Ruffled feathers

A friend of mine emailed me at work. What you have below is the discourse that followed. It’s true, Katerina has ruffled a few feathers, let’s make no excuses about it.

Friend - ‘I wanted to know if Katerina ended up single after all?’

Me - ‘Katerina hasn't ended up single, although I wish she would. The BoyF was at the flat again last night. She seems to find it increasingly difficult to uphold the dumping. And we both know she could do better.’

Friend - ‘Does Katerina's BoyF have any idea she plays him like a tambourine? ;-) Would he go ballistic? Does he love her? Does she love him? Is he fit? Is he Indian? How long they been together? Is he cool?’

Me - ‘Katerina's BoyF doesn't realise her full market value.

We all know how guys cling to her in a club. Even guys who've seen her all over another man go out of their way to tell her how much they like her.

She has a power in this respect that the BoyF knows very little about because

a) He doesn't ever go out clubbing or barring with her and prefers for them to stay at his flat all day long, marinating in the juices of their relationship/ in the insular bubble that is their relationship.

b) He finds it difficult to believe that such a power even exists. Perhaps because he hasn’t had any first hand experience of it.

When she tries to explain to him the fact that so many men show interest in her, he says things like:

'I know lots of pretty girls, but none of them get all that attention. You must be putting it out there, maybe its you who is attracting this attention on purpose.’

Now, Katerina will happily go into a club and stand in a corner all night and maybe dance a little, but what you must realise is that it is never she who goes out to procure a guy, it's always the men who come to her, every time. And I say this from experience.

What thrills her is the excitement of it all, and because she knows full well that she doesn't have any guilt about doing it. She does what she likes with whomever she likes because she is selfish and unapologetically so. In this respect, I'm quite similar to her.

When you've been with someone for 3 years, of course you love them. She does love him but she hates the fact that his insecurities mean that he'll never trust her (before that time, she'd never ‘behaved so badly’) - he has to realise that she will have guys wanting to chatting her up until the end of time and unless he can deal with it without blaming her or making it out to be her fault, there can be no relationship.

It seems a shame, because it was this very quality about Katerina that must have first attracted the BoyF to her. Now, that very quality is tearing them apart.

The relationship has to end because Katerina wants other thrills in her life and she has had to mellow herself considerably to be with the BoyF.

The BoyF is too possessive and controlling and doesn't trust her the way he should (bare in mind, he has little idea as to what Katerina has been up to).

Katerina wants somebody who is on the same wavelength as she is, who is fully willing to see men trying to pull her, but who has the confidence to say, ‘Whatever!, she's mine - you can try all you like.’’


Friend - 'Believe it or not, I got attention from all corners when I had a BoyF (I still get some but I am older and bigger so perhaps less so) and he knew my market value and was jealous (which I loved) and he knew I wouldn’t cheat (which I was proud of) but still didn’t like it or me wearing revealing clothes etc - I was like WHATEVER, u trust me so what’s your beef. He was like ‘I don’t trust men though’ - so what, it takes two to tango does it not? Now I know he was jealous because he's a cheating bastard and they’re all like that, hypocrites.

Note: Katerina’s BoyF says exactly the same thing - ‘it’s not you I distrust, it’s men in general.

Not only do I think this is a large piece of bullshit, I think that if he trusted her, other untrustworthy men simply wouldn’t matter. Both the friend and Katerina have the ability to kick, shout, punch and say no.

Friend (continued) I NEVER went beyond flirting, I ALWAYS said ‘I have a BoyF’ - so I had every right to expect him to know my value and deal with it but Katerina doesn’t, because she acts on the attention! That’s not fair, is it? or are you saying if he accepted it but was secure, she wouldn’t cheat?

I can’t believe a girl can be with somebody for 3 yrs, cheating, and he doesn’t know! that is genius (albeit bad), I would never be able to hide it!

Unapologetically selfish. Well then nothing anyone says can tame you, I wish I were unapologetic. If someone had a go at me [in relation to the boy I’m currently sleeping with who is also in a relationship]/homewrecking I would CRY! and stop! Luckily nobody has the guts to because I am hard. Although my cousins disapprove immensely so I no longer tell them about it. Maybe I am unapologetically selfish then. I continue to do it but don’t tell people about it. Woohoo I am! But I couldn’t cheat on someone, especially not somebody I love, what the fuck is the point? I reckon if I was with somebody and I saw [ either of the men I currently fancy a great deal] I could lose myself, but I have vowed never to put myself in that position. A cheat is something I definitely don’t want to become.

Don’t hurl stones at me, I have a feeling this will have ruffled your feathers!’

Me: - ‘Okay

what you have to understand is this. The root of what Katerina and I believe is that, when it comes to relationships, there is no difference between thought and action. This is something that many people disagree with us on, you being one of those.

If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about them in ways which you shouldn't, we believe that you may as well have done whatever it is you were thinking about and that, fundamentally, a wrong has been done. You see, in your mind, there are no barriers. Physically, you can control your body, what it does etc, but emotionally, you can't control what your mind desires and you could do whatever you wanted with some other guy in your mind. Do you think that if your boyfriend knew what was going on in your mind that he'd be pleased, or feel any better about it?

You said that you never went beyond flirting, but I'm asking you to consider your motivation whilst you were flirting. Because you craved the attention? Because the guy was fit? Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your BoyF and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for.

There was a time, and I remember this very clearly, when Katerina said of her BoyF that he was enough for her. she said that no other man was even close to turning her on and that she was the happiest she could have been.

See, what I believe is that if you are in a relationship, the mere thought of somebody else shouldn't really even cross your mind. Simply because no other guy interests you or should interest you. Because you have everything you desire. The moment something else seeps in, it becomes dangerous and the relationship begins to crumble.

Re ; you and [the home-wrecking boy]. I think there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair. Home-wrecking takes the burden off you because you allow yourself to think, and rightly so, that the relationship can't have been that good anyway, if he's willing to sleep with you time and time again. And note, you don't think badly of yourself or of him for doing what you do because if you honestly did, you'd stop it.

In this respect, physically speaking, you have come between him and his GirlF, however, I'm sure there are other girls too. At the end of the day, you might argue, he and you have a physical relationship and are not in love the way he may be with his Girlf, in which case, how can you look down on Katerina for doing the same thing? She was with a guy whose name she didn't know, who she will never see again, who didn't even interest her. It was the idea of what doing that would feel like, that spurred her on. What I'm saying is that it was only physical whatever happened between them.

I think it unrealistic to assume that one person can offer you everything you desire for a long period of time. And if this is true, then there is no choice but to have other fun, because fundamentally we are selfish human beings who care only for ourselves. Yes, sometimes we have a conscience, but if we keep breaking the pattern of monogamy time and again, then what's the point of that conscience?

Why Katerina does what she does and why I guess I do whatever I do is because we want a complete world where we can have everything. Emotional security, good sex, good everything. And life is so short. All we have are these years. If we don't make the most of them, then what will we have left?’