Ruffled Feathers (continued)

An email from my friend in response to the last entry:

Friend - There is totally a difference between thought and action. If you've thought and haven’t acted, you’re to be commended because you've shown restraint, respect and strength. What rubbish, a cop-out in fact!

"If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about
them in ways which you shouldn't" - flirting doesn’t mean thinking about screwing them, it's just enjoying a few compliments, having a giggle - I don’t know how you flirt, but I wouldn’t go home and think of doing naughty things with/to the guy I flirted with, I'd go home and think 'woo! he thought I’m a hotty, he thought I’m a hotty!'

No I don’t think that if my boyfriend knew what was going on in my mind (even though it wouldn’t be the raunch and filth u are talking of) that he'd be pleased, but he would definitely feel better than if I did something with another guy and somewhere down the line he would be comforted that I chose not to do it.

My motivations whilst flirting:
Because you craved the attention? - yes.
Because the guy was fit? - yes.
Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? - yes.

See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your Boyf and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for - yes but
a) he wasn’t there and
b) getting attention and banter elsewhere is not tantamount to being intimate outside your relationship. you cant be married for a billion years and be satisfied with the banter and attention ONLY of your hubby, but you MUST be satisfied with the intimate and personal stuff only from him, otherwise split up.

The mere thought of somebody else will cross your mind, you have to be realistic - you are going to get bored/have tiffs/be apart and meet random people who might make you a bit hot under the collar but you can refrain from letting them make you tingle. by tingle I mean what (one of the men I fancy) does to me. Nobody else can do it. If that’s not the case anymore, then its all over baby.

You are right re. difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair but my home has been wrecked so I should know better than to put someone else through the same. I could say he'd do it to her with another home-wrecker anyway, but that is really a cop-out.

Excuse me I do think badly of myself, and of [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy], I just don’t have the self-control not to do it when I see him. This is especially because within the months in between I am barren. I am only comforted by the fact that it doesn’t mean anything so I could potentially say his GirlF need not worry. Obviously that is rubbish though, because you would worry, meaningful or not.

There aren't other girls - me and [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy] are really close and there is no reason to lie to me because I don’t care if I’m one of many of his mistresses - he tells me there aren’t any others and I believe him.

I don’t look down on Katerina but she isn’t doing the same thing. You said yourself, there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and the cheat. I’m single, I don’t owe anyone any loyalty, but even so I felt guilty re [the boy she actually loves] - who isn’t even my BoyF, whereas she's in a long-term relationship with someone she supposedly loves and doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt. I don’t think there’s any comparison there. Yes I’m doing something wrong, but it’s not at the same level. Saying that, I think 90% people cheat so I don’t actually look down on her (honestly) and the reason for that is that she doesn’t care about whoever she cheats with. If she was having a full-on affair with feelings and on the regular, I’d definitely look down on her because it’s like - just finish with the guy! Despite this whole debate, I am actually in the 'if its just physical it doesn’t count' camp. But I couldn’t do it to someone I love, that’s all I’m saying.