Men and from Mars and Women...

Gumtree is bloody marvellous, I don't care what anybody says.

On today's trawl through the wilderness I came across two postings, one by a female and the other by a male. In these postings I believe you'll discover a certain truth about women and men and perhaps even an indication as to why certain couples break up. Oh yes, and they're both hilarious.

Posting 1 (Female)

'Nightmare Girlfriend'


Is honesty really the best policy?

Every time I start to date a guy, it all starts out fantastically.
I’m at my witty and sparkling best and the guy is (undoubtedly) thinking, ‘wow, what a cool girl I have managed to bag myself’.
However, I can’t keep up the front for more than a few weeks and once my real self re-surfaces then the bloke runs for the hills.
So, I’ve decided to lay myself bare (metaphorically speaking) and let you know what the real me is like as a girlfriend.

1. I will tell you I love you on the third date. Even if I don’t mean it, I will still find myself saying it. I don’t know why. I can’t help myself. Perhaps I secretly like to see the startled ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look on your face, and the trickle of perspiration which slides down your forehead.

2. I will analyse everything that you say. If you mention something about your very first girlfriend having been a blonde, I will interpret that as meaning that you secretly fancy all blonde females. I will dye my hair a peroxide blonde shade and anything you say to me will be cast up by me for the rest of your life.

3. I will be jealous and over-possessive. But you will only have yourself to blame for this, as you were the one who told me about your very first blonde girlfriend. You probably still think about her. You probably wish you were still with her. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you? I don’t care if you were 13 at the time, you’ve never gotten over her, have you? HAVE YOU?? I will look through your mobile phone and gain access to your email account. I will glower at any female you dare to talk to - yes, that does include your boss and the shop assistant - and yes, I will give you the silent treatment for days. I will hire a private detective to follow you if you dare to arrive home from work more than 30 minutes late. And no, there being bad traffic caused by an accident is not a sufficient excuse.

4. I will nag. Constantly. Pick that up. No, don’t put it there. Not there! There! No, there! Where were you? Who were you with? Why did it take you 5 minutes to reply to my text? Why didn’t you answer the phone before the 6th ring? Get a better job. Wear nicer clothes. Get a haircut. You need a shave. No, you’re not going out with the lads tonight.

5. I will be needy. Whereas I functioned perfectly well when I was single, as soon as I have a boyfriend I will be unable to do anything for myself. Yes, you will get a hysterical phone call whilst you’re at work and have to rush round to see me…What do you mean a spider in the bath is not a good enough reason? You will be expected to sympathise when I break a nail. You will have to come round to open the jar of peanut butter as, of course, I am a mere feeble female.

6. You will be expected to meet my family and my friends very early on in the relationship…by very early, I mean on the 4th date (just after I have told you I love you, awww). You will be expected to act like the perfect man and shower me with affection so that all of my friends are jealous and my mother is planning her wedding outfit.

7. I will talk about having your babies. Again, this will be on the 4th date. You will look scared. Nothing like planning for the future, eh?

8. You will never be allowed to fart or burp again. At least, not whilst you are within 40 feet of me.

9. I will start moving myself into your flat. One day, my toothbrush will be there, the next day I will bring over a change of clothes. The next week, you’ll be bemused to discover my collection of stuffed toys littering up a corner of your bedroom. The following week, you’ll come home from work only to find that I have screwed a new nameplate onto your front door - with both of our names on it.

10. As soon as I am safely ensconced in your flat, I will announce that that thing you used to like me to do for you, well, I’m not doing that anymore. And I’m not doing that other thing either. And you can definitely forget about that as well! In fact, I have a headache - get me 2 paracetamols.

11. I will expect you to buy me gifts, for no reason at all. But when you do buy me gifts, I will show no gratitude at all, and will take them back to the shop and get the cash instead. So, stop wasting your time and just give me the money.

12. I will ask you, “What are you thinking?” constantly. At least 5 times a day.

13. I will start an argument for no reason at all. It wasn’t the way that you said “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight, darling?” It was the look on your face when you said it. You don’t love me anymore, do you? You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?

So…that’s the real me.
Is anybody man enough to cope with me?

Posting 2 (male)

Man-Haters

Accept it. Some women just don't like men, often with good cause. The Man-Hater loves to find a nice guy like you who'll stand there while she takes out her hostility for what other men have done to her.

You'll wind up paying for the misdeeds of every man in her life, from the boy who tormented her in kindergarten to her younger brother, her father, and especially her first husband.

Man-Haters look like ordinary women when you meet them, but there are signs of incipient man-hating. Man-Haters consistently put down men and praise women. In the beginning, the Man-Hater pretends that you're different from all those other men who've treated her badly, but soon she begins to see signs that you're really not. By this time, you're in love with her, so you try to convince her by the power of your love that you're one of the good guys.

The trouble with a Man-Hater is that she doesn't recognize a good guy when she gets one. Even the smallest indiscretion, like leaving the toilet seat up or not being able to find something when it's right under your nose, will reveal the permanent unforgivable rotten core she sees lurking inside all men.

The Man-Hater often covers her basic dislike and mistrust of all men with feminist grievances. She's not putting down men, she's defending women.

No matter how much you love a Man-Hater, you won't be able to make up for the wrongs suffered by her and all the other women in the world, which she'll expect you to do. Don't even think about being the good guy who changes her mind about men.

What normal women want is:

Marriage
Children
Girlfriends
Family ties
Laughs
Sympathy
Romance
Shopping
Presents
Attention
Affection
Kindness
Sex
Agreement

...So guys be careful out there!