So, I thought it might be a larf to attempt to find a sauna buddy as I plan on attending one this coming weekend. In light of this, I posted an AD on gumtree (for where else would I advertise vacancies for men harbouring kinky desires?)
It went something along the lines of this...
I'm looking for a few guys with whom I can visit a Sauna with this coming weekend.
Fit men who are between the ages of 19-33 and who have an open mindedness regarding their sexuality.
Email me as soon as you can, if you're interested so that we can arrange a date and time.
I'm a fit, 23 year old British born Indian, very horny and always looking to meet new people who are just as horny as I am.
I await your responses.
Click and off it went.
8 hours later I received five responses.
Task for this evening (alongside the cinema with Belle-de-Bengal) - How exactly does one choose a Sauna Buddy?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Playing 'Hard to Get' and other relationship theories.
Theory #1 - Playing hard to get
The last time I spoke with Cassandra, she described what she calls a 'blanket policy' - whereby, upon giving her number to somebody, she will never instigate the first form of communication.
'I just never do it. If they want me they can text or call me. It's playing hard to get and works a lot of the time'.
Katerina nodded away in total agreement at this policy. She too has never 'called a guy first'.
Now, the more I speak to people about dating and such like, the more I come to realise that this 'playing hard to get' policy is slowly becoming an unwritten law.
If somebody wants you they can bloody well make the first move.
Fair enough; unless you happen to be two people who both adopt the blanket policy, in which case either you'd never meet OR one of you would have to, godforbid, cave in.
Alright, so I can understand that everybody wants to be wanted more than they want to want themselves (yep, you may have to re-read that last sentence for purposes of clarity), but really...why must we be so stubborn so as to kill the flower before it's even sprouted?
I'm of the belief that life is too short and that if we like somebody, it's our prerogative to make some sort of move in their direction. If it's not returned you can move on, if they text back - Hoorah, if they put you down for being 'too clingy and keen' - fuckem.
After all, when everything is said and done, who really cares who it was that sent the initial text message or made the initial telephone call?
What worries me is the number of people who may have simply drifted apart from each other just because neither of them 'could be bothered' to make the first move.
What also worries me is that none of the Speed Dating 'yess' have returned my messages. I always imagined men who would go to these sorts of events might be a little more ...organised. A little more, willing to send a message back to the guy who you said yes to. You gets me? - but this is another blog entry in it's own right.
I still find myself believing that there is nothing wrong in making the first move. If we don't go out there and take what we want (or at least try to), what will we be left with? Nothing but our stubbornness.
Having said this, there are certainly far more heterosexual females who adopt this policy than men. Back to the middle ages on this one it would be appear.
I'm sure some gay men are just the same however. Waiting for the world and his wife to declare unconditional love before they type the first message.
Big Sigh.
Theory #2 - Sex is plaster
So, Katerina and The Boy, after the latest attempted break up, rekindled the romance with sex, yet again.
I know it's not uncommon, this sort of behaviour, but surely it really slows down process.
Lots of people indulge in Ex-Sex (Juno being a prime example - the last time we spoke he said that he'd had sex with his Ex and that now he'd had his 'fix' he wouldn't need him until mid to late December), and this probably because it cuts all the initial fumbling and awkwardness of a new found lover.
But really, does it have to be this way?
So the sex, once the relationship is over, is always friggin good. But you broke up with him/her FOR A REASON.
Using sex to plaster over the cracks of your relationship doesn't mean that those cracks will disappear. All it means is that nobody will be able to see them for a while. Until, through the passage of time they begin to reappear.
So, Katerina and The Boy, break up, have sex and it's all back on, until a few days later they break up again, have sex and fall back into the mould.
I wonder - how long before the sex isn't enough? How many guts will it take to break it off one and for all. To never look back?
I suppose the answer is simply too many to deal with.
The last time I spoke with Cassandra, she described what she calls a 'blanket policy' - whereby, upon giving her number to somebody, she will never instigate the first form of communication.
'I just never do it. If they want me they can text or call me. It's playing hard to get and works a lot of the time'.
Katerina nodded away in total agreement at this policy. She too has never 'called a guy first'.
Now, the more I speak to people about dating and such like, the more I come to realise that this 'playing hard to get' policy is slowly becoming an unwritten law.
If somebody wants you they can bloody well make the first move.
Fair enough; unless you happen to be two people who both adopt the blanket policy, in which case either you'd never meet OR one of you would have to, godforbid, cave in.
Alright, so I can understand that everybody wants to be wanted more than they want to want themselves (yep, you may have to re-read that last sentence for purposes of clarity), but really...why must we be so stubborn so as to kill the flower before it's even sprouted?
I'm of the belief that life is too short and that if we like somebody, it's our prerogative to make some sort of move in their direction. If it's not returned you can move on, if they text back - Hoorah, if they put you down for being 'too clingy and keen' - fuckem.
After all, when everything is said and done, who really cares who it was that sent the initial text message or made the initial telephone call?
What worries me is the number of people who may have simply drifted apart from each other just because neither of them 'could be bothered' to make the first move.
What also worries me is that none of the Speed Dating 'yess' have returned my messages. I always imagined men who would go to these sorts of events might be a little more ...organised. A little more, willing to send a message back to the guy who you said yes to. You gets me? - but this is another blog entry in it's own right.
I still find myself believing that there is nothing wrong in making the first move. If we don't go out there and take what we want (or at least try to), what will we be left with? Nothing but our stubbornness.
Having said this, there are certainly far more heterosexual females who adopt this policy than men. Back to the middle ages on this one it would be appear.
I'm sure some gay men are just the same however. Waiting for the world and his wife to declare unconditional love before they type the first message.
Big Sigh.
Theory #2 - Sex is plaster
So, Katerina and The Boy, after the latest attempted break up, rekindled the romance with sex, yet again.
I know it's not uncommon, this sort of behaviour, but surely it really slows down process.
Lots of people indulge in Ex-Sex (Juno being a prime example - the last time we spoke he said that he'd had sex with his Ex and that now he'd had his 'fix' he wouldn't need him until mid to late December), and this probably because it cuts all the initial fumbling and awkwardness of a new found lover.
But really, does it have to be this way?
So the sex, once the relationship is over, is always friggin good. But you broke up with him/her FOR A REASON.
Using sex to plaster over the cracks of your relationship doesn't mean that those cracks will disappear. All it means is that nobody will be able to see them for a while. Until, through the passage of time they begin to reappear.
So, Katerina and The Boy, break up, have sex and it's all back on, until a few days later they break up again, have sex and fall back into the mould.
I wonder - how long before the sex isn't enough? How many guts will it take to break it off one and for all. To never look back?
I suppose the answer is simply too many to deal with.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Miniature tiffs # 2
So, Katerina and the BoyF (who is suffering from a cold) had a tiff last night, this time, however, it concerned Katerina's heartless bitch behaviour which, when translated into the language spoke by the Boyf, goes something like this...
'I can't believe you haven't called me all day even though I'm ill'.
'But I was busy (with her sister and friend who was down in London at the same time), I bought you medicine and let you take my car home so that you could rest and take it easy. And I did speak to you during the day'
'I called you at x 'o'clock and that was that. The next time we spoke is now and it's been 11 hours. The one person who I thought would call me was you and you didn't'
'Ok so you were ill and I'm sure you had nothing better to do than to clock the calls I made and report back to me on the intervening time period, but really, I have been busy and out and really don't know how my calling you would have made you better!'
'You're so harsh sometimes' said the BoyF
At this point, I can imagine Katerina muttering expletives under her breath at the useless plonk of a BoyF.
She even recalls asking her sister what the correct etiquette was for dealing with a poorly BoyF.
'If it were me, I'd have said, rest, take it easy, get better and then we can talk', I said, over lunch earlier today.
Then again, i suppose the BoyF would have thought this was the verbal equivalent to the holocaust.
This relationship seems like an awful lot of hard and often unsatisfying work to me. Another attempted break up which now brings the total to five.
'I can't believe you haven't called me all day even though I'm ill'.
'But I was busy (with her sister and friend who was down in London at the same time), I bought you medicine and let you take my car home so that you could rest and take it easy. And I did speak to you during the day'
'I called you at x 'o'clock and that was that. The next time we spoke is now and it's been 11 hours. The one person who I thought would call me was you and you didn't'
'Ok so you were ill and I'm sure you had nothing better to do than to clock the calls I made and report back to me on the intervening time period, but really, I have been busy and out and really don't know how my calling you would have made you better!'
'You're so harsh sometimes' said the BoyF
At this point, I can imagine Katerina muttering expletives under her breath at the useless plonk of a BoyF.
She even recalls asking her sister what the correct etiquette was for dealing with a poorly BoyF.
'If it were me, I'd have said, rest, take it easy, get better and then we can talk', I said, over lunch earlier today.
Then again, i suppose the BoyF would have thought this was the verbal equivalent to the holocaust.
This relationship seems like an awful lot of hard and often unsatisfying work to me. Another attempted break up which now brings the total to five.
A Korean
Who would have expected Korean food to include noodles or rice?
Answer - me
What was I? Harbouring under delusions.
Last Friday as soon as I left work I was in Piccadilly Circus with Katerina, her sister and a few of her friends (two of whom are Korean). Being the sort of person who is open to new experiences all the time, I thought an experience of Korean food might satisfy the experimental appetite.
My aim was fulfiled and very quickly too. It was frigging delicious. And not a noodle in sight. Instead,we had a number of starters including miso soup, pickled chili cucumbers, pickled cabbage, chili radishes and steamed leaves. It was nice to actually eat something that contained real hot spice. Katerina was equally impressed.
And then for the mains, there was a barbecue grill bang in the centre of our table which they filled with marinated bits of chicken, beef and pork belly.
The Korean way stipulates that meat be wrapped in lettuce leaves together with a cabbage, spring onion and chili salad and fermented soy bean paste. And let me not forget the variety of dipping sauces we were provided with for each course.
I was stuffed beyond belief and thought that the food was brilliant. I couldn't help but wonder what other things might taste better wrapped in a lettuce leaf, but that's an entirely separate blog entry in itself.
Answer - me
What was I? Harbouring under delusions.
Last Friday as soon as I left work I was in Piccadilly Circus with Katerina, her sister and a few of her friends (two of whom are Korean). Being the sort of person who is open to new experiences all the time, I thought an experience of Korean food might satisfy the experimental appetite.
My aim was fulfiled and very quickly too. It was frigging delicious. And not a noodle in sight. Instead,we had a number of starters including miso soup, pickled chili cucumbers, pickled cabbage, chili radishes and steamed leaves. It was nice to actually eat something that contained real hot spice. Katerina was equally impressed.
And then for the mains, there was a barbecue grill bang in the centre of our table which they filled with marinated bits of chicken, beef and pork belly.
The Korean way stipulates that meat be wrapped in lettuce leaves together with a cabbage, spring onion and chili salad and fermented soy bean paste. And let me not forget the variety of dipping sauces we were provided with for each course.
I was stuffed beyond belief and thought that the food was brilliant. I couldn't help but wonder what other things might taste better wrapped in a lettuce leaf, but that's an entirely separate blog entry in itself.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Weekend
Alright Alright, deadlines and work have been keeping me busy. In fact, I write this from my desk.
Lovely weekend, although I didn't officially manage to leave the office until 8pm last Friday.
Anyhow, Saturday morning Katerina and I went to the Westwood studios in Battersea, in the hope of finding some cheap discounted Vivienne Westwood designed clothing.
What actually happened was this:
We got there on time and found that there was a queue outside. Fine, let's park and then wait.
It was cold.
When then got in the queue and waited like that for an hour as one person came out and they let another in in his/her place.
It was freezing.
We tried our hardest to avoid the freezing cold by playing a series of intellectual word games including:
- trying to name every single chocolate bar we could until one of us repeated something and were thrown out of the competition;
- saying a work each and trying to form a sentence (far more hilarious and silly than it sounds); and
- throwing words at people and seeing what word immediately comes to their mind.
By the end of this is appeared that we weren't really as far progressed down the line as we'd imagined. My feet were feeling numb. I repeat, I was so cold my feet were numb!
And when we finally managed to gain entry, we were greeted by a herd of frantic women who'd somehow climbed over onto the jewelery like little kittens and who left no room to move nor breathe for my friends and I. And not a single item of men's clothing. Not one.
Needless to say, I won't be rushing there again in a hurry. And if i do, I'll be wearing thick socks, four layers and a pair of ear muffs which I'll clearly have to invest in.
Katerina was right; queueing up for warehouse sale, any warehouse sale, in arctic temperatures is no easy feat and clearly a marker of some abnormality we possess.
So, that was that.
And then I went up north to spend the rest of my weekend with the family.
It was my brother's birthday and we had the usual feast of kings, family and friends. And then there were tequila shots, Gin and a giant cookie. It's always great fun when people my own age turn up and we can have a good laugh at our dads who, as the evening progressed, became louder and louder to the point of indi mosh pit, if you catch my drift.
'You email was hilarious' said a cousin of mine.
I'd sent her an email detailing my reasons for choosing wet wipes as this year's must have accessory. Convenient and clean and handy and always so time economic. AND, you always come up smelling of Aloe Vera. If you pull at a club, I told her, it's far easier to go to the toilets at the club and have a quick wipe rather than fanny about (so to speak) in his/her toilet back home.
Anyhow, it amused her.
Other than that we don't really discuss sex; my cousins and I. It's not something that interests me about them. Where they put what with whom, it all seems so little of my business.
Mind you, we don't shy away from using rude words around each other. If only for purposes of humour or repulsion and shock.
Lovely weekend, although I didn't officially manage to leave the office until 8pm last Friday.
Anyhow, Saturday morning Katerina and I went to the Westwood studios in Battersea, in the hope of finding some cheap discounted Vivienne Westwood designed clothing.
What actually happened was this:
We got there on time and found that there was a queue outside. Fine, let's park and then wait.
It was cold.
When then got in the queue and waited like that for an hour as one person came out and they let another in in his/her place.
It was freezing.
We tried our hardest to avoid the freezing cold by playing a series of intellectual word games including:
- trying to name every single chocolate bar we could until one of us repeated something and were thrown out of the competition;
- saying a work each and trying to form a sentence (far more hilarious and silly than it sounds); and
- throwing words at people and seeing what word immediately comes to their mind.
By the end of this is appeared that we weren't really as far progressed down the line as we'd imagined. My feet were feeling numb. I repeat, I was so cold my feet were numb!
And when we finally managed to gain entry, we were greeted by a herd of frantic women who'd somehow climbed over onto the jewelery like little kittens and who left no room to move nor breathe for my friends and I. And not a single item of men's clothing. Not one.
Needless to say, I won't be rushing there again in a hurry. And if i do, I'll be wearing thick socks, four layers and a pair of ear muffs which I'll clearly have to invest in.
Katerina was right; queueing up for warehouse sale, any warehouse sale, in arctic temperatures is no easy feat and clearly a marker of some abnormality we possess.
So, that was that.
And then I went up north to spend the rest of my weekend with the family.
It was my brother's birthday and we had the usual feast of kings, family and friends. And then there were tequila shots, Gin and a giant cookie. It's always great fun when people my own age turn up and we can have a good laugh at our dads who, as the evening progressed, became louder and louder to the point of indi mosh pit, if you catch my drift.
'You email was hilarious' said a cousin of mine.
I'd sent her an email detailing my reasons for choosing wet wipes as this year's must have accessory. Convenient and clean and handy and always so time economic. AND, you always come up smelling of Aloe Vera. If you pull at a club, I told her, it's far easier to go to the toilets at the club and have a quick wipe rather than fanny about (so to speak) in his/her toilet back home.
Anyhow, it amused her.
Other than that we don't really discuss sex; my cousins and I. It's not something that interests me about them. Where they put what with whom, it all seems so little of my business.
Mind you, we don't shy away from using rude words around each other. If only for purposes of humour or repulsion and shock.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Men and from Mars and Women...
Gumtree is bloody marvellous, I don't care what anybody says.
On today's trawl through the wilderness I came across two postings, one by a female and the other by a male. In these postings I believe you'll discover a certain truth about women and men and perhaps even an indication as to why certain couples break up. Oh yes, and they're both hilarious.
Posting 1 (Female)
'Nightmare Girlfriend'
Is honesty really the best policy?
Every time I start to date a guy, it all starts out fantastically.
I’m at my witty and sparkling best and the guy is (undoubtedly) thinking, ‘wow, what a cool girl I have managed to bag myself’.
However, I can’t keep up the front for more than a few weeks and once my real self re-surfaces then the bloke runs for the hills.
So, I’ve decided to lay myself bare (metaphorically speaking) and let you know what the real me is like as a girlfriend.
1. I will tell you I love you on the third date. Even if I don’t mean it, I will still find myself saying it. I don’t know why. I can’t help myself. Perhaps I secretly like to see the startled ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look on your face, and the trickle of perspiration which slides down your forehead.
2. I will analyse everything that you say. If you mention something about your very first girlfriend having been a blonde, I will interpret that as meaning that you secretly fancy all blonde females. I will dye my hair a peroxide blonde shade and anything you say to me will be cast up by me for the rest of your life.
3. I will be jealous and over-possessive. But you will only have yourself to blame for this, as you were the one who told me about your very first blonde girlfriend. You probably still think about her. You probably wish you were still with her. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you? I don’t care if you were 13 at the time, you’ve never gotten over her, have you? HAVE YOU?? I will look through your mobile phone and gain access to your email account. I will glower at any female you dare to talk to - yes, that does include your boss and the shop assistant - and yes, I will give you the silent treatment for days. I will hire a private detective to follow you if you dare to arrive home from work more than 30 minutes late. And no, there being bad traffic caused by an accident is not a sufficient excuse.
4. I will nag. Constantly. Pick that up. No, don’t put it there. Not there! There! No, there! Where were you? Who were you with? Why did it take you 5 minutes to reply to my text? Why didn’t you answer the phone before the 6th ring? Get a better job. Wear nicer clothes. Get a haircut. You need a shave. No, you’re not going out with the lads tonight.
5. I will be needy. Whereas I functioned perfectly well when I was single, as soon as I have a boyfriend I will be unable to do anything for myself. Yes, you will get a hysterical phone call whilst you’re at work and have to rush round to see me…What do you mean a spider in the bath is not a good enough reason? You will be expected to sympathise when I break a nail. You will have to come round to open the jar of peanut butter as, of course, I am a mere feeble female.
6. You will be expected to meet my family and my friends very early on in the relationship…by very early, I mean on the 4th date (just after I have told you I love you, awww). You will be expected to act like the perfect man and shower me with affection so that all of my friends are jealous and my mother is planning her wedding outfit.
7. I will talk about having your babies. Again, this will be on the 4th date. You will look scared. Nothing like planning for the future, eh?
8. You will never be allowed to fart or burp again. At least, not whilst you are within 40 feet of me.
9. I will start moving myself into your flat. One day, my toothbrush will be there, the next day I will bring over a change of clothes. The next week, you’ll be bemused to discover my collection of stuffed toys littering up a corner of your bedroom. The following week, you’ll come home from work only to find that I have screwed a new nameplate onto your front door - with both of our names on it.
10. As soon as I am safely ensconced in your flat, I will announce that that thing you used to like me to do for you, well, I’m not doing that anymore. And I’m not doing that other thing either. And you can definitely forget about that as well! In fact, I have a headache - get me 2 paracetamols.
11. I will expect you to buy me gifts, for no reason at all. But when you do buy me gifts, I will show no gratitude at all, and will take them back to the shop and get the cash instead. So, stop wasting your time and just give me the money.
12. I will ask you, “What are you thinking?” constantly. At least 5 times a day.
13. I will start an argument for no reason at all. It wasn’t the way that you said “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight, darling?” It was the look on your face when you said it. You don’t love me anymore, do you? You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?
So…that’s the real me.
Is anybody man enough to cope with me?
Posting 2 (male)
Man-Haters
Accept it. Some women just don't like men, often with good cause. The Man-Hater loves to find a nice guy like you who'll stand there while she takes out her hostility for what other men have done to her.
You'll wind up paying for the misdeeds of every man in her life, from the boy who tormented her in kindergarten to her younger brother, her father, and especially her first husband.
Man-Haters look like ordinary women when you meet them, but there are signs of incipient man-hating. Man-Haters consistently put down men and praise women. In the beginning, the Man-Hater pretends that you're different from all those other men who've treated her badly, but soon she begins to see signs that you're really not. By this time, you're in love with her, so you try to convince her by the power of your love that you're one of the good guys.
The trouble with a Man-Hater is that she doesn't recognize a good guy when she gets one. Even the smallest indiscretion, like leaving the toilet seat up or not being able to find something when it's right under your nose, will reveal the permanent unforgivable rotten core she sees lurking inside all men.
The Man-Hater often covers her basic dislike and mistrust of all men with feminist grievances. She's not putting down men, she's defending women.
No matter how much you love a Man-Hater, you won't be able to make up for the wrongs suffered by her and all the other women in the world, which she'll expect you to do. Don't even think about being the good guy who changes her mind about men.
What normal women want is:
Marriage
Children
Girlfriends
Family ties
Laughs
Sympathy
Romance
Shopping
Presents
Attention
Affection
Kindness
Sex
Agreement
...So guys be careful out there!
On today's trawl through the wilderness I came across two postings, one by a female and the other by a male. In these postings I believe you'll discover a certain truth about women and men and perhaps even an indication as to why certain couples break up. Oh yes, and they're both hilarious.
Posting 1 (Female)
'Nightmare Girlfriend'
Is honesty really the best policy?
Every time I start to date a guy, it all starts out fantastically.
I’m at my witty and sparkling best and the guy is (undoubtedly) thinking, ‘wow, what a cool girl I have managed to bag myself’.
However, I can’t keep up the front for more than a few weeks and once my real self re-surfaces then the bloke runs for the hills.
So, I’ve decided to lay myself bare (metaphorically speaking) and let you know what the real me is like as a girlfriend.
1. I will tell you I love you on the third date. Even if I don’t mean it, I will still find myself saying it. I don’t know why. I can’t help myself. Perhaps I secretly like to see the startled ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look on your face, and the trickle of perspiration which slides down your forehead.
2. I will analyse everything that you say. If you mention something about your very first girlfriend having been a blonde, I will interpret that as meaning that you secretly fancy all blonde females. I will dye my hair a peroxide blonde shade and anything you say to me will be cast up by me for the rest of your life.
3. I will be jealous and over-possessive. But you will only have yourself to blame for this, as you were the one who told me about your very first blonde girlfriend. You probably still think about her. You probably wish you were still with her. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you? I don’t care if you were 13 at the time, you’ve never gotten over her, have you? HAVE YOU?? I will look through your mobile phone and gain access to your email account. I will glower at any female you dare to talk to - yes, that does include your boss and the shop assistant - and yes, I will give you the silent treatment for days. I will hire a private detective to follow you if you dare to arrive home from work more than 30 minutes late. And no, there being bad traffic caused by an accident is not a sufficient excuse.
4. I will nag. Constantly. Pick that up. No, don’t put it there. Not there! There! No, there! Where were you? Who were you with? Why did it take you 5 minutes to reply to my text? Why didn’t you answer the phone before the 6th ring? Get a better job. Wear nicer clothes. Get a haircut. You need a shave. No, you’re not going out with the lads tonight.
5. I will be needy. Whereas I functioned perfectly well when I was single, as soon as I have a boyfriend I will be unable to do anything for myself. Yes, you will get a hysterical phone call whilst you’re at work and have to rush round to see me…What do you mean a spider in the bath is not a good enough reason? You will be expected to sympathise when I break a nail. You will have to come round to open the jar of peanut butter as, of course, I am a mere feeble female.
6. You will be expected to meet my family and my friends very early on in the relationship…by very early, I mean on the 4th date (just after I have told you I love you, awww). You will be expected to act like the perfect man and shower me with affection so that all of my friends are jealous and my mother is planning her wedding outfit.
7. I will talk about having your babies. Again, this will be on the 4th date. You will look scared. Nothing like planning for the future, eh?
8. You will never be allowed to fart or burp again. At least, not whilst you are within 40 feet of me.
9. I will start moving myself into your flat. One day, my toothbrush will be there, the next day I will bring over a change of clothes. The next week, you’ll be bemused to discover my collection of stuffed toys littering up a corner of your bedroom. The following week, you’ll come home from work only to find that I have screwed a new nameplate onto your front door - with both of our names on it.
10. As soon as I am safely ensconced in your flat, I will announce that that thing you used to like me to do for you, well, I’m not doing that anymore. And I’m not doing that other thing either. And you can definitely forget about that as well! In fact, I have a headache - get me 2 paracetamols.
11. I will expect you to buy me gifts, for no reason at all. But when you do buy me gifts, I will show no gratitude at all, and will take them back to the shop and get the cash instead. So, stop wasting your time and just give me the money.
12. I will ask you, “What are you thinking?” constantly. At least 5 times a day.
13. I will start an argument for no reason at all. It wasn’t the way that you said “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight, darling?” It was the look on your face when you said it. You don’t love me anymore, do you? You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?
So…that’s the real me.
Is anybody man enough to cope with me?
Posting 2 (male)
Man-Haters
Accept it. Some women just don't like men, often with good cause. The Man-Hater loves to find a nice guy like you who'll stand there while she takes out her hostility for what other men have done to her.
You'll wind up paying for the misdeeds of every man in her life, from the boy who tormented her in kindergarten to her younger brother, her father, and especially her first husband.
Man-Haters look like ordinary women when you meet them, but there are signs of incipient man-hating. Man-Haters consistently put down men and praise women. In the beginning, the Man-Hater pretends that you're different from all those other men who've treated her badly, but soon she begins to see signs that you're really not. By this time, you're in love with her, so you try to convince her by the power of your love that you're one of the good guys.
The trouble with a Man-Hater is that she doesn't recognize a good guy when she gets one. Even the smallest indiscretion, like leaving the toilet seat up or not being able to find something when it's right under your nose, will reveal the permanent unforgivable rotten core she sees lurking inside all men.
The Man-Hater often covers her basic dislike and mistrust of all men with feminist grievances. She's not putting down men, she's defending women.
No matter how much you love a Man-Hater, you won't be able to make up for the wrongs suffered by her and all the other women in the world, which she'll expect you to do. Don't even think about being the good guy who changes her mind about men.
What normal women want is:
Marriage
Children
Girlfriends
Family ties
Laughs
Sympathy
Romance
Shopping
Presents
Attention
Affection
Kindness
Sex
Agreement
...So guys be careful out there!
Christmas
Yet again, we're at the ready for a ho ho whorestactical time!
It's just the British weather that always adds a tinge of misery to an otherwise joyous mood.
That, and having to stay late in the Office.
So, we're fast approaching the time of year where there will be two minutes of light for every hour of darkness. Where the horrid rain will squash the autumn leaves beneath our shoes in such a way so as to render us unable to differentiate between leaves and dog poo.
That said, I have my list of wanted presents at the ready. A cock-ring for starters, a box set of Penguin's Great Loves, A movie box set of Satyajit Ray films and some unspecified clothes.
Although, one wonders whether Santa will be in any mood to give me anything considering the dark and dingy tone of this blog entry.
I am trying to remain optimistic though!
It's just the British weather that always adds a tinge of misery to an otherwise joyous mood.
That, and having to stay late in the Office.
So, we're fast approaching the time of year where there will be two minutes of light for every hour of darkness. Where the horrid rain will squash the autumn leaves beneath our shoes in such a way so as to render us unable to differentiate between leaves and dog poo.
That said, I have my list of wanted presents at the ready. A cock-ring for starters, a box set of Penguin's Great Loves, A movie box set of Satyajit Ray films and some unspecified clothes.
Although, one wonders whether Santa will be in any mood to give me anything considering the dark and dingy tone of this blog entry.
I am trying to remain optimistic though!
Back for more (The Dame)
The Dame and I spoke the other night.
'I did something you'll think is silly' she said quite casually over the phone.
She needn't have said any more, for I knew. She had messaged one of those mind-fuck ladies she'd fallen for previously, I knew it!
Why do people do it. Why don't people simply leave things alone!? Why do we always let the heart decide when really it is the brain that's going to save us from suffering heartache? Pah.
'Was it The Doctor then?'
'Yes, however, I don't regret doing it'.
'And why is that?'
'Well I text her saying that I passed her house just the other day and thought of her. I asked if she was OK'.
'and?'
'she replied saying that she was fine, working hard as usual, said she hoped I was okay and that my job was going well (which it is), blah blah. I sent one back telling her about my job situation, blah blah'. And that was the last I heard from her'.
Alright, so they have somewhat cleared the murky river that separates them. Good. But I still don't think The Dame should have given in that way. We must all remember that it was she who was done over, not The Doctor. The Doctor got the pudding and the custard.
On a positive note, The Dame does seem a lot happier these days. And her mother isn't pushing her marriage to me with quite as much force as she once did. Then again, she has said to The Dame, 'you do realise, once he's gone or found somebody else, that's when you'll realise just how good you are together'. Grin.
'I did something you'll think is silly' she said quite casually over the phone.
She needn't have said any more, for I knew. She had messaged one of those mind-fuck ladies she'd fallen for previously, I knew it!
Why do people do it. Why don't people simply leave things alone!? Why do we always let the heart decide when really it is the brain that's going to save us from suffering heartache? Pah.
'Was it The Doctor then?'
'Yes, however, I don't regret doing it'.
'And why is that?'
'Well I text her saying that I passed her house just the other day and thought of her. I asked if she was OK'.
'and?'
'she replied saying that she was fine, working hard as usual, said she hoped I was okay and that my job was going well (which it is), blah blah. I sent one back telling her about my job situation, blah blah'. And that was the last I heard from her'.
Alright, so they have somewhat cleared the murky river that separates them. Good. But I still don't think The Dame should have given in that way. We must all remember that it was she who was done over, not The Doctor. The Doctor got the pudding and the custard.
On a positive note, The Dame does seem a lot happier these days. And her mother isn't pushing her marriage to me with quite as much force as she once did. Then again, she has said to The Dame, 'you do realise, once he's gone or found somebody else, that's when you'll realise just how good you are together'. Grin.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
How to be a Merry Whore (part 1)
Secrecy is key: Hide everything. Set up a private email account (with a different password) and ensure that your name, address and any other relevant information is perfectly hidden. This is perhaps most important if you want to control who sees what you're doing and in order to ensure the BoyF doesn't catch any whiff of anything whoretastial.
Push the boundaries: The whole purpose behind creating a hidden identity is to let your whoretastical self run lose, up up over the hill and into bed. Say what you want, be forthcoming and direct. Remember, you are not here to find the Lover your mother promised you would when you were younger, you are here to test the waters and see if there exists a man who will piss into your mouth whilst his friend does you up the arse. Sexuality is very much dependant on confidence, so display it. If you are not, the person reading your email will be able to sniff it. The same way one might sniff such low self esteem in a club, for example.
Don't be afraid: Alright, so you have a list of potential email address, men who tell you that they'd love to fuck you from behind and run their hand over your clit as they shove their tongue deep down into your ear. A rule of the Internet dating community is to offer photos in return for photos. Meeting people who you've never seen is a bad idea unless you're willing to take the risk that they might look like Frank Butcher or, even worse, Michelle MacManus.
Take (decent) photos: You are now caught in the midst of Internet punting and this should be supported by a portfolio (perhaps a strong word) or photos in which you look hot, stunning, eager, teasing, young and exciting. Fear not, this is easily done:
1) Take a friend whom you trust and who's hands don't wobble when nervous,
2) make yourself look pretty but not overly done so as not to cast doubt over any natural beauty you might have,
3) take one underwear shot and the others full body, perhaps even a black and white, 4) take more photos than you know what to do with - remember, the digital camera is digital for a reason,
5) Send the photos once you are entirely happy with them and ask for some in return. Until you receive some, don't send out any more. 2 photos to begin with let's say.
Meet them: If you decide to meet them, arrange a drink first somewhere not too far from either your place or his. Before you meet be very clear that this is a drink but that, dependent on that, you may invite him back to piss in your ear.
Hygiene: Wipe, wash, trim and powder. Anything to ensure you are the sexual god/goddess you have promised to be all along. Confidence is paramount so don't lose yourself at the important stage.
Fulfil your promises: Okay, so you're in bed and he's propped up against your headboard, one ball dangling in your mouth and the other bashing against your head as he feeds you his phallus. And then he pisses, a slow steady stream that run over your entire body. This is what you've wanted. Don't giggle and make him nervous, or consider yourself a whore now. You were a whore a long time ago.
Never commit: Don't say you'll call him if you won't. Be honest. That's the good thing about honest sex with stranger; you can be honest throughout and more often than not, they will understand where they stand with you. If on the other hand you do want to see him again, say you'll be in touch and send him a text a couple of days later. Chances are, if the experience is as horny as you'd imagined it was, you'll spend days mulling over the same minute details until you've hit that seventh orgasm. At this point, consider yourself successful.
Keep doing it: Now that you've done it once, there are no longer any boundaries. People have the most unusual, quirky and interesting fantasies out there. Open your mind and explore everything you can, for experience brings wisdom and wisdom brings pleasure.
P.S - If s/he insists on dinner as opposed to a drink before hand, do it.
Push the boundaries: The whole purpose behind creating a hidden identity is to let your whoretastical self run lose, up up over the hill and into bed. Say what you want, be forthcoming and direct. Remember, you are not here to find the Lover your mother promised you would when you were younger, you are here to test the waters and see if there exists a man who will piss into your mouth whilst his friend does you up the arse. Sexuality is very much dependant on confidence, so display it. If you are not, the person reading your email will be able to sniff it. The same way one might sniff such low self esteem in a club, for example.
Don't be afraid: Alright, so you have a list of potential email address, men who tell you that they'd love to fuck you from behind and run their hand over your clit as they shove their tongue deep down into your ear. A rule of the Internet dating community is to offer photos in return for photos. Meeting people who you've never seen is a bad idea unless you're willing to take the risk that they might look like Frank Butcher or, even worse, Michelle MacManus.
Take (decent) photos: You are now caught in the midst of Internet punting and this should be supported by a portfolio (perhaps a strong word) or photos in which you look hot, stunning, eager, teasing, young and exciting. Fear not, this is easily done:
1) Take a friend whom you trust and who's hands don't wobble when nervous,
2) make yourself look pretty but not overly done so as not to cast doubt over any natural beauty you might have,
3) take one underwear shot and the others full body, perhaps even a black and white, 4) take more photos than you know what to do with - remember, the digital camera is digital for a reason,
5) Send the photos once you are entirely happy with them and ask for some in return. Until you receive some, don't send out any more. 2 photos to begin with let's say.
Meet them: If you decide to meet them, arrange a drink first somewhere not too far from either your place or his. Before you meet be very clear that this is a drink but that, dependent on that, you may invite him back to piss in your ear.
Hygiene: Wipe, wash, trim and powder. Anything to ensure you are the sexual god/goddess you have promised to be all along. Confidence is paramount so don't lose yourself at the important stage.
Fulfil your promises: Okay, so you're in bed and he's propped up against your headboard, one ball dangling in your mouth and the other bashing against your head as he feeds you his phallus. And then he pisses, a slow steady stream that run over your entire body. This is what you've wanted. Don't giggle and make him nervous, or consider yourself a whore now. You were a whore a long time ago.
Never commit: Don't say you'll call him if you won't. Be honest. That's the good thing about honest sex with stranger; you can be honest throughout and more often than not, they will understand where they stand with you. If on the other hand you do want to see him again, say you'll be in touch and send him a text a couple of days later. Chances are, if the experience is as horny as you'd imagined it was, you'll spend days mulling over the same minute details until you've hit that seventh orgasm. At this point, consider yourself successful.
Keep doing it: Now that you've done it once, there are no longer any boundaries. People have the most unusual, quirky and interesting fantasies out there. Open your mind and explore everything you can, for experience brings wisdom and wisdom brings pleasure.
P.S - If s/he insists on dinner as opposed to a drink before hand, do it.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Minorities
Cassandra
Age - 25
Looks like - a 70's rock chick/film star (equipped with black fur coat and everything)
Likes - 'men who are bad for me and who my parents would die after meeting, If ever I did something so silly'.
Parents' wishes - That she marry a nice, educated and wealthy Jewish man who would, no doubt, ensure her happiness.
What she says - 'Most Jewish men are fat and ugly and I don't ever want to marry one. My parents aren't even remotely religious but when it comes to Jewish men, it's as good as Family Law. No Boy is better than Non-Jewish Boy.
Me
Age - 23
Looks like - A younger version of Prince (no really), with far better dress sense and some facial hair. Some of my passport sized photographs might suggest terrorist, but these have all be sourced and burned.
Likes - Strong empowered females or white men (although other hot guys are equally welcome) with some hair and a reasonably sized phallus who are not (I repeat not) averse to the idea of an orgy.
Parent's wishes - That I marry a nice Indian girl who speaks 'our language', who can cook an authentic Indian banquet, who isn't bitchy and who is preferably a Doctor or a Chartered Accountant.
What I say - 'I wouldn't really mind marrying a cool and quirky Indian lesbian to shut the folks up and to conceal my cock-lust. Anything to make my life easier. But then, perhaps there is a woman who holds the key to my erection. It's not so much that I'm averse to Indian people, in fact, I'm deeply Indian myself in terms of my interests and inspirations. It's just that Indian cock simply doesn't do much for me. Doctors are all very well, but I think my lack of interest in things science related outweighs the need to have a live in GP just in case any hernias decide to play up.
'It's hard being in an ethnic minority' she said. I nodded in complete and utter agreement.
'The thing we should do is to live our lives regardless in a way that will prevent our families knowing anything about them'.
'And neither of us is ready or eager to marry, so there's little use in rocking the boat this early on'.
But there will come a time when my excuses for not marrying an Indian doctor will run dry. A time when some sort of truth will have to emerge.
The trouble is, when the shock of my life-on-the-side froths up to the top, it'll be an extended shock that people suffer. For I have always been the reliable one. Not even my current job will be enough to redeem me then, as it has in the past.
Age - 25
Looks like - a 70's rock chick/film star (equipped with black fur coat and everything)
Likes - 'men who are bad for me and who my parents would die after meeting, If ever I did something so silly'.
Parents' wishes - That she marry a nice, educated and wealthy Jewish man who would, no doubt, ensure her happiness.
What she says - 'Most Jewish men are fat and ugly and I don't ever want to marry one. My parents aren't even remotely religious but when it comes to Jewish men, it's as good as Family Law. No Boy is better than Non-Jewish Boy.
Me
Age - 23
Looks like - A younger version of Prince (no really), with far better dress sense and some facial hair. Some of my passport sized photographs might suggest terrorist, but these have all be sourced and burned.
Likes - Strong empowered females or white men (although other hot guys are equally welcome) with some hair and a reasonably sized phallus who are not (I repeat not) averse to the idea of an orgy.
Parent's wishes - That I marry a nice Indian girl who speaks 'our language', who can cook an authentic Indian banquet, who isn't bitchy and who is preferably a Doctor or a Chartered Accountant.
What I say - 'I wouldn't really mind marrying a cool and quirky Indian lesbian to shut the folks up and to conceal my cock-lust. Anything to make my life easier. But then, perhaps there is a woman who holds the key to my erection. It's not so much that I'm averse to Indian people, in fact, I'm deeply Indian myself in terms of my interests and inspirations. It's just that Indian cock simply doesn't do much for me. Doctors are all very well, but I think my lack of interest in things science related outweighs the need to have a live in GP just in case any hernias decide to play up.
'It's hard being in an ethnic minority' she said. I nodded in complete and utter agreement.
'The thing we should do is to live our lives regardless in a way that will prevent our families knowing anything about them'.
'And neither of us is ready or eager to marry, so there's little use in rocking the boat this early on'.
But there will come a time when my excuses for not marrying an Indian doctor will run dry. A time when some sort of truth will have to emerge.
The trouble is, when the shock of my life-on-the-side froths up to the top, it'll be an extended shock that people suffer. For I have always been the reliable one. Not even my current job will be enough to redeem me then, as it has in the past.
Male
If you have been reading this blog with any level of depth, you should realise that I'm a man.
I'm a 23 year old man who lives in London, who has a job and a life and who, for the most part, writes about his life.
The reason I say this, is because I have received a surprising number of emails from people who have read the blog and who thought that I was female.
No. I'm a man with a cock-fetish, not a woman.
The facts that I'm a man, that I have a cock-fetish and that I live in London are probably linked in some way. That London is full of people who don't know me, that it therefore becomes far easier to explore the gay scene and that I enjoy writing all accumulate here.
This is what forces me to live an interesting life and this is what encourages me to write about it.
Having said this, this blog is not aimed at procuring men for random sex. This blog is for the exchange of sexual ideas and for the formation of an unapologetic and extremely free sexual community.
Welcome.
I'm a 23 year old man who lives in London, who has a job and a life and who, for the most part, writes about his life.
The reason I say this, is because I have received a surprising number of emails from people who have read the blog and who thought that I was female.
No. I'm a man with a cock-fetish, not a woman.
The facts that I'm a man, that I have a cock-fetish and that I live in London are probably linked in some way. That London is full of people who don't know me, that it therefore becomes far easier to explore the gay scene and that I enjoy writing all accumulate here.
This is what forces me to live an interesting life and this is what encourages me to write about it.
Having said this, this blog is not aimed at procuring men for random sex. This blog is for the exchange of sexual ideas and for the formation of an unapologetic and extremely free sexual community.
Welcome.
Shopping
I'm always shocked by the amount of porn available in the sex shops. Buckets and buckets of it. For every fetish, for every desire, for everybody.
So, Katerina and I went sex shopping.
From fake vagina's made of soft rubber to huge vibrating, dancing and singing vibrators, we saw it all. Condoms of every flavour and variety (note: business plan of the future: produce flavours including Elderberry and Apple and Mint and Watermelon), lubricants of every scent, taste and different degrees of gloopiness. There were also handcuffs of every sort, bondage gear which confused even me, cock rings and cock outfits for every occasion. All I could see that was missing was a cage. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if they had one somewhere in flatpack form.
Katerina bought a cock ring for the BoyF and also a vibrator for herself. I lie, sex toys were for both of them.
In this respect, Katerina's sex life seems to have rocketed. Ever since the last 'break up' talk, the sex has improved and the BoyF is far more willing to do whatever he likes to her, regardless of how many vases and lamps fall onto the floor in the process.
On the discovery that Katerina had invested money on sex toys the BoyF showed apprehension. Firstly, as he'd never done anything 'like this' before. And secondly, out of worry that I might have been with Katerina when she bought these instruments. God knows I'd imagined him standing there naked with a vibrating willy if ever I knew anything. Katerina told him what he wanted to hear; that she had been all alone in the shop when she bought these things. That nobody would ever suspect anything.
Only time will tell what fruits her sex toys will bare. Whether the cock ring which doubles up as a clit vibrator will send them to orgasm city.
The BoyF insists that it won't make any difference to him.
In that case, we'll be wanting our money back.
So, Katerina and I went sex shopping.
From fake vagina's made of soft rubber to huge vibrating, dancing and singing vibrators, we saw it all. Condoms of every flavour and variety (note: business plan of the future: produce flavours including Elderberry and Apple and Mint and Watermelon), lubricants of every scent, taste and different degrees of gloopiness. There were also handcuffs of every sort, bondage gear which confused even me, cock rings and cock outfits for every occasion. All I could see that was missing was a cage. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if they had one somewhere in flatpack form.
Katerina bought a cock ring for the BoyF and also a vibrator for herself. I lie, sex toys were for both of them.
In this respect, Katerina's sex life seems to have rocketed. Ever since the last 'break up' talk, the sex has improved and the BoyF is far more willing to do whatever he likes to her, regardless of how many vases and lamps fall onto the floor in the process.
On the discovery that Katerina had invested money on sex toys the BoyF showed apprehension. Firstly, as he'd never done anything 'like this' before. And secondly, out of worry that I might have been with Katerina when she bought these instruments. God knows I'd imagined him standing there naked with a vibrating willy if ever I knew anything. Katerina told him what he wanted to hear; that she had been all alone in the shop when she bought these things. That nobody would ever suspect anything.
Only time will tell what fruits her sex toys will bare. Whether the cock ring which doubles up as a clit vibrator will send them to orgasm city.
The BoyF insists that it won't make any difference to him.
In that case, we'll be wanting our money back.
The Weekend
As the result of having a very poor social week last week, I decided that over the weekend I would make up for the week's social inactivity but cramming as much as I could into Saturday.
Thankfully, Katerina was here to assist me in this goal and we spent the day together.
Actually, If I begin with Friday night, Katerina and I went out for drinks with Aliena.
A nice enough, if unfamiliar group of people. A quiet drink.
And, as per usual, men made eyes at Katerina all night long, despite a few of them thinking that we were in fact, a couple. Forgoogdesssakes!
And, yes there was a Scottish hottie among the crowd.
Alright, I'll admit it...Once I've had a drink or two (or even when I haven't), i find is remarkably easy to ask questions of a sexual nature openly and without much shame. And so I asked the Scotsman something that has plagued my mind for a number of months.
'Tell me something' I said, 'Up in Scotland, how do people pronounce the word pussy?'
As his face grew red, I began to laugh, as did Katerina and the others around the table.
'I mean, is it Puss-e or Pooosey? And how might you say 'Can I like your pussy?'
'Well, I don't really use that word' said the boy, 'we say F.A.N.N.Y'
'Or Cunt', ventured Aliena
'Oh no!, not that word!' Sigh.
'Can I lick yer fanney?'
'And Pussy?'
'Pussy'.
'You mean they don't say Poosy?' at which point there must have been a hint of defeat in my voice.
So there we have it folks.
At 4 in the morning, after a night full of discussion and debate on subjects ranging from anal sex to bullying, Aliena, Katerina and I went to bed, alone.
And in the morning, we woke up later than usual before Mr ProPlus came over with his cycle which had broken.
That's correct, Mr ProPlus cycles everywhere. Whether it be a trip to Waitrose or a night out on the lash, Mr ProPlus takes his bicycle along. I, on the other hand, rely heavily on the London Underground to get me around, and thus far, I haven't been disappointed.
So, we all went for a coffee, and I, for a mint choc Frappo and Chocolate whirl cupcake.
'The last few times I've had one night stands I have felt completely dissatisfied' said Mr ProPlus, 'What i would like to do is to court a girl'.
At this point, the cupcake nearly lodged itself in my throat.
At which point, I wondered, after 1963 did anybody 'court' anybody?
Wasn't it all about the clubbing, the grinding and then the riding? Long gone were the days where men would wine and dine ladies, pay for everything and open every door. Or so I'd imagined.
But here, on 17th November 2007 we have a man declare that he wish to 'court' a girl. To put aside his sexual urges for, dare I say it, something more fulfilling.
Needless to say, my whore-like tendencies place me outside the realms of this school of thought, but what interests me is why a man who is 24 would want to settle, marry and have children (something also stated by Mr ProPlus on this occasion).
Is unfulfiling sex really an indicator that it's time to look for something long term and slow moving? Is sex out and love back in again?
Needless to say, this is most certainly an area of debate I'll be keeping my tabs on.
Having said this, as a more general observation, there are an awful lot of people i know, who are my age, who are marrying themselves off and having honeymoons in the Bahamas.
And as for being open minded, this is something I doubt I'll ever be able to get my head around. This need for commitment and regularity that people have. This need to remortgage their house in order to afford a lavish affair where gold leaves drape from the ceiling.
No, I just can't seem to get my head out of the gutter.
***
And then, Katerina and I
a) went to Chinatown and bought an awfully good selection of authentic Chinese ingredients
b) went to catch 'Elizabeth - The Golden Age' (which I thought was magnificent) - Cate Blanchett in a wig and corset, any day of the week.
c) at 2 in the morning, went to a club called Metra in Leicester Square and danced until 4 in the morning at which point we returned home and fell asleep, exhausted. Yes lots of men oogled Katerina and there were also a a fair few Indian snake charmers present who thought that pointed hands in the air and swirling hops might be the way into Katerina's bed. Needless to say it wasn't.
All in all, however, I consider this to be one of the most productive weekends I've had in the past few months. And most enjoyable.
Thankfully, Katerina was here to assist me in this goal and we spent the day together.
Actually, If I begin with Friday night, Katerina and I went out for drinks with Aliena.
A nice enough, if unfamiliar group of people. A quiet drink.
And, as per usual, men made eyes at Katerina all night long, despite a few of them thinking that we were in fact, a couple. Forgoogdesssakes!
And, yes there was a Scottish hottie among the crowd.
Alright, I'll admit it...Once I've had a drink or two (or even when I haven't), i find is remarkably easy to ask questions of a sexual nature openly and without much shame. And so I asked the Scotsman something that has plagued my mind for a number of months.
'Tell me something' I said, 'Up in Scotland, how do people pronounce the word pussy?'
As his face grew red, I began to laugh, as did Katerina and the others around the table.
'I mean, is it Puss-e or Pooosey? And how might you say 'Can I like your pussy?'
'Well, I don't really use that word' said the boy, 'we say F.A.N.N.Y'
'Or Cunt', ventured Aliena
'Oh no!, not that word!' Sigh.
'Can I lick yer fanney?'
'And Pussy?'
'Pussy'.
'You mean they don't say Poosy?' at which point there must have been a hint of defeat in my voice.
So there we have it folks.
At 4 in the morning, after a night full of discussion and debate on subjects ranging from anal sex to bullying, Aliena, Katerina and I went to bed, alone.
And in the morning, we woke up later than usual before Mr ProPlus came over with his cycle which had broken.
That's correct, Mr ProPlus cycles everywhere. Whether it be a trip to Waitrose or a night out on the lash, Mr ProPlus takes his bicycle along. I, on the other hand, rely heavily on the London Underground to get me around, and thus far, I haven't been disappointed.
So, we all went for a coffee, and I, for a mint choc Frappo and Chocolate whirl cupcake.
'The last few times I've had one night stands I have felt completely dissatisfied' said Mr ProPlus, 'What i would like to do is to court a girl'.
At this point, the cupcake nearly lodged itself in my throat.
At which point, I wondered, after 1963 did anybody 'court' anybody?
Wasn't it all about the clubbing, the grinding and then the riding? Long gone were the days where men would wine and dine ladies, pay for everything and open every door. Or so I'd imagined.
But here, on 17th November 2007 we have a man declare that he wish to 'court' a girl. To put aside his sexual urges for, dare I say it, something more fulfilling.
Needless to say, my whore-like tendencies place me outside the realms of this school of thought, but what interests me is why a man who is 24 would want to settle, marry and have children (something also stated by Mr ProPlus on this occasion).
Is unfulfiling sex really an indicator that it's time to look for something long term and slow moving? Is sex out and love back in again?
Needless to say, this is most certainly an area of debate I'll be keeping my tabs on.
Having said this, as a more general observation, there are an awful lot of people i know, who are my age, who are marrying themselves off and having honeymoons in the Bahamas.
And as for being open minded, this is something I doubt I'll ever be able to get my head around. This need for commitment and regularity that people have. This need to remortgage their house in order to afford a lavish affair where gold leaves drape from the ceiling.
No, I just can't seem to get my head out of the gutter.
***
And then, Katerina and I
a) went to Chinatown and bought an awfully good selection of authentic Chinese ingredients
b) went to catch 'Elizabeth - The Golden Age' (which I thought was magnificent) - Cate Blanchett in a wig and corset, any day of the week.
c) at 2 in the morning, went to a club called Metra in Leicester Square and danced until 4 in the morning at which point we returned home and fell asleep, exhausted. Yes lots of men oogled Katerina and there were also a a fair few Indian snake charmers present who thought that pointed hands in the air and swirling hops might be the way into Katerina's bed. Needless to say it wasn't.
All in all, however, I consider this to be one of the most productive weekends I've had in the past few months. And most enjoyable.
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Female
Each office must have one.
A lady from New Zealand (although any other part of the global landscape will do) who has the most annoying accent ever and also that...mmm...smarmy attitude.
She works right opposite me and always asks me to do some work for her. If I have 'capacity'. I hate that word 'capacity'.
x, are you busy? Do you have capacity (to do some work which really I should be doing, but which you can do, thereby affording me the opportunity of booking yet more flights abroad and ordering anything and everything off eBay?) Thanks!
And then, when the work is done I always get a promise of lunch, which never happens.
I don't know what it is, but professional females that I've come across seem to have a real manipulative and patronising streak.
With men it always seems to be far more straight forward. They tell you what they want you to do without sounding as though they are belittling you and will keep most of their promises. Surely that's professionalism at its best?
And the aforementioned lady is also a complete eyelash flutterer. Flirting with anything that moves. I suppose she thinks that'll make men putty in her hands.
And then there's the partner who treats secretaries like they're the scum of the earth. And why? because she's a partner.
Yes, she may have had to fight a thousand men to get where she is, but now that she's there, you might expect that she thinks back to time when she first started out as a secretary.
I do have a great admiration for women who have balls of steels and great guts and determination; I just find it difficult to understand why so many female high fliers only feel a true sense of worth if they can make other men feel inferior.
P.s. On the subject of high flying women - Am very pleased to see Katie Hopkins back on the TV. Although sadness that my current work regime means I haven't yet had the opportunity to watch any of her jungle adventures.
A lady from New Zealand (although any other part of the global landscape will do) who has the most annoying accent ever and also that...mmm...smarmy attitude.
She works right opposite me and always asks me to do some work for her. If I have 'capacity'. I hate that word 'capacity'.
x, are you busy? Do you have capacity (to do some work which really I should be doing, but which you can do, thereby affording me the opportunity of booking yet more flights abroad and ordering anything and everything off eBay?) Thanks!
And then, when the work is done I always get a promise of lunch, which never happens.
I don't know what it is, but professional females that I've come across seem to have a real manipulative and patronising streak.
With men it always seems to be far more straight forward. They tell you what they want you to do without sounding as though they are belittling you and will keep most of their promises. Surely that's professionalism at its best?
And the aforementioned lady is also a complete eyelash flutterer. Flirting with anything that moves. I suppose she thinks that'll make men putty in her hands.
And then there's the partner who treats secretaries like they're the scum of the earth. And why? because she's a partner.
Yes, she may have had to fight a thousand men to get where she is, but now that she's there, you might expect that she thinks back to time when she first started out as a secretary.
I do have a great admiration for women who have balls of steels and great guts and determination; I just find it difficult to understand why so many female high fliers only feel a true sense of worth if they can make other men feel inferior.
P.s. On the subject of high flying women - Am very pleased to see Katie Hopkins back on the TV. Although sadness that my current work regime means I haven't yet had the opportunity to watch any of her jungle adventures.
The Office
I can see how people might equate working in the place I do to having sex.
Firstly, one has (and I have) quickly realised that there is no option but to submit. Submit to your boss, submit to your firm. As an employee working in the sort of firm I do, there really is very little else I can do other than submit. (By this I mean, of course, working silly hours and being able to see what London looks like at 4am in the morning as you struggle to keep your eyes open in the cab home).
Secondly, there is the reality of answering to one person by day and another by time. Okay, so this might only be true for some of us, but what the heck.
Thirdly, just like sex, too much work can make you feel extremely tired, to the point that no amount of Red Bull or Pro Plus will make you feel as though you could conquer the world. All you need and want is sleep.
Again, I'll say, also like sex, work can keep you up to the very early hours and there are, perhaps unlike most sex, very few breaks in between where you can nod off.
Having said this, I'd much prefer a fuck.
Firstly, one has (and I have) quickly realised that there is no option but to submit. Submit to your boss, submit to your firm. As an employee working in the sort of firm I do, there really is very little else I can do other than submit. (By this I mean, of course, working silly hours and being able to see what London looks like at 4am in the morning as you struggle to keep your eyes open in the cab home).
Secondly, there is the reality of answering to one person by day and another by time. Okay, so this might only be true for some of us, but what the heck.
Thirdly, just like sex, too much work can make you feel extremely tired, to the point that no amount of Red Bull or Pro Plus will make you feel as though you could conquer the world. All you need and want is sleep.
Again, I'll say, also like sex, work can keep you up to the very early hours and there are, perhaps unlike most sex, very few breaks in between where you can nod off.
Having said this, I'd much prefer a fuck.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Speed Dating Update
You have received a total of 16 ticks from the Speed Dating event you attended'.
So, out of the 23 men I met on the night, 16 of those wanted me either as a 'friend', or saw me as lover potential.
Not bad going old chap, I thought.
Of the people I myself expressed an interest in, 2 have said 'yes' and 7 have said 'yes to friendship'. 3 people are still to post their results up (lazy bastards)
For each yes/friendship tick I received I emailed that person straight away, suggesting we might meet for a drink.
1 'yes' has replied and 5 'friends' have replied. The next step would be to arrange a drink Methinks.
Thankfully, my determination to bed one of the 'friends' is limited to only one - otherwise this might spell trouble.
So, out of the 23 men I met on the night, 16 of those wanted me either as a 'friend', or saw me as lover potential.
Not bad going old chap, I thought.
Of the people I myself expressed an interest in, 2 have said 'yes' and 7 have said 'yes to friendship'. 3 people are still to post their results up (lazy bastards)
For each yes/friendship tick I received I emailed that person straight away, suggesting we might meet for a drink.
1 'yes' has replied and 5 'friends' have replied. The next step would be to arrange a drink Methinks.
Thankfully, my determination to bed one of the 'friends' is limited to only one - otherwise this might spell trouble.
Lunch
Went for luncheon with Katerina and a boy, with whom she works, who clearly (not unlike the majority of mankind), wants a piece of her.
So, we struck up the usual conversation, circling topics including what we all did for a living and how much we each enjoy (or, in my case, not so much recently) our jobs.
And, rather surprisingly, Katerina brought up the issue of sex. And we talked about what she might give her BoyF for his birthday. A trip to Paris is looking more and more unlikely and so what we're left with of course, is a bondage/leather party complete with bow tie and pulleys hanging from the ceiling. Ooh, did I just slip into a dream then? I guess I must have.
The boy at Luncheon enquired
'What are you talking about?'
'Oh, what to buy my BoyF for his birthday. And toys.
'What kind of toys?' (at which point i seriously began to wonder whether this was his feeble attempt at humour, for I'm sure the latex and bondage references were both loud and clear)
'Oh,just toys' said Katerina
'Just toys?'
'So, this sushi is really nice, wouldn't you say?' I asked, wanting to put an end to the non-listener's babble.
I should have said Vibrator, on second thoughts. That would have added a different dimension to our lunch altogether.
***
Katerina says that she has broached the subject of threesomes with the BoyF on numerous occasions.
'When we're in the middle of sex he always says yes. After a while he grows dubious'.
(By threesome she means adding another woman into the equation).
That could be an idea, i said. That or a strip club which you'd both visit together'.
I do have great admiration for any woman who'll pay for her BoyF to receive a lap dance. Not all girls would have the balls to do that.
I suggested she have a threesome with her BoyF and another man, although, on second thoughts, her BoyF wouldn't be able to see her getting jiggy with another man without wanting to punch his lights out.
After all, it is HIS birthday. It should all be about HIM.
So, we struck up the usual conversation, circling topics including what we all did for a living and how much we each enjoy (or, in my case, not so much recently) our jobs.
And, rather surprisingly, Katerina brought up the issue of sex. And we talked about what she might give her BoyF for his birthday. A trip to Paris is looking more and more unlikely and so what we're left with of course, is a bondage/leather party complete with bow tie and pulleys hanging from the ceiling. Ooh, did I just slip into a dream then? I guess I must have.
The boy at Luncheon enquired
'What are you talking about?'
'Oh, what to buy my BoyF for his birthday. And toys.
'What kind of toys?' (at which point i seriously began to wonder whether this was his feeble attempt at humour, for I'm sure the latex and bondage references were both loud and clear)
'Oh,just toys' said Katerina
'Just toys?'
'So, this sushi is really nice, wouldn't you say?' I asked, wanting to put an end to the non-listener's babble.
I should have said Vibrator, on second thoughts. That would have added a different dimension to our lunch altogether.
***
Katerina says that she has broached the subject of threesomes with the BoyF on numerous occasions.
'When we're in the middle of sex he always says yes. After a while he grows dubious'.
(By threesome she means adding another woman into the equation).
That could be an idea, i said. That or a strip club which you'd both visit together'.
I do have great admiration for any woman who'll pay for her BoyF to receive a lap dance. Not all girls would have the balls to do that.
I suggested she have a threesome with her BoyF and another man, although, on second thoughts, her BoyF wouldn't be able to see her getting jiggy with another man without wanting to punch his lights out.
After all, it is HIS birthday. It should all be about HIM.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
A Good Wife
An article entitled 'The Good Wife's Guide' was published in Housekeeping Monthly Magazine, on 13 May 1955.
Needless to say, there are some fruitful lessons to be learnt here:
''Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift, and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives and run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal is to try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions, or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house, and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.''
Smile.
Needless to say, there are some fruitful lessons to be learnt here:
''Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift, and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives and run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal is to try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions, or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house, and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.''
Smile.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
sex sex sex sex sex
As a child I don't ever recall speaking about sex with my parents.
What I do remember is a brief induction to sexual education in my final year at Primary School.
We were given a letter to take home to our parents which stated in quite clear terms that our sexual education was in their hands. That is to say, there were three videos that the school was going to show children, each with an increasing degree of, what I used to consider, rudeness of vulgarity. Parents had to tick the box and indicate which videos they would like their children to see.
1) A video which focused on the idea of gender difference. A video showing us what the other sex possessed which was so different to what we, as boys, had.
2) A video which talked about sexual intercourse and the resulting babies (note- condoms were not a part of the deal - it was only when I was a few years older that I realised that all sex didn't culminate in a child.
3) A video which featured a woman giving birth (this, for some strange reason was the most controversial, or so the school thought).
My mother ticked only the first two, clearly feeling at the time that subjecting me to a full blown labour would do me much more harm than good. Dare i say it, if she could see what I was up to now, she'd consider her worries perfectly justified.
Before handing the slip back to my teacher I remember taking a pen and ticking the third box. This was one of the first lies I ever told my mother.
The first two videos I don't remember at all, but the last sticks in my mind sharply.
I remember being repulsed by the child birth. All that blood and gore and screaming and all for the most ugly horrific looking mess to come out of you like something from an alien film. I was convinced that I, of all people, must have emerged in a silk pyjamas. (Note- I hadn't seen Alien at that time, but you know what I mean)
Needless to say, this journey of sexual liberation is something of which I am completely and utterly my own architect. My mother never sat me down and discussed sex, women, willies, any of that.
It was my curiosity that got the better of me. That feeling that I was missing out on something forbidden.
And now, as I sit at my desk, I'm wondering what it is about Indian parents that prevents them from discussing sex. That prevents them from telling their children that sex is something natural that people partake in as they grow older and something that, if done correctly, can provide immense pleasure.
It might be a religious thing, granted, but then how many Hindus actually know anything about Hinduism.
It might also have something to do with the arranged marriage that my parents (and most of my other family) had. The suppression of sexual desire until after marriage. The funny thing is, I doubt my parents talked about sex openly even after having had years of it and produced two children.
And so, perhaps it never occurred to them that their children might grow up in a world where sex was so readily available. A world where fewer and fewer people remain virgins until marriage.
I'm sure my mother will always consider me a virgin up until my wedding night.
And of the joy of sex, i expect, like so many others just like them, never really occurred to my parents. It was something people did. Something married people did.
Of course, all of this hypothesising might be completely wrong. My parents, may (and this would please me), bask in the glory of sex and be revolutionaries.
I'll just never know. Because we've never really talked about it.
What I do remember is a brief induction to sexual education in my final year at Primary School.
We were given a letter to take home to our parents which stated in quite clear terms that our sexual education was in their hands. That is to say, there were three videos that the school was going to show children, each with an increasing degree of, what I used to consider, rudeness of vulgarity. Parents had to tick the box and indicate which videos they would like their children to see.
1) A video which focused on the idea of gender difference. A video showing us what the other sex possessed which was so different to what we, as boys, had.
2) A video which talked about sexual intercourse and the resulting babies (note- condoms were not a part of the deal - it was only when I was a few years older that I realised that all sex didn't culminate in a child.
3) A video which featured a woman giving birth (this, for some strange reason was the most controversial, or so the school thought).
My mother ticked only the first two, clearly feeling at the time that subjecting me to a full blown labour would do me much more harm than good. Dare i say it, if she could see what I was up to now, she'd consider her worries perfectly justified.
Before handing the slip back to my teacher I remember taking a pen and ticking the third box. This was one of the first lies I ever told my mother.
The first two videos I don't remember at all, but the last sticks in my mind sharply.
I remember being repulsed by the child birth. All that blood and gore and screaming and all for the most ugly horrific looking mess to come out of you like something from an alien film. I was convinced that I, of all people, must have emerged in a silk pyjamas. (Note- I hadn't seen Alien at that time, but you know what I mean)
Needless to say, this journey of sexual liberation is something of which I am completely and utterly my own architect. My mother never sat me down and discussed sex, women, willies, any of that.
It was my curiosity that got the better of me. That feeling that I was missing out on something forbidden.
And now, as I sit at my desk, I'm wondering what it is about Indian parents that prevents them from discussing sex. That prevents them from telling their children that sex is something natural that people partake in as they grow older and something that, if done correctly, can provide immense pleasure.
It might be a religious thing, granted, but then how many Hindus actually know anything about Hinduism.
It might also have something to do with the arranged marriage that my parents (and most of my other family) had. The suppression of sexual desire until after marriage. The funny thing is, I doubt my parents talked about sex openly even after having had years of it and produced two children.
And so, perhaps it never occurred to them that their children might grow up in a world where sex was so readily available. A world where fewer and fewer people remain virgins until marriage.
I'm sure my mother will always consider me a virgin up until my wedding night.
And of the joy of sex, i expect, like so many others just like them, never really occurred to my parents. It was something people did. Something married people did.
Of course, all of this hypothesising might be completely wrong. My parents, may (and this would please me), bask in the glory of sex and be revolutionaries.
I'll just never know. Because we've never really talked about it.
Random poking
On occasion, I'm poked by somebody random on Facebook.
Fair enough, my profile pictures are often hugely entertaining, or artistic, or, in the case of 'the lady with the chicken placed at her fanny', both.
But this particular poke I received a couple of days back caught my eye.
His limited profile gave this much away:
1) He was an actor and had starred in a theatre production that I'd gone to see a number of years ago and, truth be told, despised.
2) He wrote about himself in third person " X has just finished writing a novel and has an agent who is trying to sell the publishing deal" - I suppose this alone should have set the alarm bells off. Talking about oneself in third person really gives off such an air of bullshit.
3) His photo was ok, he was sort of fit and he was Indian. His arms looked nice, which just enough hair (hmm). If I have to be picky I'd say his eyes looked sort of droopy and miserable.
And, well, that was it.
So, I proceeded to send him an email, thanking him (?!) for poking me and trying, in the subtlest way possible, to figure out who the fuck he was and how he managed to find me on Facebook.
It may just be my own stereotypes, but the moment a guy like him pokes me, I just know he's gay. Don't ask me how or why, and yes, I'm fully aware of my judgemental streak.
So, a few days passed and then yesterday (when I spent 15 hours at work), emails were going back and forth until I was able to ascertain what this guy does (he used to do what I'm currently doing) and we discussed at great length our mutual interest in Creative Writing.
Needless to say, by the end of it all, I'd suggested meeting and he'd facebooked me his number quicker than you can say 'whoop my ass'.
Then finally, on the way home last night I decided to text him ( I was a) horny, b) bored - although, driving through Central London at midnight is awesome!, and c) had an urge to clarify the gay issue.
So, he text back immediately. And then we exchanged around ten messages.
'Are you gay?' I asked
'There's no clear cut answer to that' came the response
and then we proceeded to have text sex, him describing to me how precisely he likes his nipples to be sucked and bitten and how he's a 'wet and sensuous' kisser. Oh, and there was a slight mention of a foot fetish.
And he only likes to kiss, suck nipples and wank. So fucking and sucking is out of the question. Never mind eh. Give me a couple of hours.
I imagine we'll probably meet soon enough. I quite like the idea of an apprentice.
Fair enough, my profile pictures are often hugely entertaining, or artistic, or, in the case of 'the lady with the chicken placed at her fanny', both.
But this particular poke I received a couple of days back caught my eye.
His limited profile gave this much away:
1) He was an actor and had starred in a theatre production that I'd gone to see a number of years ago and, truth be told, despised.
2) He wrote about himself in third person " X has just finished writing a novel and has an agent who is trying to sell the publishing deal" - I suppose this alone should have set the alarm bells off. Talking about oneself in third person really gives off such an air of bullshit.
3) His photo was ok, he was sort of fit and he was Indian. His arms looked nice, which just enough hair (hmm). If I have to be picky I'd say his eyes looked sort of droopy and miserable.
And, well, that was it.
So, I proceeded to send him an email, thanking him (?!) for poking me and trying, in the subtlest way possible, to figure out who the fuck he was and how he managed to find me on Facebook.
It may just be my own stereotypes, but the moment a guy like him pokes me, I just know he's gay. Don't ask me how or why, and yes, I'm fully aware of my judgemental streak.
So, a few days passed and then yesterday (when I spent 15 hours at work), emails were going back and forth until I was able to ascertain what this guy does (he used to do what I'm currently doing) and we discussed at great length our mutual interest in Creative Writing.
Needless to say, by the end of it all, I'd suggested meeting and he'd facebooked me his number quicker than you can say 'whoop my ass'.
Then finally, on the way home last night I decided to text him ( I was a) horny, b) bored - although, driving through Central London at midnight is awesome!, and c) had an urge to clarify the gay issue.
So, he text back immediately. And then we exchanged around ten messages.
'Are you gay?' I asked
'There's no clear cut answer to that' came the response
and then we proceeded to have text sex, him describing to me how precisely he likes his nipples to be sucked and bitten and how he's a 'wet and sensuous' kisser. Oh, and there was a slight mention of a foot fetish.
And he only likes to kiss, suck nipples and wank. So fucking and sucking is out of the question. Never mind eh. Give me a couple of hours.
I imagine we'll probably meet soon enough. I quite like the idea of an apprentice.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Confessions continued
A few more confessions for you...
1) I'm a horrible Girlfriend
"Well.. okay, here goes.
When I got with my first ever serious boyfriend, it took me a while but then I'd thought I'd fallen 'in love'. It took me ages to build up the courage to tell him this and when I finally was going to, he dumped me. Because I was going to uni quite far away. Obviously, I was heart-broken.
I still fancied him for ages, but, you know.. got over it eventually, or allowed myself to believe as much anyway.
So, after a month or so of being a uni, I met this.. only way to put it.. heart-throb. Tall, slim, gorgeous eyes, fantastically wavey messy hair and a smile that sent tingles down my spine. He asked me out for a date, I agreed. After a while, we were seeing each other everyday.
Then I got scared and totally ignored him for two months. (I was told by all this friends that it was destroying him). So one drunken night, I texted him, he came running, and we had fun dancing. (This is like, 3-4 months after we'd met and done nothing but peck on the lips btw) and then I ignored him again for a month.
Then texted him randomly and we started to meet up again, slowly worked our way up to French kissing, then slept with him one drunken night (he protested, saying I was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage of me... but relented eventually) and then until uni finished for the semester - and the year - I lived with him over the summer.
Then he went to America for a semester.
And this is were I show how much of a bitch I am, because during all that time, I have fallen in love with this boy - and I mean real love this time. And he says the same too and I believe him. He's so insecure because his last GF fucked him over, and I've told him I'd never hurt him. We're even engaged.
I went home for a weekend and nearly slept with my ex-bf. As in nearly, I mean, he was millimetres away from being inside me. But I stopped it.
If someone loves someone as much as I claim to love him, how could I have done that to him?"
2) I said something I shouldn't have
"This is my first confession on the board. When I was at school I was totally in love with this girl. She didn't love me and back then because I was a lot younger I never realised that there was nothing I could do / have done to make her love me. I was never one of these guys with lots of confidence. I wasn't a loner, I had friends here and there but never really a group of friends that I hung around with. So I became close to HER mates in an attempt to get close to her. As a result we became friends. But I was so in love with her I would have done anything to get her. Eventually she found out about my feelings for her, and she told me we were just good friends and nothing more. This drove me mad but I couldn't let her go just like that so we stayed friends. It was so hard after that especially she fancied one of my oldest mates and flirted with him. Eventually before we both went off to college I made one last attempt to win her heart, and she still refused me, saying we could be friends but nothing more. That's when I said the thing to her that I regret the most, something along the lines of "If you'll never love me then I hope you die alone like i will". I don't know why i said it i guess I was just angry with her and i felt so strongly but i regretted it afterwards. She moved away because of college and I still regretted saying it. That was 5 years ago.
I eventually got over her, I went to college for a year but it didn't work out, but I found myself a job and met new friends etc, I've since been in two serious relationships and known happiness, which I never thought I would. Recently I bumped into her friend and asked how she was doing, it turns out that she is sick, she has developed multiple sclerosis and can hardly walk, and for the last year or so she has been getting worse. I remembered what I said to her that day and now it haunts me. Maybe I deserve to be alone."
3) I'm married but I love wanking
"I've been with my wife now 8 yrs and love her to bits. We enjoy sex together just not as often as I'd like. In between I tend to masturbate a lot. That's if you think once a day is a lot. I must orgasm at least once a day. Love to watch porn and pleasure myself. Would love to have a woman I've never met before watch me pleasuring myself, would love to watch her pleasure herself come to think of it."
4) Weird bisexual urges
"I'm a good looking young straight female but would like to experiment with females.....but i only want a hot blonde girl, no one else! redheads, blondes, Asian, oriental, black or other women don't turn me on in the slightest. I only get bisexual urges if its a hot blonde...how weird is that??"
1) I'm a horrible Girlfriend
"Well.. okay, here goes.
When I got with my first ever serious boyfriend, it took me a while but then I'd thought I'd fallen 'in love'. It took me ages to build up the courage to tell him this and when I finally was going to, he dumped me. Because I was going to uni quite far away. Obviously, I was heart-broken.
I still fancied him for ages, but, you know.. got over it eventually, or allowed myself to believe as much anyway.
So, after a month or so of being a uni, I met this.. only way to put it.. heart-throb. Tall, slim, gorgeous eyes, fantastically wavey messy hair and a smile that sent tingles down my spine. He asked me out for a date, I agreed. After a while, we were seeing each other everyday.
Then I got scared and totally ignored him for two months. (I was told by all this friends that it was destroying him). So one drunken night, I texted him, he came running, and we had fun dancing. (This is like, 3-4 months after we'd met and done nothing but peck on the lips btw) and then I ignored him again for a month.
Then texted him randomly and we started to meet up again, slowly worked our way up to French kissing, then slept with him one drunken night (he protested, saying I was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage of me... but relented eventually) and then until uni finished for the semester - and the year - I lived with him over the summer.
Then he went to America for a semester.
And this is were I show how much of a bitch I am, because during all that time, I have fallen in love with this boy - and I mean real love this time. And he says the same too and I believe him. He's so insecure because his last GF fucked him over, and I've told him I'd never hurt him. We're even engaged.
I went home for a weekend and nearly slept with my ex-bf. As in nearly, I mean, he was millimetres away from being inside me. But I stopped it.
If someone loves someone as much as I claim to love him, how could I have done that to him?"
2) I said something I shouldn't have
"This is my first confession on the board. When I was at school I was totally in love with this girl. She didn't love me and back then because I was a lot younger I never realised that there was nothing I could do / have done to make her love me. I was never one of these guys with lots of confidence. I wasn't a loner, I had friends here and there but never really a group of friends that I hung around with. So I became close to HER mates in an attempt to get close to her. As a result we became friends. But I was so in love with her I would have done anything to get her. Eventually she found out about my feelings for her, and she told me we were just good friends and nothing more. This drove me mad but I couldn't let her go just like that so we stayed friends. It was so hard after that especially she fancied one of my oldest mates and flirted with him. Eventually before we both went off to college I made one last attempt to win her heart, and she still refused me, saying we could be friends but nothing more. That's when I said the thing to her that I regret the most, something along the lines of "If you'll never love me then I hope you die alone like i will". I don't know why i said it i guess I was just angry with her and i felt so strongly but i regretted it afterwards. She moved away because of college and I still regretted saying it. That was 5 years ago.
I eventually got over her, I went to college for a year but it didn't work out, but I found myself a job and met new friends etc, I've since been in two serious relationships and known happiness, which I never thought I would. Recently I bumped into her friend and asked how she was doing, it turns out that she is sick, she has developed multiple sclerosis and can hardly walk, and for the last year or so she has been getting worse. I remembered what I said to her that day and now it haunts me. Maybe I deserve to be alone."
3) I'm married but I love wanking
"I've been with my wife now 8 yrs and love her to bits. We enjoy sex together just not as often as I'd like. In between I tend to masturbate a lot. That's if you think once a day is a lot. I must orgasm at least once a day. Love to watch porn and pleasure myself. Would love to have a woman I've never met before watch me pleasuring myself, would love to watch her pleasure herself come to think of it."
4) Weird bisexual urges
"I'm a good looking young straight female but would like to experiment with females.....but i only want a hot blonde girl, no one else! redheads, blondes, Asian, oriental, black or other women don't turn me on in the slightest. I only get bisexual urges if its a hot blonde...how weird is that??"
Friday, November 09, 2007
And...
Two days after the speed dating, yours truly has received:
2 yes matches
6 friendship matches
5 people still have to post their results on the website.
Needless to say, I've emailed both yes matches and suggested dates in the next few weeks. No reply as yet, however we wait we bated breath.
2 yes matches
6 friendship matches
5 people still have to post their results on the website.
Needless to say, I've emailed both yes matches and suggested dates in the next few weeks. No reply as yet, however we wait we bated breath.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Speed Dating
'Okay, tell me...
If you could host a dinner party and invite any three people, dead or alive, male or female, who would they be and why?'
'Ooh, that's a tricky one. Umm, maybe Satan? Yes, Satan and Mahatma Ghandi. It would be good to see what sort of conversation would develop. Umm, and the third one...Britney, because of the whole gay thing'.
Sure enough, what the man had described was a dinner party I'd never attend. Ever.
That said, my questions were definitely the best ones being asked. And that's not my own assumption, no, that's what people were saying. An awful lot of people in fact. 40 single gay men to be precise.
Yes, it's contrived, yes, 3 minutes really is a very very short time, and yes there are occasional odd balls, but all in all, I had a really fun and engaging time at last night's speed dating event.
The trick is, I'm sure, to harbour low expectations. Truth be told, I expected ten people, all of whom weren't particularly good looking and three minutes of erms, arrs and enforced conversation.
What I got was 40 men, some charming, a few incredibly sexy, some high fliers (Architects, Bankers, Men In 'Finance', Lawyers, An (incredibly hot) Opera Singer) and most if not all, incredibly friendly, with whom 3 minutes felt like a few seconds.
This is how it worked:
You are given a badge with your name on it and a number. All the odd numbers sit on the table that has their number on it. All the even numbers sit at the table that has a number which is one lower than their even number. You have a three minute date and then they blow a whistle, at which point, the even numbers move clockwise to the next odd number along. Odd numbers (myself included), stay stagnant throughout the whole thing.
Each person is given a scoring card where there is space to write down each man's number, name, whether you want to seem them again or not and whether you might consider them for purposes of friendship.
After each whistle, you have roughly two seconds to fill the form in before the next even number is upon you.
All in all, I had 20 dates. And this took us up until 10pm. Of course, being all men, there are 20 guys with whom I won't have had a date and therefore, during the breaks (of which there were two), people were encouraged to speak to people who were the same sort of number as themselves. If I liked the look of an odd number I'd have to make an effort to go and talk to him during one of these intervals.
The following day you log in to the dating website and enter your results. If you have any matches, whether 'friends' or otherwise, you'll be notified and granted access to their email address and profile. The rest is then up to you.
Now to my questions:
Apart from the above one (which gained the most insightful responses - although, i should add, not a single gay man wanted Mother Teresa at the dinner party), I asked:
'If you could do anything right now and there were no barriers whatsoever, what would that be?'
a) 'Fly' ( a very common answer I discovered) - fly to Mexico. I, too would have flown, flown out there to find Brad Pitt and Gael Garcia Bernal, taken them up into the sky and demanded an orgy. I mean, where would they go otherwise?
b) 'I'd pull that guy over there with the Tshirt on that says 23, and shag him. Right now!' said a barrister during our date.
c) 'I'd follow the route of the Oriental Express and fly along that, stopping along the way.
d) 'I'd grab somebody fit, go to the nearest Sainsburys, into their store room and shag them up against the bread'. (He did find this funny)
And then the question I saved for the ones i thought might be able to handle it:
'If your BoyF came home and said to you that he wanted to have a threesome or partake in an orgy, what would your immediate reaction be?'
a) 'Fuck off! That's what my immediate reaction would be', said perhaps the most attractive Maori guy I'd ever seen with the least annoying Kiwi accent (Hooray!) 'although, I would want to know what made him say that or want that'. I did say yes to this guy however I feel this question may have taken him aback/offended him. Ah well, time will tell.
b) 'Why only a threesome? Can't we have an eightsome?' - my sort of guy!
c) 'If he wants an orgy, there's clearly something lacking in our relationship and if we can't please each other then we need to question why it is that we are even together. I would say no and feel gutted.' - Pah!
The thing I don't understand is, why on earth do people assume that one person's desire to have a liberated and unapologetic sexual existence automatically renders the relationship unstable or their partner unsatisfying? Surely it's possible to want somebody just as much the entire way through put also want to use other people as a sexual object to increase your pleasure?
I was shocked at the number of men who felt that the ideas of an orgy or a threesome, when presented within a relationship, were indicitory of a relationship flaw. Only one person said that they would encourage it. The rest were truly repulsed and saw it as a personal attack.
The desire to move outside the conventional sex scenario doesn't always mean you are unsatisfied with your current partner, does it?
In relation to the dinner party, one guy suggested that he'd like to invite Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. Another man said he'd invite his family as he doesn't see them enough. That's fine, I said, which three of them? Well two are twins so they count as one don't they? 'Nope, not for the purposes of this (mental note - this wasn't Big Brother!), at which point he declared the question unanswerable.
On a separate note, I did hear one man ask his date what he'd want put in his coffin once he'd died. *Raised eyebrow*
Although, if it were me, and despite the fact that I want to be cremated, I'd say a packet of vibrating condoms and some lube - just in case I get lucky.
Yes = 7 people
No = 23 People (17 of which I didn't even meet)
Friends = 10 People
Stay tuned...
If you could host a dinner party and invite any three people, dead or alive, male or female, who would they be and why?'
'Ooh, that's a tricky one. Umm, maybe Satan? Yes, Satan and Mahatma Ghandi. It would be good to see what sort of conversation would develop. Umm, and the third one...Britney, because of the whole gay thing'.
Sure enough, what the man had described was a dinner party I'd never attend. Ever.
That said, my questions were definitely the best ones being asked. And that's not my own assumption, no, that's what people were saying. An awful lot of people in fact. 40 single gay men to be precise.
Yes, it's contrived, yes, 3 minutes really is a very very short time, and yes there are occasional odd balls, but all in all, I had a really fun and engaging time at last night's speed dating event.
The trick is, I'm sure, to harbour low expectations. Truth be told, I expected ten people, all of whom weren't particularly good looking and three minutes of erms, arrs and enforced conversation.
What I got was 40 men, some charming, a few incredibly sexy, some high fliers (Architects, Bankers, Men In 'Finance', Lawyers, An (incredibly hot) Opera Singer) and most if not all, incredibly friendly, with whom 3 minutes felt like a few seconds.
This is how it worked:
You are given a badge with your name on it and a number. All the odd numbers sit on the table that has their number on it. All the even numbers sit at the table that has a number which is one lower than their even number. You have a three minute date and then they blow a whistle, at which point, the even numbers move clockwise to the next odd number along. Odd numbers (myself included), stay stagnant throughout the whole thing.
Each person is given a scoring card where there is space to write down each man's number, name, whether you want to seem them again or not and whether you might consider them for purposes of friendship.
After each whistle, you have roughly two seconds to fill the form in before the next even number is upon you.
All in all, I had 20 dates. And this took us up until 10pm. Of course, being all men, there are 20 guys with whom I won't have had a date and therefore, during the breaks (of which there were two), people were encouraged to speak to people who were the same sort of number as themselves. If I liked the look of an odd number I'd have to make an effort to go and talk to him during one of these intervals.
The following day you log in to the dating website and enter your results. If you have any matches, whether 'friends' or otherwise, you'll be notified and granted access to their email address and profile. The rest is then up to you.
Now to my questions:
Apart from the above one (which gained the most insightful responses - although, i should add, not a single gay man wanted Mother Teresa at the dinner party), I asked:
'If you could do anything right now and there were no barriers whatsoever, what would that be?'
a) 'Fly' ( a very common answer I discovered) - fly to Mexico. I, too would have flown, flown out there to find Brad Pitt and Gael Garcia Bernal, taken them up into the sky and demanded an orgy. I mean, where would they go otherwise?
b) 'I'd pull that guy over there with the Tshirt on that says 23, and shag him. Right now!' said a barrister during our date.
c) 'I'd follow the route of the Oriental Express and fly along that, stopping along the way.
d) 'I'd grab somebody fit, go to the nearest Sainsburys, into their store room and shag them up against the bread'. (He did find this funny)
And then the question I saved for the ones i thought might be able to handle it:
'If your BoyF came home and said to you that he wanted to have a threesome or partake in an orgy, what would your immediate reaction be?'
a) 'Fuck off! That's what my immediate reaction would be', said perhaps the most attractive Maori guy I'd ever seen with the least annoying Kiwi accent (Hooray!) 'although, I would want to know what made him say that or want that'. I did say yes to this guy however I feel this question may have taken him aback/offended him. Ah well, time will tell.
b) 'Why only a threesome? Can't we have an eightsome?' - my sort of guy!
c) 'If he wants an orgy, there's clearly something lacking in our relationship and if we can't please each other then we need to question why it is that we are even together. I would say no and feel gutted.' - Pah!
The thing I don't understand is, why on earth do people assume that one person's desire to have a liberated and unapologetic sexual existence automatically renders the relationship unstable or their partner unsatisfying? Surely it's possible to want somebody just as much the entire way through put also want to use other people as a sexual object to increase your pleasure?
I was shocked at the number of men who felt that the ideas of an orgy or a threesome, when presented within a relationship, were indicitory of a relationship flaw. Only one person said that they would encourage it. The rest were truly repulsed and saw it as a personal attack.
The desire to move outside the conventional sex scenario doesn't always mean you are unsatisfied with your current partner, does it?
In relation to the dinner party, one guy suggested that he'd like to invite Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. Another man said he'd invite his family as he doesn't see them enough. That's fine, I said, which three of them? Well two are twins so they count as one don't they? 'Nope, not for the purposes of this (mental note - this wasn't Big Brother!), at which point he declared the question unanswerable.
On a separate note, I did hear one man ask his date what he'd want put in his coffin once he'd died. *Raised eyebrow*
Although, if it were me, and despite the fact that I want to be cremated, I'd say a packet of vibrating condoms and some lube - just in case I get lucky.
Yes = 7 people
No = 23 People (17 of which I didn't even meet)
Friends = 10 People
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
The Law (and sex)
Recieved an email from Aliena a few moments ago. What we have here are examples of the world's weirdest legal cases, enjoy!
1) In 2005, a Brazilian woman sued her partner for failing to give her orgasms. The 31-year old woman from Jundiai asserted in her case that her 38-year old partner routinely ended sexual intercourse after he reached an orgasm. After a promising start the action ended in something of an anticlimax for the claimant when her case was rejected.
2) In 2005, the Massachusetts Appeals Court was asked to rule on when a sexual technique was dangerous. Early one morning, a man and woman in a long-term relationship were engaged in consensual intercourse. During the passionate event, and, without the man’s consent, the woman suddenly manoeuvred herself in a way that caused him to suffer a penile fracture. Emergency surgery was required. The court ruled that while “reckless” sexual conduct may be actionable, “merely negligent” conduct was not. It dismissed the man’s case.
3) In 2007, a court in India was asked to decide whether a vibrating condom is a contraceptive or a sex toy. The condoms contain a battery-operated device, and, for the avoidance of doubt, are marketed as “Crezendo”. Opponents argue it’s a sex toy and thus unlawful in India, whereas the manufacturer says it’s a contraceptive and promotional of public health.
4) A Las Vegas law prohibiting strippers from fondling customers during lap dances was ruled by the Nevada Supreme Court in 2006 to be valid. The issue was whether the local law was unconstitutionally vague and therefore unenforceable. The law states that “no attendant or server shall fondle or caress any patron” with intent to arouse him. Lawyers discussed at length whether grinding (of dancers’ bottoms into men’s laps) amounted to a fondle or caress, and whether the brushing of breast into patrons’ faces was prohibited conduct. The local law was declared valid because the court thought enforcers would be able to know a fondle or caress if they saw one.
5) In 1964, the Exchequer Court of Canada was asked to decide whether the expenses of running a “call girl” business in Vancouver were deductible from gross income for the purposes of income tax. The madam and seven call girls were all convicted and imprisoned. And then taxed. Claims for tax deductions in respect of the ordinary parts of the business, such as phone bills, were allowed. Other types of expenses were disallowed because the business couldn’t prove them with receipts, including $2000 for liquor for local officials and $1000 paid to "certain men possessed of physical strength and some guile, which they exercised when set to extricate a girl from difficulties".
6) In May, 2004 in Connecticut, Heather Specyalski was charged with the homicide of Neil Esposito. He was thrown from a car that prosecutors said was being driven by Specyalski when it spun out of control and crashed. The defendant argued that she couldn’t have been driving because she was in the passenger seat performing oral sex on Esposito, whom she alleged was at the wheel. Esposito was found with his trousers down but prosecutors argue this could have been because he was “mooning” or urinating out of the car window while in the passenger seat. The jury acquitted Specyalski of manslaughter, sparing her a possible 25-year prison sentence.
7) In 1980, Lord Justice Ormrod, Lord Justice Dunn and Mr Justice Arnold ruled in the UK’s Court of Appeal that a wife from Basingstoke who rationed sex with her husband to once a week was behaving reasonably. Lord Hailsham later revealed that the ruling had provoked some newspapers to try to interview the wives of all the judges in the case.
1) In 2005, a Brazilian woman sued her partner for failing to give her orgasms. The 31-year old woman from Jundiai asserted in her case that her 38-year old partner routinely ended sexual intercourse after he reached an orgasm. After a promising start the action ended in something of an anticlimax for the claimant when her case was rejected.
2) In 2005, the Massachusetts Appeals Court was asked to rule on when a sexual technique was dangerous. Early one morning, a man and woman in a long-term relationship were engaged in consensual intercourse. During the passionate event, and, without the man’s consent, the woman suddenly manoeuvred herself in a way that caused him to suffer a penile fracture. Emergency surgery was required. The court ruled that while “reckless” sexual conduct may be actionable, “merely negligent” conduct was not. It dismissed the man’s case.
3) In 2007, a court in India was asked to decide whether a vibrating condom is a contraceptive or a sex toy. The condoms contain a battery-operated device, and, for the avoidance of doubt, are marketed as “Crezendo”. Opponents argue it’s a sex toy and thus unlawful in India, whereas the manufacturer says it’s a contraceptive and promotional of public health.
4) A Las Vegas law prohibiting strippers from fondling customers during lap dances was ruled by the Nevada Supreme Court in 2006 to be valid. The issue was whether the local law was unconstitutionally vague and therefore unenforceable. The law states that “no attendant or server shall fondle or caress any patron” with intent to arouse him. Lawyers discussed at length whether grinding (of dancers’ bottoms into men’s laps) amounted to a fondle or caress, and whether the brushing of breast into patrons’ faces was prohibited conduct. The local law was declared valid because the court thought enforcers would be able to know a fondle or caress if they saw one.
5) In 1964, the Exchequer Court of Canada was asked to decide whether the expenses of running a “call girl” business in Vancouver were deductible from gross income for the purposes of income tax. The madam and seven call girls were all convicted and imprisoned. And then taxed. Claims for tax deductions in respect of the ordinary parts of the business, such as phone bills, were allowed. Other types of expenses were disallowed because the business couldn’t prove them with receipts, including $2000 for liquor for local officials and $1000 paid to "certain men possessed of physical strength and some guile, which they exercised when set to extricate a girl from difficulties".
6) In May, 2004 in Connecticut, Heather Specyalski was charged with the homicide of Neil Esposito. He was thrown from a car that prosecutors said was being driven by Specyalski when it spun out of control and crashed. The defendant argued that she couldn’t have been driving because she was in the passenger seat performing oral sex on Esposito, whom she alleged was at the wheel. Esposito was found with his trousers down but prosecutors argue this could have been because he was “mooning” or urinating out of the car window while in the passenger seat. The jury acquitted Specyalski of manslaughter, sparing her a possible 25-year prison sentence.
7) In 1980, Lord Justice Ormrod, Lord Justice Dunn and Mr Justice Arnold ruled in the UK’s Court of Appeal that a wife from Basingstoke who rationed sex with her husband to once a week was behaving reasonably. Lord Hailsham later revealed that the ruling had provoked some newspapers to try to interview the wives of all the judges in the case.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Marriage
Now that I'm nearing my mid-twenties, it seems only inevitable that certain of my relatives will start to wonder:
a) why I'm still single after all of these years
b) Whether it would be a good idea to start introducing eligible girls into my three mile radius
'Oh look, you're so grown up now' said my granny last weekend. I think what she was saying was that my new mack style coat makes me look older than my years. Instead, she said 'I almost feel like it's time to find a girl'.
'Er, no' I said, in one of those perfectly practised flat tones which give off a sense of authority and empathy both in one.
'Oh no, no, I mean, we would never...I would never say anything to you about marriage' she continued.
'Hmm, can I have a packet of Hula hoops?' I asked, and made my way to the kitchen, quickly.
And why do parents and grandparents think it appropriate and perfectly acceptable to say things like
'If you get married, I'll at least get to see my grandchildren before I die!'
'You will give me chance to go to your wedding, won't you?'
'I want a grandchild!!'
It all seems bang out of order to me, all this exercise of parental power. Who do they think they are!?
a) why I'm still single after all of these years
b) Whether it would be a good idea to start introducing eligible girls into my three mile radius
'Oh look, you're so grown up now' said my granny last weekend. I think what she was saying was that my new mack style coat makes me look older than my years. Instead, she said 'I almost feel like it's time to find a girl'.
'Er, no' I said, in one of those perfectly practised flat tones which give off a sense of authority and empathy both in one.
'Oh no, no, I mean, we would never...I would never say anything to you about marriage' she continued.
'Hmm, can I have a packet of Hula hoops?' I asked, and made my way to the kitchen, quickly.
And why do parents and grandparents think it appropriate and perfectly acceptable to say things like
'If you get married, I'll at least get to see my grandchildren before I die!'
'You will give me chance to go to your wedding, won't you?'
'I want a grandchild!!'
It all seems bang out of order to me, all this exercise of parental power. Who do they think they are!?
Monday, November 05, 2007
Spurt (pun always intended)
1) Arriving into work this morning I recieved an email from Artesius:
'I like the blog! I think you managed to get everything in there… you missed out the Spanish girl who works in Zara. She is stunning!
How was your weekend?'
The list of women Artesius is seeing changes more rapidly than a tart's frilly knickers. Anyhow, now we all know - there is the addition of the Spanish girl at Zara to add to the list of Artesius's conquests.
2) On the way back from up north last night and on the train, when I recieved a text from Katerina:
'I'm at [The BoyF]'s house eating apple pie and custard. Had the best sex ever! What;s the point or the need for cheating when your BoyF fucks like him?! What was I thinking?'
I shall leave you to draw your own conclusions on this one.
'I like the blog! I think you managed to get everything in there… you missed out the Spanish girl who works in Zara. She is stunning!
How was your weekend?'
The list of women Artesius is seeing changes more rapidly than a tart's frilly knickers. Anyhow, now we all know - there is the addition of the Spanish girl at Zara to add to the list of Artesius's conquests.
2) On the way back from up north last night and on the train, when I recieved a text from Katerina:
'I'm at [The BoyF]'s house eating apple pie and custard. Had the best sex ever! What;s the point or the need for cheating when your BoyF fucks like him?! What was I thinking?'
I shall leave you to draw your own conclusions on this one.
Love's young dream
At home over the weekend. Lots of food and even more gossip with the family. Not a hint of sexual awareness.
Spoke to my cousin over a Samosa on Saturday.
She's 20 and has had the same BoyF for roughly four years.
In short, he's a sort of gangster who has, in the past, been wanted by the police for drugs and arson. Of course, telling a girl of that age that these qualities aren't the most desirable in a boyF can prove impossible. Death threats issued by her mother weren't enough to prevent the girl from pursuing this relationship.
And, all said and done, her mother felt secure in the knowledge that the boy would )in his position as Don/gangster and out right sociopath) take care (perhaps protect is a better word) of her daughter.
A few months back she confided in me that there had been some allegations flying around that the boy had cheated on her with another girl. My cousin, being the clever little devil she is, made friends with this other girl and they both went over to his house to confront him. Despite this, the boy weaseled his way out of any guilt, and the relationship, though slightly rocky, continued.
So, over the Samosa on Saturday evening, I asked her what the current situation was with the boy. To this, she shook her head and rolled her eyes.
'He's turned into a psycho' she said.
Well we've heard that before, I thought. Not only from her, but from many of my girlfriends. Men (or women) becoming psychopathic during the course of a relationship is no new phenomenon, let's be honest.
'He says that if I leave him, he'll kill himself (to which I rolled my eyes) He says we should work things out and give it more time. The thing is, I don't have any feelings for him anymore.'
Her mother will be pleased, I thought. Rid of the boy at long last.
'Is there anybody else?' I asked
'There might be'
'Do tell!' I ventured.
'He's Muslim!! and I already turned his friend down previously because he too was Muslim. If i got out with the new guy, it'll cause so many problems.'
'So what if he's Muslim? I asked,'so what if his friend also liked you. The world can get over it'.
I got the impression this last bit shocked her a little. ME, suggesting she date a Muslim. ME, suggesting she venture into uncharted territory and risk being massacred in the name of honour!
'But, he's not a 'proper' Muslim, she continued 'I mean, he eats pork and drinks alcohol'.
'Well, there you are then'.
Spoke to my cousin over a Samosa on Saturday.
She's 20 and has had the same BoyF for roughly four years.
In short, he's a sort of gangster who has, in the past, been wanted by the police for drugs and arson. Of course, telling a girl of that age that these qualities aren't the most desirable in a boyF can prove impossible. Death threats issued by her mother weren't enough to prevent the girl from pursuing this relationship.
And, all said and done, her mother felt secure in the knowledge that the boy would )in his position as Don/gangster and out right sociopath) take care (perhaps protect is a better word) of her daughter.
A few months back she confided in me that there had been some allegations flying around that the boy had cheated on her with another girl. My cousin, being the clever little devil she is, made friends with this other girl and they both went over to his house to confront him. Despite this, the boy weaseled his way out of any guilt, and the relationship, though slightly rocky, continued.
So, over the Samosa on Saturday evening, I asked her what the current situation was with the boy. To this, she shook her head and rolled her eyes.
'He's turned into a psycho' she said.
Well we've heard that before, I thought. Not only from her, but from many of my girlfriends. Men (or women) becoming psychopathic during the course of a relationship is no new phenomenon, let's be honest.
'He says that if I leave him, he'll kill himself (to which I rolled my eyes) He says we should work things out and give it more time. The thing is, I don't have any feelings for him anymore.'
Her mother will be pleased, I thought. Rid of the boy at long last.
'Is there anybody else?' I asked
'There might be'
'Do tell!' I ventured.
'He's Muslim!! and I already turned his friend down previously because he too was Muslim. If i got out with the new guy, it'll cause so many problems.'
'So what if he's Muslim? I asked,'so what if his friend also liked you. The world can get over it'.
I got the impression this last bit shocked her a little. ME, suggesting she date a Muslim. ME, suggesting she venture into uncharted territory and risk being massacred in the name of honour!
'But, he's not a 'proper' Muslim, she continued 'I mean, he eats pork and drinks alcohol'.
'Well, there you are then'.
Friday, November 02, 2007
The tale of the Merry-Go-Women
Artesius’s GirlF told him she feels he has the characteristics of a cheater.
On the other end of town, he met up with The Ex, yet again, and she declared love for him, yet again. This time she went further and suggested that she had always thought they would end up together. All very well, until she, like so many bunny boilers past and present, rummaged through his phone when he wasn’t looking. yurkiddinme!
On reading text messages from Artesuis’s GirlF (their relationship of which she has little idea), and The Stripper #1, The Ex pounced on him, declaring him a lying cheat who she unable to understand and could probably do without.
And then they parted ways, until later that night she text and call him frantically in an attempt to get him to go back to her place where, the weak female she is, she would have fucked him regardless.
Now, I’m all for having irons (Note: plural) in the fire. But occasionally, it seems only likely that Artesuis will get burned in the process of female-juggling.
At the same time as this (which is only natural), Stripper #1 has been texting and calling and the pair have been meeting and drinking, everything but fucking, although I’m sure it won’t take long.
‘She’s entering girlfriend territory’ said Artesuis over work email only the other day. I’m guessing by this he means she’s becoming territorial (and rightly so, now that he’s told her he’s single and just come out from a ‘long term thing’).
She’s probably seeing him more as a friend, slowly as a lover and perhaps this delusion is fuelled by the fact that they have yet to sleep with each other. We all know how girls like to think they’re ‘special’. That men will only sleep with them when there’s a real connection and understand that they aren’t as their profession might suggest, a ‘piece of meat’.
That reminds me, I love that turn of phrase ‘a piece of meat’. It reminds me of good wholesome food, delicious, pink, edible, perfect. Why so many people find the term derogatory is beyond me. I’d rather somebody treated me like a piece of meat as opposed to a sack of potatoes, or a can of soup.
So, back to Artesius. Stripper #1 trying to fit into the role of GirlF, The Ex bunny boiling as usual and trying hard to leave him/obtain him, and then The GirlF who, among other things, has suggested that they get the same phone. This, she suggested, would be a declaration of their true love. Sort of like couples with matching clothes. Super Cool.
Thankfully Artesius saw through this trap rather quickly. What the GirlF actually wanted
was to be able to ‘accidentally’ switch the phones around and rummage through his messages in the hope that she find some pictures of another woman’s fanny hidden in the files - What she didn’t realise was that, the last time she had access to his phone, if she had clicked a few other buttons and found that file, there would have been the evidence she required - pictures of Stripper #1’s fanny.
Also, the GirlF has decided to ‘let him stay in the flat alone for a month before she joins him’.
Yet another ploy in the game of relationship. Of course we all know that once she moves in, she’ll be parading up and down looking for any hair that are longer than hers, an condoms which haven’t been inside her, any sign of multiple glasses, or lipstick stains, or cum stains.
And of course, we assume she already has the keys for the flat. She might just turn up one day in the hope of finding Artesius with his pants down, Stripper #1 strutting her stuff down the banister (I’m assuming Artesius has a banister).
And last, but by no means least, we have Stripper #2, who, I believe, simply fancies him and who he is likely to remain in stripper territory, as far away from GirlF territory as possible.
Some boys have all the fun.
On the other end of town, he met up with The Ex, yet again, and she declared love for him, yet again. This time she went further and suggested that she had always thought they would end up together. All very well, until she, like so many bunny boilers past and present, rummaged through his phone when he wasn’t looking. yurkiddinme!
On reading text messages from Artesuis’s GirlF (their relationship of which she has little idea), and The Stripper #1, The Ex pounced on him, declaring him a lying cheat who she unable to understand and could probably do without.
And then they parted ways, until later that night she text and call him frantically in an attempt to get him to go back to her place where, the weak female she is, she would have fucked him regardless.
Now, I’m all for having irons (Note: plural) in the fire. But occasionally, it seems only likely that Artesuis will get burned in the process of female-juggling.
At the same time as this (which is only natural), Stripper #1 has been texting and calling and the pair have been meeting and drinking, everything but fucking, although I’m sure it won’t take long.
‘She’s entering girlfriend territory’ said Artesuis over work email only the other day. I’m guessing by this he means she’s becoming territorial (and rightly so, now that he’s told her he’s single and just come out from a ‘long term thing’).
She’s probably seeing him more as a friend, slowly as a lover and perhaps this delusion is fuelled by the fact that they have yet to sleep with each other. We all know how girls like to think they’re ‘special’. That men will only sleep with them when there’s a real connection and understand that they aren’t as their profession might suggest, a ‘piece of meat’.
That reminds me, I love that turn of phrase ‘a piece of meat’. It reminds me of good wholesome food, delicious, pink, edible, perfect. Why so many people find the term derogatory is beyond me. I’d rather somebody treated me like a piece of meat as opposed to a sack of potatoes, or a can of soup.
So, back to Artesius. Stripper #1 trying to fit into the role of GirlF, The Ex bunny boiling as usual and trying hard to leave him/obtain him, and then The GirlF who, among other things, has suggested that they get the same phone. This, she suggested, would be a declaration of their true love. Sort of like couples with matching clothes. Super Cool.
Thankfully Artesius saw through this trap rather quickly. What the GirlF actually wanted
was to be able to ‘accidentally’ switch the phones around and rummage through his messages in the hope that she find some pictures of another woman’s fanny hidden in the files - What she didn’t realise was that, the last time she had access to his phone, if she had clicked a few other buttons and found that file, there would have been the evidence she required - pictures of Stripper #1’s fanny.
Also, the GirlF has decided to ‘let him stay in the flat alone for a month before she joins him’.
Yet another ploy in the game of relationship. Of course we all know that once she moves in, she’ll be parading up and down looking for any hair that are longer than hers, an condoms which haven’t been inside her, any sign of multiple glasses, or lipstick stains, or cum stains.
And of course, we assume she already has the keys for the flat. She might just turn up one day in the hope of finding Artesius with his pants down, Stripper #1 strutting her stuff down the banister (I’m assuming Artesius has a banister).
And last, but by no means least, we have Stripper #2, who, I believe, simply fancies him and who he is likely to remain in stripper territory, as far away from GirlF territory as possible.
Some boys have all the fun.
Ruffled Feathers (continued)
An email from my friend in response to the last entry:
Friend - There is totally a difference between thought and action. If you've thought and haven’t acted, you’re to be commended because you've shown restraint, respect and strength. What rubbish, a cop-out in fact!
"If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about
them in ways which you shouldn't" - flirting doesn’t mean thinking about screwing them, it's just enjoying a few compliments, having a giggle - I don’t know how you flirt, but I wouldn’t go home and think of doing naughty things with/to the guy I flirted with, I'd go home and think 'woo! he thought I’m a hotty, he thought I’m a hotty!'
No I don’t think that if my boyfriend knew what was going on in my mind (even though it wouldn’t be the raunch and filth u are talking of) that he'd be pleased, but he would definitely feel better than if I did something with another guy and somewhere down the line he would be comforted that I chose not to do it.
My motivations whilst flirting:
Because you craved the attention? - yes.
Because the guy was fit? - yes.
Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? - yes.
See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your Boyf and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for - yes but
a) he wasn’t there and
b) getting attention and banter elsewhere is not tantamount to being intimate outside your relationship. you cant be married for a billion years and be satisfied with the banter and attention ONLY of your hubby, but you MUST be satisfied with the intimate and personal stuff only from him, otherwise split up.
The mere thought of somebody else will cross your mind, you have to be realistic - you are going to get bored/have tiffs/be apart and meet random people who might make you a bit hot under the collar but you can refrain from letting them make you tingle. by tingle I mean what (one of the men I fancy) does to me. Nobody else can do it. If that’s not the case anymore, then its all over baby.
You are right re. difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair but my home has been wrecked so I should know better than to put someone else through the same. I could say he'd do it to her with another home-wrecker anyway, but that is really a cop-out.
Excuse me I do think badly of myself, and of [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy], I just don’t have the self-control not to do it when I see him. This is especially because within the months in between I am barren. I am only comforted by the fact that it doesn’t mean anything so I could potentially say his GirlF need not worry. Obviously that is rubbish though, because you would worry, meaningful or not.
There aren't other girls - me and [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy] are really close and there is no reason to lie to me because I don’t care if I’m one of many of his mistresses - he tells me there aren’t any others and I believe him.
I don’t look down on Katerina but she isn’t doing the same thing. You said yourself, there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and the cheat. I’m single, I don’t owe anyone any loyalty, but even so I felt guilty re [the boy she actually loves] - who isn’t even my BoyF, whereas she's in a long-term relationship with someone she supposedly loves and doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt. I don’t think there’s any comparison there. Yes I’m doing something wrong, but it’s not at the same level. Saying that, I think 90% people cheat so I don’t actually look down on her (honestly) and the reason for that is that she doesn’t care about whoever she cheats with. If she was having a full-on affair with feelings and on the regular, I’d definitely look down on her because it’s like - just finish with the guy! Despite this whole debate, I am actually in the 'if its just physical it doesn’t count' camp. But I couldn’t do it to someone I love, that’s all I’m saying.
Friend - There is totally a difference between thought and action. If you've thought and haven’t acted, you’re to be commended because you've shown restraint, respect and strength. What rubbish, a cop-out in fact!
"If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about
them in ways which you shouldn't" - flirting doesn’t mean thinking about screwing them, it's just enjoying a few compliments, having a giggle - I don’t know how you flirt, but I wouldn’t go home and think of doing naughty things with/to the guy I flirted with, I'd go home and think 'woo! he thought I’m a hotty, he thought I’m a hotty!'
No I don’t think that if my boyfriend knew what was going on in my mind (even though it wouldn’t be the raunch and filth u are talking of) that he'd be pleased, but he would definitely feel better than if I did something with another guy and somewhere down the line he would be comforted that I chose not to do it.
My motivations whilst flirting:
Because you craved the attention? - yes.
Because the guy was fit? - yes.
Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? - yes.
See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your Boyf and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for - yes but
a) he wasn’t there and
b) getting attention and banter elsewhere is not tantamount to being intimate outside your relationship. you cant be married for a billion years and be satisfied with the banter and attention ONLY of your hubby, but you MUST be satisfied with the intimate and personal stuff only from him, otherwise split up.
The mere thought of somebody else will cross your mind, you have to be realistic - you are going to get bored/have tiffs/be apart and meet random people who might make you a bit hot under the collar but you can refrain from letting them make you tingle. by tingle I mean what (one of the men I fancy) does to me. Nobody else can do it. If that’s not the case anymore, then its all over baby.
You are right re. difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair but my home has been wrecked so I should know better than to put someone else through the same. I could say he'd do it to her with another home-wrecker anyway, but that is really a cop-out.
Excuse me I do think badly of myself, and of [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy], I just don’t have the self-control not to do it when I see him. This is especially because within the months in between I am barren. I am only comforted by the fact that it doesn’t mean anything so I could potentially say his GirlF need not worry. Obviously that is rubbish though, because you would worry, meaningful or not.
There aren't other girls - me and [the boy in the relationship who is her fuck buddy] are really close and there is no reason to lie to me because I don’t care if I’m one of many of his mistresses - he tells me there aren’t any others and I believe him.
I don’t look down on Katerina but she isn’t doing the same thing. You said yourself, there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and the cheat. I’m single, I don’t owe anyone any loyalty, but even so I felt guilty re [the boy she actually loves] - who isn’t even my BoyF, whereas she's in a long-term relationship with someone she supposedly loves and doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt. I don’t think there’s any comparison there. Yes I’m doing something wrong, but it’s not at the same level. Saying that, I think 90% people cheat so I don’t actually look down on her (honestly) and the reason for that is that she doesn’t care about whoever she cheats with. If she was having a full-on affair with feelings and on the regular, I’d definitely look down on her because it’s like - just finish with the guy! Despite this whole debate, I am actually in the 'if its just physical it doesn’t count' camp. But I couldn’t do it to someone I love, that’s all I’m saying.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
The Beginner's guide to Gay Sauna
Before you do anything, visit the Internet and search for Gay Saunas in London. Read reviews and carefully select one you feel would serve you best.
Step 1 - Enter, be confident in your sexual self. There is nothing desperate, dirty or odd about what you're doing. It's all just another experience, another rung on the ladder of sexual emancipation.
Step 2 - Pay at the door (prices normally vary between £10 and £15 depending on the range of facilities. Most importantly, don't forget to flash your NUS card if you have one as Sauna surfing can often cut into an otherwise tightly constrained student budget.
Step 3 - Now that you've paid, feel safe in the knowledge that you can stay there as long as you like. If you want to be one of those men who firmly believes £15 entitles him to a shag (solid law), be one, unashamedly.
Step 4 - Take the towel they will provide you with (two if you're lucky), your locker key and get undressed leaving everything in the locker but a towel (which should now be firmly around your waist) and the locker key. Do not walk around wearing boxers because the chances are that you will be the only one doing so and look a complete prude - yes you, who have gone to a sauna, only to keep your boxers on. If it is your first time, you may want to keep shorts on for fear of that stupendous erection that may arise, so to speak, without you willing it to. However, be warned, you will be the only one.
Step 5 - Explore. Take some time to familiarise yourself with the place you have paid £15 to gain admittance to. Take a look at everything, every room, every corridor, every sauna, steam room, everything. For, only through doing this, will you become aware of which areas you feel most suited to/comfortable in.
Step 6 - Now that you've found your area - sit down and relax. You are at a sauna, the purpose of which is to provide for relaxation. Even if you get laid, sex is just another form of relaxation/stress relief. Understand this, know this.
Most Saunas have a chill out are where there are TVs and Sofa's - porn magazines etc...for you to relax.
Most will have actual saunas and steam rooms for actual body-detoxing.
Some will have 'dark rooms' - in which there is very little light and in which people venture and try to find some cock without really caring what that cock may be attached to. Some people really like this sort of stuff. It's very adventurous and, in turn, very horny, very liberating.
Most saunas have small cubicles and rooms which you can go into if you find somebody you'd like to have some fun with.
Step 7 - The Process
Walk around the complex as and when you feel like it. Do it over and over again until you stumble across something that interests you. Gay Saunas in general have a good turnover of men and action and the time you spent sitting in the spa might better have been spent partaking in the orgy that took place in the steam room. Things happen quickly and stop just as quickly. You have to be on the ball, so to speak. Nobody is there to judge you, they are there to see if they like you, and if they do, to see if they can fuck you.
Step 8 - The Signs
Men are fairly straight forward in these situations. If they like you they will
a) try and catch your eye and smile or
b) try to run their hand over your cock or up your thigh.
If you don't like them just be polite and say no or remove their hand. Conversely, if you like them, you might consider doing the same. Be prepared for rejection as everybody has to suffer it. That stud you would love to suck off just might not be in Latinos. Deal with it. Move on. Suffering heartbreak and nursing a heartbreak are better done at home with the tele on and X Factor playing in the background, NOT in a sauna.
If you keep someone's gaze for more than five seconds the chances are you're on. You two can then find a room and do whatever is it you're comfortable with.
Sex can happen anywhere...in the sauna, steam room, lounge, pool (if they have one) anywhere. You have to be prepared to be faced with orgies potentially anywhere.
Once inside the room, most guys don't fuck and instead prefer to do some sucking and wanking. Sometimes you might like to be fucked and they might want to give it to you, in which case you can go from there. At any point, it's fine to say no. It's fine to leave.
Step 9 - Use protection
Lube, condoms, all of these things are available in their masses at Saunas, so use them. The last thing you want is to catch a disease which'll leave your bell end oozing creamy substances for weeks on end (just to confirm that was pus I was talking about and nothing else).
Some guys enjoy bareback sex, but if you do, be prepared for the worst.
Note: The thing i find most annoying is that people who attend saunas don't talk. They tend to move around and look, cruise, grunt, smile, anything but talk. This is something that bugs me, after all, once somebody opens their mouth, they can, all of a sudden become so much more enticing.
Step 10 - The Code
Sometimes you will find guys sitting alone in rooms -
a) if they are lying on their stomach, its an indication that they want to be fucked.
b) if they are standing, anything will go, or perhaps just some sucking and wanking
c) if there are two people having sex with the door ajar, you can either go in and watch or partake - people will always make it clear what they're after.
Step 11 - Remember
You are biting the bullet/taking the plunge, so why not do it whole heartedly? Enjoy whatever the experience has to offer, if anything, and try and make the most out of it. You are now firmly embedded in the sexual undergrowth of London. Welcome.
Step 1 - Enter, be confident in your sexual self. There is nothing desperate, dirty or odd about what you're doing. It's all just another experience, another rung on the ladder of sexual emancipation.
Step 2 - Pay at the door (prices normally vary between £10 and £15 depending on the range of facilities. Most importantly, don't forget to flash your NUS card if you have one as Sauna surfing can often cut into an otherwise tightly constrained student budget.
Step 3 - Now that you've paid, feel safe in the knowledge that you can stay there as long as you like. If you want to be one of those men who firmly believes £15 entitles him to a shag (solid law), be one, unashamedly.
Step 4 - Take the towel they will provide you with (two if you're lucky), your locker key and get undressed leaving everything in the locker but a towel (which should now be firmly around your waist) and the locker key. Do not walk around wearing boxers because the chances are that you will be the only one doing so and look a complete prude - yes you, who have gone to a sauna, only to keep your boxers on. If it is your first time, you may want to keep shorts on for fear of that stupendous erection that may arise, so to speak, without you willing it to. However, be warned, you will be the only one.
Step 5 - Explore. Take some time to familiarise yourself with the place you have paid £15 to gain admittance to. Take a look at everything, every room, every corridor, every sauna, steam room, everything. For, only through doing this, will you become aware of which areas you feel most suited to/comfortable in.
Step 6 - Now that you've found your area - sit down and relax. You are at a sauna, the purpose of which is to provide for relaxation. Even if you get laid, sex is just another form of relaxation/stress relief. Understand this, know this.
Most Saunas have a chill out are where there are TVs and Sofa's - porn magazines etc...for you to relax.
Most will have actual saunas and steam rooms for actual body-detoxing.
Some will have 'dark rooms' - in which there is very little light and in which people venture and try to find some cock without really caring what that cock may be attached to. Some people really like this sort of stuff. It's very adventurous and, in turn, very horny, very liberating.
Most saunas have small cubicles and rooms which you can go into if you find somebody you'd like to have some fun with.
Step 7 - The Process
Walk around the complex as and when you feel like it. Do it over and over again until you stumble across something that interests you. Gay Saunas in general have a good turnover of men and action and the time you spent sitting in the spa might better have been spent partaking in the orgy that took place in the steam room. Things happen quickly and stop just as quickly. You have to be on the ball, so to speak. Nobody is there to judge you, they are there to see if they like you, and if they do, to see if they can fuck you.
Step 8 - The Signs
Men are fairly straight forward in these situations. If they like you they will
a) try and catch your eye and smile or
b) try to run their hand over your cock or up your thigh.
If you don't like them just be polite and say no or remove their hand. Conversely, if you like them, you might consider doing the same. Be prepared for rejection as everybody has to suffer it. That stud you would love to suck off just might not be in Latinos. Deal with it. Move on. Suffering heartbreak and nursing a heartbreak are better done at home with the tele on and X Factor playing in the background, NOT in a sauna.
If you keep someone's gaze for more than five seconds the chances are you're on. You two can then find a room and do whatever is it you're comfortable with.
Sex can happen anywhere...in the sauna, steam room, lounge, pool (if they have one) anywhere. You have to be prepared to be faced with orgies potentially anywhere.
Once inside the room, most guys don't fuck and instead prefer to do some sucking and wanking. Sometimes you might like to be fucked and they might want to give it to you, in which case you can go from there. At any point, it's fine to say no. It's fine to leave.
Step 9 - Use protection
Lube, condoms, all of these things are available in their masses at Saunas, so use them. The last thing you want is to catch a disease which'll leave your bell end oozing creamy substances for weeks on end (just to confirm that was pus I was talking about and nothing else).
Some guys enjoy bareback sex, but if you do, be prepared for the worst.
Note: The thing i find most annoying is that people who attend saunas don't talk. They tend to move around and look, cruise, grunt, smile, anything but talk. This is something that bugs me, after all, once somebody opens their mouth, they can, all of a sudden become so much more enticing.
Step 10 - The Code
Sometimes you will find guys sitting alone in rooms -
a) if they are lying on their stomach, its an indication that they want to be fucked.
b) if they are standing, anything will go, or perhaps just some sucking and wanking
c) if there are two people having sex with the door ajar, you can either go in and watch or partake - people will always make it clear what they're after.
Step 11 - Remember
You are biting the bullet/taking the plunge, so why not do it whole heartedly? Enjoy whatever the experience has to offer, if anything, and try and make the most out of it. You are now firmly embedded in the sexual undergrowth of London. Welcome.
Ruffled feathers
A friend of mine emailed me at work. What you have below is the discourse that followed. It’s true, Katerina has ruffled a few feathers, let’s make no excuses about it.
Friend - ‘I wanted to know if Katerina ended up single after all?’
Me - ‘Katerina hasn't ended up single, although I wish she would. The BoyF was at the flat again last night. She seems to find it increasingly difficult to uphold the dumping. And we both know she could do better.’
Friend - ‘Does Katerina's BoyF have any idea she plays him like a tambourine? ;-) Would he go ballistic? Does he love her? Does she love him? Is he fit? Is he Indian? How long they been together? Is he cool?’
Me - ‘Katerina's BoyF doesn't realise her full market value.
We all know how guys cling to her in a club. Even guys who've seen her all over another man go out of their way to tell her how much they like her.
She has a power in this respect that the BoyF knows very little about because
a) He doesn't ever go out clubbing or barring with her and prefers for them to stay at his flat all day long, marinating in the juices of their relationship/ in the insular bubble that is their relationship.
b) He finds it difficult to believe that such a power even exists. Perhaps because he hasn’t had any first hand experience of it.
When she tries to explain to him the fact that so many men show interest in her, he says things like:
'I know lots of pretty girls, but none of them get all that attention. You must be putting it out there, maybe its you who is attracting this attention on purpose.’
Now, Katerina will happily go into a club and stand in a corner all night and maybe dance a little, but what you must realise is that it is never she who goes out to procure a guy, it's always the men who come to her, every time. And I say this from experience.
What thrills her is the excitement of it all, and because she knows full well that she doesn't have any guilt about doing it. She does what she likes with whomever she likes because she is selfish and unapologetically so. In this respect, I'm quite similar to her.
When you've been with someone for 3 years, of course you love them. She does love him but she hates the fact that his insecurities mean that he'll never trust her (before that time, she'd never ‘behaved so badly’) - he has to realise that she will have guys wanting to chatting her up until the end of time and unless he can deal with it without blaming her or making it out to be her fault, there can be no relationship.
It seems a shame, because it was this very quality about Katerina that must have first attracted the BoyF to her. Now, that very quality is tearing them apart.
The relationship has to end because Katerina wants other thrills in her life and she has had to mellow herself considerably to be with the BoyF.
The BoyF is too possessive and controlling and doesn't trust her the way he should (bare in mind, he has little idea as to what Katerina has been up to).
Katerina wants somebody who is on the same wavelength as she is, who is fully willing to see men trying to pull her, but who has the confidence to say, ‘Whatever!, she's mine - you can try all you like.’’
Friend - 'Believe it or not, I got attention from all corners when I had a BoyF (I still get some but I am older and bigger so perhaps less so) and he knew my market value and was jealous (which I loved) and he knew I wouldn’t cheat (which I was proud of) but still didn’t like it or me wearing revealing clothes etc - I was like WHATEVER, u trust me so what’s your beef. He was like ‘I don’t trust men though’ - so what, it takes two to tango does it not? Now I know he was jealous because he's a cheating bastard and they’re all like that, hypocrites.
Note: Katerina’s BoyF says exactly the same thing - ‘it’s not you I distrust, it’s men in general.
Not only do I think this is a large piece of bullshit, I think that if he trusted her, other untrustworthy men simply wouldn’t matter. Both the friend and Katerina have the ability to kick, shout, punch and say no.
Friend (continued) I NEVER went beyond flirting, I ALWAYS said ‘I have a BoyF’ - so I had every right to expect him to know my value and deal with it but Katerina doesn’t, because she acts on the attention! That’s not fair, is it? or are you saying if he accepted it but was secure, she wouldn’t cheat?
I can’t believe a girl can be with somebody for 3 yrs, cheating, and he doesn’t know! that is genius (albeit bad), I would never be able to hide it!
Unapologetically selfish. Well then nothing anyone says can tame you, I wish I were unapologetic. If someone had a go at me [in relation to the boy I’m currently sleeping with who is also in a relationship]/homewrecking I would CRY! and stop! Luckily nobody has the guts to because I am hard. Although my cousins disapprove immensely so I no longer tell them about it. Maybe I am unapologetically selfish then. I continue to do it but don’t tell people about it. Woohoo I am! But I couldn’t cheat on someone, especially not somebody I love, what the fuck is the point? I reckon if I was with somebody and I saw [ either of the men I currently fancy a great deal] I could lose myself, but I have vowed never to put myself in that position. A cheat is something I definitely don’t want to become.
Don’t hurl stones at me, I have a feeling this will have ruffled your feathers!’
Me: - ‘Okay
what you have to understand is this. The root of what Katerina and I believe is that, when it comes to relationships, there is no difference between thought and action. This is something that many people disagree with us on, you being one of those.
If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about them in ways which you shouldn't, we believe that you may as well have done whatever it is you were thinking about and that, fundamentally, a wrong has been done. You see, in your mind, there are no barriers. Physically, you can control your body, what it does etc, but emotionally, you can't control what your mind desires and you could do whatever you wanted with some other guy in your mind. Do you think that if your boyfriend knew what was going on in your mind that he'd be pleased, or feel any better about it?
You said that you never went beyond flirting, but I'm asking you to consider your motivation whilst you were flirting. Because you craved the attention? Because the guy was fit? Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your BoyF and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for.
There was a time, and I remember this very clearly, when Katerina said of her BoyF that he was enough for her. she said that no other man was even close to turning her on and that she was the happiest she could have been.
See, what I believe is that if you are in a relationship, the mere thought of somebody else shouldn't really even cross your mind. Simply because no other guy interests you or should interest you. Because you have everything you desire. The moment something else seeps in, it becomes dangerous and the relationship begins to crumble.
Re ; you and [the home-wrecking boy]. I think there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair. Home-wrecking takes the burden off you because you allow yourself to think, and rightly so, that the relationship can't have been that good anyway, if he's willing to sleep with you time and time again. And note, you don't think badly of yourself or of him for doing what you do because if you honestly did, you'd stop it.
In this respect, physically speaking, you have come between him and his GirlF, however, I'm sure there are other girls too. At the end of the day, you might argue, he and you have a physical relationship and are not in love the way he may be with his Girlf, in which case, how can you look down on Katerina for doing the same thing? She was with a guy whose name she didn't know, who she will never see again, who didn't even interest her. It was the idea of what doing that would feel like, that spurred her on. What I'm saying is that it was only physical whatever happened between them.
I think it unrealistic to assume that one person can offer you everything you desire for a long period of time. And if this is true, then there is no choice but to have other fun, because fundamentally we are selfish human beings who care only for ourselves. Yes, sometimes we have a conscience, but if we keep breaking the pattern of monogamy time and again, then what's the point of that conscience?
Why Katerina does what she does and why I guess I do whatever I do is because we want a complete world where we can have everything. Emotional security, good sex, good everything. And life is so short. All we have are these years. If we don't make the most of them, then what will we have left?’
Friend - ‘I wanted to know if Katerina ended up single after all?’
Me - ‘Katerina hasn't ended up single, although I wish she would. The BoyF was at the flat again last night. She seems to find it increasingly difficult to uphold the dumping. And we both know she could do better.’
Friend - ‘Does Katerina's BoyF have any idea she plays him like a tambourine? ;-) Would he go ballistic? Does he love her? Does she love him? Is he fit? Is he Indian? How long they been together? Is he cool?’
Me - ‘Katerina's BoyF doesn't realise her full market value.
We all know how guys cling to her in a club. Even guys who've seen her all over another man go out of their way to tell her how much they like her.
She has a power in this respect that the BoyF knows very little about because
a) He doesn't ever go out clubbing or barring with her and prefers for them to stay at his flat all day long, marinating in the juices of their relationship/ in the insular bubble that is their relationship.
b) He finds it difficult to believe that such a power even exists. Perhaps because he hasn’t had any first hand experience of it.
When she tries to explain to him the fact that so many men show interest in her, he says things like:
'I know lots of pretty girls, but none of them get all that attention. You must be putting it out there, maybe its you who is attracting this attention on purpose.’
Now, Katerina will happily go into a club and stand in a corner all night and maybe dance a little, but what you must realise is that it is never she who goes out to procure a guy, it's always the men who come to her, every time. And I say this from experience.
What thrills her is the excitement of it all, and because she knows full well that she doesn't have any guilt about doing it. She does what she likes with whomever she likes because she is selfish and unapologetically so. In this respect, I'm quite similar to her.
When you've been with someone for 3 years, of course you love them. She does love him but she hates the fact that his insecurities mean that he'll never trust her (before that time, she'd never ‘behaved so badly’) - he has to realise that she will have guys wanting to chatting her up until the end of time and unless he can deal with it without blaming her or making it out to be her fault, there can be no relationship.
It seems a shame, because it was this very quality about Katerina that must have first attracted the BoyF to her. Now, that very quality is tearing them apart.
The relationship has to end because Katerina wants other thrills in her life and she has had to mellow herself considerably to be with the BoyF.
The BoyF is too possessive and controlling and doesn't trust her the way he should (bare in mind, he has little idea as to what Katerina has been up to).
Katerina wants somebody who is on the same wavelength as she is, who is fully willing to see men trying to pull her, but who has the confidence to say, ‘Whatever!, she's mine - you can try all you like.’’
Friend - 'Believe it or not, I got attention from all corners when I had a BoyF (I still get some but I am older and bigger so perhaps less so) and he knew my market value and was jealous (which I loved) and he knew I wouldn’t cheat (which I was proud of) but still didn’t like it or me wearing revealing clothes etc - I was like WHATEVER, u trust me so what’s your beef. He was like ‘I don’t trust men though’ - so what, it takes two to tango does it not? Now I know he was jealous because he's a cheating bastard and they’re all like that, hypocrites.
Note: Katerina’s BoyF says exactly the same thing - ‘it’s not you I distrust, it’s men in general.
Not only do I think this is a large piece of bullshit, I think that if he trusted her, other untrustworthy men simply wouldn’t matter. Both the friend and Katerina have the ability to kick, shout, punch and say no.
Friend (continued) I NEVER went beyond flirting, I ALWAYS said ‘I have a BoyF’ - so I had every right to expect him to know my value and deal with it but Katerina doesn’t, because she acts on the attention! That’s not fair, is it? or are you saying if he accepted it but was secure, she wouldn’t cheat?
I can’t believe a girl can be with somebody for 3 yrs, cheating, and he doesn’t know! that is genius (albeit bad), I would never be able to hide it!
Unapologetically selfish. Well then nothing anyone says can tame you, I wish I were unapologetic. If someone had a go at me [in relation to the boy I’m currently sleeping with who is also in a relationship]/homewrecking I would CRY! and stop! Luckily nobody has the guts to because I am hard. Although my cousins disapprove immensely so I no longer tell them about it. Maybe I am unapologetically selfish then. I continue to do it but don’t tell people about it. Woohoo I am! But I couldn’t cheat on someone, especially not somebody I love, what the fuck is the point? I reckon if I was with somebody and I saw [ either of the men I currently fancy a great deal] I could lose myself, but I have vowed never to put myself in that position. A cheat is something I definitely don’t want to become.
Don’t hurl stones at me, I have a feeling this will have ruffled your feathers!’
Me: - ‘Okay
what you have to understand is this. The root of what Katerina and I believe is that, when it comes to relationships, there is no difference between thought and action. This is something that many people disagree with us on, you being one of those.
If you are in a relationship and you flirt with other guys or think about them in ways which you shouldn't, we believe that you may as well have done whatever it is you were thinking about and that, fundamentally, a wrong has been done. You see, in your mind, there are no barriers. Physically, you can control your body, what it does etc, but emotionally, you can't control what your mind desires and you could do whatever you wanted with some other guy in your mind. Do you think that if your boyfriend knew what was going on in your mind that he'd be pleased, or feel any better about it?
You said that you never went beyond flirting, but I'm asking you to consider your motivation whilst you were flirting. Because you craved the attention? Because the guy was fit? Because you wanted to have a bit of banter? See, all of these things are what you should be doing with your BoyF and what you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for.
There was a time, and I remember this very clearly, when Katerina said of her BoyF that he was enough for her. she said that no other man was even close to turning her on and that she was the happiest she could have been.
See, what I believe is that if you are in a relationship, the mere thought of somebody else shouldn't really even cross your mind. Simply because no other guy interests you or should interest you. Because you have everything you desire. The moment something else seeps in, it becomes dangerous and the relationship begins to crumble.
Re ; you and [the home-wrecking boy]. I think there is a difference between being the home-wrecker and having an affair. Home-wrecking takes the burden off you because you allow yourself to think, and rightly so, that the relationship can't have been that good anyway, if he's willing to sleep with you time and time again. And note, you don't think badly of yourself or of him for doing what you do because if you honestly did, you'd stop it.
In this respect, physically speaking, you have come between him and his GirlF, however, I'm sure there are other girls too. At the end of the day, you might argue, he and you have a physical relationship and are not in love the way he may be with his Girlf, in which case, how can you look down on Katerina for doing the same thing? She was with a guy whose name she didn't know, who she will never see again, who didn't even interest her. It was the idea of what doing that would feel like, that spurred her on. What I'm saying is that it was only physical whatever happened between them.
I think it unrealistic to assume that one person can offer you everything you desire for a long period of time. And if this is true, then there is no choice but to have other fun, because fundamentally we are selfish human beings who care only for ourselves. Yes, sometimes we have a conscience, but if we keep breaking the pattern of monogamy time and again, then what's the point of that conscience?
Why Katerina does what she does and why I guess I do whatever I do is because we want a complete world where we can have everything. Emotional security, good sex, good everything. And life is so short. All we have are these years. If we don't make the most of them, then what will we have left?’
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