Points

I was snubbed by the lady who sits behind checkout No. 4 in the Sainsburys near where I live. The reason for her dismissal-cum-disapproval ? Not possessing a Nectar Card.

She wasn’t seething malice or anything. She simply gave me one of those what’s-the-point-of-not-having one-when-everyone-in-the-universe-does? The fact that I haven’t a nectar to my name means that I can be dismissed without so much as a smile. And, there was none of this ’Would you like to apply for one?’ either. She made her mind up far far too quickly about me.

Mental note: MUST apply for Nectar Card and return to Checkout 4 where I will use it first. The reason I don’t have one is because I’ve always used my mother’s. And now that I’m living alone I saw little point in obtaining one myself. But it’s true, they save you money and free shopping once every few months is something we could all do with.

Whilst I was off travelling I collected frequent flier miles. A very good initiative and now I can fly for free to certain places. Double points on four Muller fruit corners never rocked my boat in quite the same way, not to say that they aren’t delicious. And then there remains that lifelong mystery: can you buy that yoghurt without the fruit on the side?

Reverting back to the points issue, why oh why hasn’t anybody thought up frequent fucker miles yet? It would seem a logical conclusion to draw. Provide ten good orgasms and have the eleventh one on us. Oral sex (double points this week), rimming and inserting fingers up the bottom are triple!, normal sex is pointed according to the number of deep exhalations which occur from start to finish. Who knows, some of us might obtain a free orgasm (without having to provide one ourselves) after just five good humps. This would be both an incentive to lead wholesome sex lives and keep those of us who are good at it getting more and more. If there’s one thing sex doesn’t like, it’s complacency. ‘Okay, so you knew how to make me come three weeks ago, but my vagina has developed. It requires more now.’

So, perhaps this is something I should initiate. Frequent fucker miles. Apply online. Buy heart monitoring equipment. And when you’re done, swipe away. Now, the best thing about this idea is that both boys and girls have their very own swipe machines. Mental note: always keep a spare wet wipe just in case..you know.

And as for added extras. Lubricant and condoms (double points). Dildos and Strap-ons - 2000 miles. You should note, miles refers to how close to heaven you’re likely to get at the end of all this. I only wish there were points available for willingness to try and levels of passion. A commercial objective for the future I suppose.