How to be a merry virgin Part 3

Don't go on holidays with couples. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to your virginity.

The moment you step on that plane (or cruise ship), you can bid farewell to the strong fierce hungry virgin and say hello to the weak fragile victim of fate that everybody had you down for all along.

The thing about being a gooseberry is that you never quite lose that sour taste. And also, friends who'll invite you on their holiday for two (plus one), will expect you to be the 'negotiator' when things go horribly wrong and they piss each other off. Virgins shouldn't have to put themselves in the cross fire of love. In a battlefield, it's always the bit in the middle that has to bare the grunt of fury. Any virgin who does this willingly deserves to be burnt.

And let's say you do. You go on holiday. Don't follow them. Make sure you have a clear idea of the things you'd like to do on your own. Make sure you insist on doing something that neither partner will have an interest in. The best thing about being a virginity is the level of self appreciation you can treat yourself with. It's nice to linger, the way virgins do, in the midnight air where nobody can see them.

If ever the opportunity arises to lose your virginity on the holiday, ask yourself whether you are doing it for purposes of conformity, to fit in. If so, slap yourself hard and ban yourself from looking at porn for an entire week. Or you could simply go with the flow and lose it in a place where nobody even knows your name. Doing it in style, with class and sheen, is the biggest loophole to the virginity-burden model of development. Losing your virginity and having an exotic story to tell afterwards is perfect.

Of course, the worst thing about being a gooseberry on holiday is that people always expect souvenirs from a virgin. And yes those keyrings with ' I love Madrid' on them really are horrid. Though, if you buy them something awful, they'll never ask again. And all that money can be spent on a glossy purple dildo with inbuilt spunking device. After all, the virgin will always have time to buy souvenirs for the world and his wife. And the couple never will. Sigh.