Closure

Have just returned from a drink with the docu-lady and her assistant. Such nice people. If only losing my virginity was as easy as talking with them. I think we’ve decided that the documentary really wasn’t for me. That sometimes in life, even once we’ve opened wide and spread our legs over the world, there are still some things which remain hard to bare.

Talking about sex, the way wise people do (The wise virgin. Chuckle.), is such an exhilarating experience. It’s better to discuss rampant sexual awakening with a group of people as opposed to one horny beggar. The ideas seem to bounce in the air and not once do they hit the floor, deflated. After all, this is what fucking boils down to. Trying to lose touch with reality. Grappling the airs of lust so that you can stay there for as long as possible. Or until the last tube train leaves the station.

Bets will now be placed in docu-lady’s office. Will I lose the v-badge to a woman, or to a man. Although I can’t help but wonder that docu-lady has already made up her mind. I asked her If I could place a bet too. She said that would be insider dealing. Who exactly would I be ‘dealing’ with?

One of the highlights of the evening had to be our conclusion that every human being has inside their little being a homosexual tendency or five. That, for men, every hole, even their own, needs a good filling. And that women sometimes just want to unplug their sockets and nurture the fleshy nerve endings that stick out at the opening of their crater. That some people, in moments of utter freedom, see somebody of their same sex as potential as opposed to repulsion. The open mind is perhaps the most important thing in this world.

Docu-lady and her male assistant - I hope to see you soon, and if you’d like to come to Erotica 2006 (which I have no doubts you’ll enjoy), don’t hesitate to get in touch. And yes, docu-lady, the show itself is not erotic. What It aims to do is facilitate eroticism. You but a pvc cat suit and pink revolving dildo. And you go home and use it. Only then does it become erotic. I suppose they could have called it ‘become a fully equipped slag 2006’ but then they wouldn’t have as many advertisement boards on the underground and not so many people would attend, apart from us of course.

Moving on…

How long must one wait before one inserts a finger up his girlfriends bottom? If you ask me, the first sexual encounter is your best opportunity. She may decide that she’s washing her hair for all of eternity, or she may just clamp her muscles and take you in that little bit further.

And now to the A-hole.

‘I’d love to fuck a girl up the arse’ came a friend’s (past, though not for this reason) comment, one summer evening.
‘Well, why don’t you?’ came my response.
‘Well it’s taboo isn’t it?’
‘Is it? We’re talking about it aren’t we? Surely it’s just another hole.’

Now, I’ve never thought of anal sex as taboo. Simply another hole to fill. Of course, it’s only common courtesy to ask the prodee whether you as the prodder can have a go. Of course, you know it’ll hurt. And you know that if you were taken from behind, you’d be feeling torn (and we’re not talking emotionally) for the duration. When we train our bottoms to hold things inside from a very early age, the skin, unsurprisingly, doesn’t like to yield to our desires. In fact, it’ll scream, and you’ll know it.

Now, more men than not (and I’m positive of this) have had something up their bottoms, and most of them have quite enjoyed it. Once bendy boys get over the notion that having something inside you is fun as opposed to queer, it can actually be one of the best things in the world. Right up there with a tub of Haagen Daaz Raspberry sorbet. A lady I met some time ago described it as finding yourself. You only know yourself once somebody has taken you from behind and you’ve controlled your urge to piss as they hump you like a rabbit. And as for men who are too scared to ask. Ugh. When it comes to fucking, nothing ventured nothing gained. Tit for tat. I come, you come, we all come.

M informed me once of how best to prepare your bottom for that initiation ceremony. A good cleaning, a thorough prodding and, perhaps most importantly, a deep relaxation of the muscles is all that’s required. How else could I put it? If Henry wants to come inside, but Dorothy keeps pushing the door, Henry might just push harder and unhinge the blasted thing. Now, who’ll pay for damage?

See, it’s not all shit (Ha). Honestly.