Food

Text from Ophelia last week:

‘ thought you might like to know a colleague of mine @ lunch said to me u look like you’re making love to that pizza rather than eating it!’

Ophelia, you’ve been paid a compliment (in my view). Embrace it and keep seducing food the way you do. You are the only person I know apart from myself who can make food look sexy. We are a couple of food fucking foodies, and proud. Oh, and let’s not forget Ms Lawson herself, the Queen Seductress Of Gastronomy.

The ability to seduce food and eat a pizza the way you do is a skill let’s not forget. The true enjoyment of food comes with the ability to eat it whenever you like, which ever way you like. How many of us have taken a sandwich home (one that’s full of saucy substances) and eaten it without shame of the world once inside the four walls of your abode. Yes, me too. Eating like nobody is watching is an emancipating experience let’s not forget.

Further Ophelia poses the question:

‘Can food be seductive?’

Yes. Yes.! And sometimes, even if you’re eating something controversial, you can make it look sexy and highly appetising. But this doesn’t come naturally. Sonia form Eastenders doesn’t have the ability to make sucking an oyster look sexy, let alone anything else. You’ve got it Ophelia!

Good food coupled with good sex is perhaps all that my life requires for now. The sex bit is somewhat a figment of my imagination, although rather a striking figment it is, I assure you.

Whilst on the subject of food, Arthur is rather problematic in this department. Texture is a problem for Arthur. Raw fish is out of the question. And so are peas and grapes. Chicken breast and steak are the only things I can imagine him enjoying. Of course, it’s always nice getting stuck into a piece of well cooked meat. It’s just that sometimes in life, dipping your face in a plate of raw salmon hit’s the spot. My spot. In order to be an accomplished foodie, you need to embrace diversity. I can’t see any other way around it.

And now, to the sex:

Perhaps the colleague, whilst making his observation, was wishing that Ophelia was in fact seducing him/her. The sight of a mouth in motion and a wet tongue is often enough to drive the sexually deprived insane. And as he/she watched you seduce your slice I’m sure s/he couldn’t help but wonder how good you were in bed. Whether, in fact, you’re tongue moved quite as seductively over genitals as it did over the slice. Whether in fact, your lovers had similar degrees of fortune. Let’s just say I’m sure Ophelia probably knows how to apply to Pizza Principle in real life in-between-the-sheets situations.

Bon apetit.