Gay Friends

An inkling that you might be gay, or partially gay, and every ‘straight’ woman begins to suck on you like a leach. I can’t help but smile.

Why is it that straight women want gay friends? Or, ‘a gay friend’. Hands up gay men who’ve heard a straight woman wail ‘You can be my gay friend’. Just the way that dress she owns is ‘my little black dress’. Every woman wants one. Very few women actually have one.

When the ‘gay’ comes before the ‘friend’, the milk begins to bubble over (no, not that milk).

So, what exactly are the qualities of a ‘gay friend’ (you straight girls might like to help me out, because I’m having difficulty with this one):

Somebody who you can talk about sex with openly. You can say cunt and even cock(!) and they won’t be shocked or think you’re trying to hit on them. Okay, so the second part, maybe. But the first part – it may surprise some girls that a few gay guys are actually quite uptight and prudish about matters of the A. Yes, they are.
Somebody you can watch ‘sexually explicit’ films with at the cinema (by sexually explicit, I mean naked bodies and a bit of the odd hump hump on screen).
A fellow gossip/confident. You can bitch away about your female and male friends and he is likely to remain un-phased. He might even join in on the little cat venture. Some guy gays find this judgement quite baffling. Gay men aren’t all bitches. Some don’t have a bitchy bone in their body (note: bone, not boner).
Somebody you can go dancing with without feeling as though every man wants to push his finger deep onto your clitoris? Hmm. Sorry girls, every straight doesn’t fancy you. A select few might try and get their fingers in and those few might also be a little off their trolley.

And I won’t even begin to talk about the straight girl’s need to get all camp and queeny whilst chatting to her supposedly gay friend. Germaine Greer one minute, Dale Winton the next as soon as her friend comes along. Wrists are flying and voices are rising. Sigh.

Will straight women ever realise: gay guys are just as much competition if not more so than your female counterparts. Every guy you fancy, they’ve probably assessed their levels of fuckabilty twice over already. Gay guys are quick on the sexual rampage.

Straight girls feel judged by straight men. This is what it boils down to. Of course, gay men can be just as judgemental. Take out the sexuality and we are all the same really aren’t we? Yes, straight men don’t really know which shoes Mariah Carey wore to the MTV awards (no, neither do I).

What fun it would be if the gay friend wasn’t actually ‘gay’!