Virginity defined

As I spoke with docu-lady, an issue we came across was the definition of virginity. After all, we can’t have the docu-lady making a documentary about virgins only to discover that her subjects were actually whore all along. I know she’ll appreciate my help on this matter. The dreadful term really is impossible to define. Of course this is precisely the reason I’d like to attempt some sort of definition.

Let’s start with the OED definition:

Virgin n. a person (esp. a woman) who has never had sexual intercourse.

So a man who hasn’t had sexual intercourse might fall under some other definition? Perhaps weirdo?

Step two – define sexual intercourse;

Sexual intercourse n. copulation, insertion of the penis into the virgin.

Step three – define copulation

Copulate v. have sexual intercourse. Copulation.

There we are, trapped in the humping cycle. Didn’t take long did it?

So we have a whole heap (and believe me there are heaps and heaps of them) of gay folk who remain virgins (unless of course they’ve had a rumble (actually, more than a rumble) with somebody of the opposite sex.

Desdemona thinks I’ll lose it once I’ve actually fucked somebody. To be clear, I have to put my x inside somebody. I have to be active. Doing is crucial to her definition. Of course, this definition comes from a straight female who must conversely believe that to have it put inside you (if you’re a woman) would amount to the same thing. Because women don’t own natural intrusive devices (At least not that I’m aware).

The TV exec says, “I always thought it was unless you'd been fucked.” So here we have a passive definition. He who receives an X up his bottom is no longer a virgin. I must admit, this is closer to my definition. And this is an experienced gay man talking who has also slept with women.

So, as we are able to ascertain, the issue requires a complex dissection. Comments from Ophelia, The Dame, Arthur and Adriana would be highly welcome at this point.

Now it’s down to me to inject a degree of practicality into the otherwise archaic definition. NOTE: This definition comes from an almost-virgin.

Loss of virginity: The moment you provide mutual sexual pleasure to one of more person.

Thus:

Pure Virgin n. Somebody who has never provided or received sexual pleasure of any form to a group of 1 or more persons, kissing included. Pure is the operative word.

Almost Virgin n. Me. Groping, though no sucking or inserting, no kissing, merely jerking things. And definitely no coming.

Pretentious Virgin n. A person who has performed oral sex and foreplay. Insertion of the fingers is included in this definition. Everything apart from putting something into something.

Non-Virgin aka Whore n. All other people.

Argh! Defining this blasted term has proved harder than I’d imagined. Await a revised definition in the near future.