The resolution

M and I talked things over. Two nights ago. In the simplest terms we’ve come a decision; talking - yes, continuation of the friendship – yes, sex (all forms) – no.

Sex with a person who is not your boyfriend is wrong. This is what we’ve decided. So, even though M doesn’t regret a single minute of our relationship, those six years were ethically wrong.

M wanted to know why I was ‘bitter’. What was it about our relationship that made me bitter? I should say, it was never M (wholly), but our situation. I felt short-changed and rejected and these two things together can make a person bitter.

One thing I’ve come to realise, perhaps more now than ever before, is just how much M cares for me. As silly as this may sound, I had little idea. At least no idea how much affection could pour from M’s heart. I always assumed That M regarded our relationship as another sexual endeavour. Just another way of coming. But I was wrong and M was quick to point this out. What we have, according to M, is beyond sex. I agree. But we became complacent. We expected sex and when we were horny we usually got it. It was easy. And this complacency is perhaps the reason behind my often feeling that our conversation outside of sex was running dry.

My comments earlier in this blog regarding M has upset M, not because what I was saying was wrong or deceitful, but because it was truthful. Because sometimes, when somebody holds a mirror opposite you, for the first time, you are forced to confront the reality of what it shows. You, for what you really are. For what you’ve done.

I found this hard to believe at first. That M could spend years doing something they would one day consider to be wrong, and not once would this occur to them in times past. I think sometimes we refuse to see what’s there, in that hope that life will somehow sort things out before it becomes too late. And usually, life does. But sometimes, when you sweep too many things under the carpet, one quick sweep is unlikely to clear everything.

It was important to me to tell M that I resented feeling jealous about M’s boyfriend, that I often felt like an inferior ‘bit on the side’ (as opposed to a yummy side dish), and that I wanted to get so much more in return than what I did get. Most importantly, I was annoyed at myself for allowing somebody to wrap me up in this emotional vortex only so that I couldn’t free myself the way I’d planned. I was indeed walking into a well with little hope of ever re-emerging. Curiosity eventually killed the cat I guess. But in the process I made a friend who I share something quite special with. I think beneath is all, there is a simple strand of longing that will forever hold us together. So fragile yet so strong. Strong with determination for what could have been.

M has made it clear that there is no intention of breaking things off with the boyfriend and this fact alone has allowed me to feel some sort of satisfaction at being able to draw a line under our relationship-past and concentrate firmly on our relationship-present.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what this means. Have I wasted six years of life hoping for something that I should have turned away from many years ago. Are the things I have gained from our relationship likely to outweigh the feelings of sadness on its demise? Do I regret M?

The answer is no, because although now there is sadness, it is only once I’ve stepped inside my future that I’ll know just what an impact this relationship has had on my life. That I’ll be able to look at my relationship with M and realise that it has shaped who I am. I think M has built up inside me a sexual confidence that is now so admired, so hard to break. M has taught me the power of desire and this is something you take with you as you climb the ladder.

What does it really mean to regret when your feelings take a hold, and you have no choice. Nothing. So I won’t do it. I feel a certain stillness inside me these days. A simmering. I know that the world is waiting there, and before long I’ll feel ready to go and explore it. M has given me the skills I need.

Thank you M