Preparation

So, a date is pending. A TV Producer. I'm not sure why I'm going. Maybe the thirst for some interesting conversation. Maybe I'll have found the master I've been looking for. Somebody to mould the flesh. A carpenter of the soul. Yes please.

How are you meant to prepare for a date? I could only come up with the following:

Trimming - almost check
Cleaning - check
Brushing - check
Hair Fluffing - almost check
Tightening up of confidence and conversational skills - Ofcourse
Placing stylish swanky garments over your body - Without question

And once I'm there, what drinks are a good bet?

A Bloody Mary is always wholesome and satisfying. It's also quite a sexy drink if taken by the right sort of person. I'm just afraid of looking older than I am, sipping on something which could also be soup of sorts.

A Gin, mmm, class never loses style, though some might think of it as boring.

Beer, abso-f*cking-lutely not. No way!

Southern Comfort, Perhaps.

Cocktails, yes yes yes so long as it's something unusual, something that paints a picture of you.

And most importantly, you need to leave the inhibtions (not the standards) at the door. You go in the way you want people to perceive you. And slowly, that hallucination becomes you.

To be perfectly honest, having suffered great rejection from both the straight and gay communities, I've resided to the fact that ANY date is a good thing. That someone is willing to take time out and have a drink and a chatter is a good thing. It's a great thing.

I have a friend (yes, another one), who works through her relationships in the most methodical and self controlled way imagineable. I need to follow her three prong approach:

Take note:

1. Take a few days to get over your previous relationship. Rub away those terrible white marks on the blackboard that is your life. Spend a day sulking, or less, if appropriate and reasonable to do so, and reach the conclusion early one morning, that you have learnt something through the process. That you have grown and embraced and that this love really is trial and error through and through.

2. Find a website you rely on. A reliable source is of paramount importance. Browse, short list and be selective whilst doing so. Once you have a list, start emailing and chatting as soon as possible to avoid some bitch or bastard getting there before you do. Ask all the relevant questions and find out as much as you can about their interests. Make notes as you do, as these may well be your saving grace if a formal date materialises. Read a quick synopsis of the book they love or last read (wishful thinking that. Hoping that somebody might actually pick up a book as be passionate about it).

3. Arrange a date in a public place. Try and make conversation. Ofcourse, by now you should know whether they are good looking enough, tall enough, blah blah blah. This is primarily a test of personality. Remember, a good conversationalist knows how to make best use of a tongue. Further, somebody who can't string together a sentence is really not worth the bother. For every dumb ass there are five decent conversationalists. If there is an overwhelming sexual current pulsing between you, act impulsively. That rule about not kissing on a first date is a load of dung. Self satisfying opportunities don't come around that often for you to dismiss any that do. I always suggest asking the other person to choose a restaurant or bar or both, just so you can get a taste of their tastes. A pint at the woolpack might be just what you're looking for, but i hope it's not.

Finally, you musn't let those standards fall for even a second. Compromise and willful consideration of your own held beliefs is permitted, but nothing more. I'll be damned if any of my friends are sacrificial virgins out for the slaughter.

The friend who adopts these tactics is well on her way to finding the one (and she knows who she is). She is two through and ready to return to step 1 of the regime.

Right, I need to dress before the drink.

Await further instruction.