I'm guilty of it. Tonight is the perfect example. I met up with a friend for dinner. His long term relationship has recently come to an end. It made me sad. But I couldn't be sympathetic. I couldn't say things to make him feel better. Instead I kept telling him to grab a hold of himself and move on the way his ex probably has. I told him that he shouldn't keep stewing in the juices of his relationship as this will achieve nothing. And I agree with this full heartedly. What can you achieve by cultivating sadness. How long do you have to mourn the death a relationship before you can make footprints in the unspoiled sand?
Does that fact that you can move on rapidly mean that the relationship never meant anything important to you in the first instance? I think not. Sometimes you need to realise that wanting something badly, not understanding where it went wrong and why are all blessings in disguise. For if you knew these things, you'd never be able to rest. You'd simply beat yourself up over the thoughts of what you might have done differently. If you don't look towards the future there is a grave risk of drowning in your past.
So, this friend was dissecting his relationship and I was listening intently at the beginning, because what he had to say was intelligent and thoughtful. And it remained so, although I felt myself zooming out. Thank god I'm a good actor. This passive listening thing is very unflattering. My inability to stay interested for any length of time will prove detrimental in the future. Mark my words.
How exactly am I supposed to help somebody post breakdown? What am I meant to say? Am I meant to share the sadness? Am I meant to say 'You could have done better'. Am I meant to tell him off for being a fool and letting some silly boy trample all over him? Am I meant to offer a mercy fuck? Am I meant to bring him out of his shell and find him a nice piece of man meat? I have no idea. Any suggestions?
This is an area where my virginity glows in the dark, fiercely.
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4 comments:
This entry has made me sad to be honest.
I don't think its about cultivating sadness but I do think its about spending a period of time to grieve over something and someone that you have lost that was once (and probably still is) very special to you. i thik your way of telling him to grab hold of him and move on was erhaps a little harsh. In all fairness the chances are that he didn't choose to talk to you about his relationship because he needed to hear that. He probably just needed some company and a friendly ear.
If someone can move on quicker than the other in the relationship then it is natural to think that they have stopped caring. believe me I'm and speaking from experience and you know this. It took me a long while to deal with my feelings on number of occasions when my relationships have finished. I tend to obsess over them, over analyse them and in the end, destroy any chance of a friendship because of it. For me, it is the not knowing what went wrong and where is went wrong that makes me uneasy and unable to rest. I am 100% guilty of at times drowing in my past. I'm not ashamed of that and to be fair, i'd probably do the same again.
The passive listening concerns me! You zooming out? Is this something you do with everyone when the conversation turns to something as mundane as a break up!!! What does that say about my conversations with you!!!
My advice as to what you should have done is simply listen, but really listen. No hint of passive listening. Give him your opinion but make sure its half what he wants to hear and half what he needs to hear. There is a massive difference.
I am in between you Visionary and Dedemona. I can be a passive listener myself, often when I'm having an argument with Hamlet as he likes to repeat himself - so in the end i am bored of listening and just switch off!
I have noticed this passive listening with you visionary - I shall pick you up on it next time I catch it!
Anyways, I agree Desdemona - one should listen...really listen for you never know what thing or two you may learn about someone and maybe even yourself!
But I do agree there's so much self pitty that can be tolerated by any one human being, that I often change the subject into a joke or something else. At the end of the day, the said mourner knows the state they're in and only them alone can change things for the better as I have seen and gone through on many an occasion with you...Desdemona - And now look at you!
- O -
Ophelia your advice and the times that i choose to seek it are very different to any other. If i need to be bought back to earth and hear the truth, you are the first number I dial. You have a way of talking to me about a break up or argument with a boyfriend that immediately makes me feel stronger. I don't always take your advice on the first, second or even third instance but i always get there in the end!! Your advice is always what I need to hear and hardly ever what I want to hear. You never lose patience with me and if you do zone out at times, I have to say you're very good at hiding it!!!! Maybe its easier over the phone to get away with it!!!
Anyway, on a more personal note...i miss you, see me soon??
Yes, grief is necessary. It makes you feel better. But fundamentally, what is it? Thinking about it over and over so that it prevents you from moving on? What's the use of grieving over somebody who has moved on and who isn't grieving over you. Desdemona, you should know, of all people, that grieving for too long can cause damage. Why let the past ruin your future. New people help erase the memory of old people quicker than if you try to do it alone.
I also understand that I wasn't the most sympathetic listener, but it's something i've known how to do. I hate saying things I don't mean. And my ear was always friendly, it's just my mouth that can do the occassional damage.
I can't believe you'd still drown in your past, when you've moved on so much. Tell me, what keeps you drowning. The hardest question in life to answer is why when we don't want somebody for ourself, we also don't want them belonging to somebody else. Why is that?
Passive Listening: Haha. Well, I am guilty of it sometimes, though never you and a lot of the time, people know i'm doing it. Try and spot it at the next slag meeting
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