Katerina

Book club last night - Moral Disorder by Margaret Atwood (Most people, myself included, enjoyed the book - one lady hated it)

Home just before ten and in the kitchen when Katerina comes in wearing a sort-of-thin-dressing-gown beneath which saucy knickers are totally visible.

'I'm having an early night' she says after I offer her some of the food I'm in the process of deep frying.

'How was your day?' I ask, pushing the spoon back and forth in the frier, trying to hurry the process up.

'It was a fuck fest' she said. Just like that.

'Ooh, how lovely'.

'All day' she continued, 'after about five times I told the boyF we had to do it twelve more times. 'Really?' he said, 'yes of course'. We have three more to go, counting down'.

By which point, the boyF came down the stairs also, hair dishevelled and I tried very desperately not to imagine him naked. It's not an attraction thing, it's a I've-just-been-told-about-your-goings-on sort of thing.

And then he was gone, upstairs, or to have a fag outside, as I ate and Katerina nibbled on the various food components that littered the table. I believe Russell Brand was on the telly, with his new show. I can't say I was overly amused, however I wasn't concentrating as hard as I perhaps should have.

And now for the science...

The dynamics of make-up sex are known to us all. The sex after an argument is generally better than, say, it was before the discourse. Very well.

Now, what surprises me the most is the onset of a fuckfest after what may have been one of the worst arguments Katerina had with the boyF last Friday. She was on the brink of ending it when she considered the merits of leaving it a week or two whilst she sorted out her parking permit and Internet access, both enterprises in which the boyF was a)involved b)proving to be rather handy. Very well.

You see, Katerina is quickly coming to realise that she is with a boyF who has no appreciation for her market value in the dating community. Now that she is in London he is faced with the reality of her living her own life as a completely separate being. Thus far, Katerina has humoured the boyF for far too long, mellowing herself to fit his regime, declaring love one day and indifference the next.

The thing is, we are both agreed that a) relationships should never be hard work b) we should never have to substantially alter ourselves in order to fit into someone else's fantasy c) we can have whatever we want as long as we have the courage to keep searching for it without ever settling.

So it saddens me that of these three things, Katerina has succumbed to two.

The security offered by a relationship is all very well. Being with somebody who would do anything for you, who loves you, who has a large penis..all of these things are fair enough. But sometimes these things simply aren't enough. Sometimes we need somebody to let go of the chains they insist on draping around us. Sometimes, we want somebody who would let us go into a brothel and trust that once we were inside, nothing would ever happen. Because until this point is reached, there is little trust, there is little relationship.

How long can two people within a relationship stay inside the bubble of that relationship and be content with just each other.

Katerina has managed this for three years. And slowly her desire to be careless with her relationships and to grab the bull by the horns is returning. Above all else, she knows full well that the moment she accepts this truth and places herself in the path of adventure, the men will flock in their herds to get a piece of her.

The ultimate question is whether she can let go of that security and push herself to the very edge of life where things can be far from safe.

Sometimes pulling ourselves out from the pool that is our relationship is very difficult to do. That there is a sun that'll dry us fairly quickly is something we must trust.