Conclusions

“The bonds that unite another person to our self exist only in our mind.”-Marcel Proust

Perhaps this it true. Perhaps this is the reason I feel cheated by the end of my relationship with Pc X. By relationship I mean, of course, two meetings, one bunny boiler, half an episode of intimacy and many attempts at trying to find out what on earth’s gone wrong.
Was it all in my head that Pc X and I were just a tad more than mere ‘guys checking each other out’, for want of a far better phrase? The fact that things have ended so abruptly and without a formal conclusion being drawn suggests to me this is indeed the case. And what a stick in the mud this one has turned out to be.

When you enter a relationship it has always been my belief that we should keep a piece of ourselves firmly to ourselves for fear of losing our sleep and mind when things eventually crumble.

It’s not a good thing; to expect the worst in every situation. In fact, I am, more often that not, drawn to see the positive and firmly believe that whatever happens is for the best. Sometimes however, we’re faced with a dilemma from which there is no solution. Yes, Pc X wants me to ‘leave him alone’ and ‘give him some space’, all of which I would happily do, if I knew that after this space was given, I’d still have a friend available. It’s not so much why Pc X has said this, but it’s more how he has said it. Cutting off all ties with a series of text messages early one morning. Declaring he is not ‘interested in meeting guys anymore’. No reason why, just an expectation that I will leave him be. Of course there are issues, of which I am as yet unaware, but really, is it that difficult to explain why you want time out without going into the specifics of your sadness. Didn’t Pc X owe me at least this?

It’s difficult to write this because I know that Pc X, despite this, isn’t a bad person. Nor is this in his character. But the way he behaves with me is something most certainly within his control. And yet, at the end of all this, It will be me who will come across as obsessive and unjustifiably unreasonable in my endeavours to gage what the bleeding hell is going on.
The thing Is, when you like somebody and you talk most days with them, it’ll strike you as odd when all of a sudden you are required to stop.

So now, I’m left expecting the worst in every relationship. Treading on eggshells in very relationship, for fear of waking up to text messages declaring the whole episode over. Anything good to happen will then be a bonus, surely?

I’ve tried emailing (no reply), texting (the phone is now disconnected) and calling (something I really don’t enjoy doing and after being told that I should get the message, have deleted the number).

Then again, I myself probably have a part to play in this demise. Harping on about how good to sex was going to be, how he really turned me on more than other guys, allowing myself to become embroiled in it. I probably jinxed the damn thing myself.

And after it’s all over, all we can do is wait. Wait for a phone call. Wait for a text. Wait for somebody else as good looking and intelligent who’ll double your erection span within minutes.

When people need space, I guess they just need space. Although, I have promised myself this: if ever I find myself in a position where I receive bad news and need some time to think. I’ll explain it a whole lot better to people I’m in the process of ‘seeing’.

It’s ironic this, only the other day The Dame and I were discussing how much potential we saw in our newly sprung relationships. That buzzing feeling made its way over our conversation. And now, we’re both having difficulties. Sometimes you wish you could just say (and mean it), fuck the lot of them.