Gumtree

Okay, so I couldn't resist. Have been at Gumtree yet again. And here's the pick of the lot...

#1

''Hi,
I am genuine, good looking, white straight guy. I want to come to your place, unbutton my jeans and have you bring me off expertly with your mouth. You must also swallow. I want my whole length to disappear.

You must be experienced as it is my first time and I don't want it to be disappointing.
I need to hear how you will do it and why you are so good at it.If I enjoy what you have done, I might be persuaded to fuck your arse and may return the favour. I want to see all types of pics, and if there is no pic - no reply.This is a genuine ad, so no timewasters. Look forward to hearing from you. Sx''

Sometimes arranging a blowjob can prove to be even more tedious than arranging a job; what with the application and portfolio to hand in two weeks before the interview. Sigh.

#2

''and sadly, back on here after having a serious attack of timewaster wanker problems. Pre-op TS (transexual), in need of firm discipline and control. I understand that in surrendering control I will be punished as my Master sees fit, be it with slipper, paddle or cane, will dress however he wishes, be it schoolgirl, demure secretary or whore, will expect him to use my sexually inert body for himself and also for others should he deem to make me available. I am looking for firm, hard control, not casual, not vanilla and any message I get looking for casual or vanilla will be ignored. All genuine replies will get a reply plus pic.''

Finally, a woman (stop it) who knows what she wants. There's hope after all. And...er... is the 'paddle' being refered to...er...an actual paddle? If i were older and firmer, I would, I really would.

#3

''I'm 28, 5'9" single, straight (never been with a guy), looking for an OLDER guy to introduce me to new experiences.To be honest I DON'T find men attractive, but like the thought of playing with cock. I'm looking for someone who'll be patient, maybe we could start by meeting for a beer, see how we feel... swap cock pics, or maybe cam at first? If I feel comfortable then we could meet again, I can't accommodate so you'd have to have your own place (would rather not meet at a sauna as some guys have suggested). And we can see where things go from there. I've placed an ad before and all I found was impatient guys who want to shag straight away... don't get me wrong, I want to shag too But this'll be my first time with a guy so want to make sure I'm doing the right thing I'm sure it was nerve wracking for you the first time?

Last few requests...
Must be OLDER!
Educated
Disease free a MUST!
DISCRETE!PATIENT!
NSA (no strings attached)
GENUINE!

A picture would be good. Although as I'm probably going to merit on personality rather than attraction (which probably won't be there as I don't 'fancy' men). Cock pictures very welcome. I'll send mine in return.''

so, the definition of 'straight' now means - never been with a guy. A straight man who comes with his own wish list. Can hardly wait! Sorry, PATIENCE!

#4

''Any guys into the thought of having a circle jerk with a few other lads? I'm only looking for blokes into wanking - nothing else - so if you are looking for blow jobs or fuck mates really don't bother replying as it's not what I'm looking for. I am 29 and email back now and I'll add you to msn so we can talk about arranging a group wank.''

What's a circle jerk? Sounds far too athletic for me. Might it include a trapeze?