How to be a merry virgin Part 1

Sometimes when you're walking down the street, you'll come across one. When you park your trolley next to the cured meats deli counter in Waitrose one might be standing directly next to you. Whatever happens, you mustn't worry, for he is just like you. He too is one of them.

Often you'll be asked about the number of relationships you've been in, or be asked to describe your ex. Panic not, merely look the enquirer straight in the eye and tell them that you have never been in a relationship because you have waited for that special one. Fear not, they'll love it. They might even congratulate you on your ability to keep it inside your trousers. A common phrase used in this situation is 'Oh, that's great, I really wish I had waited'.

Ignore this, for given a choice between a hot orgasm and 22 years of sexlessness, we all know which one they would choose.

Merry virgins learn to accept that nobody truly understands them the way other virgins do. So, next time you see one in the cinema (and you WILL know. If you look carefully enough and switch the V-dar on that is), return a smile and even offer to pay for the popcorn if it'll help. For you may never know when another virgin might be required.

When you're in a group of people who are non-virgins, or even worse still, with their partner, you mustn't feel like a gooseberry. They invited you out for a reason and when they have an argument you'll realise just what a virtue you are holding in those boxers (though many virgins tend to stick to briefs, keeping it locked away for security reaons).

And the worst thing you experience as a virgin are the countless friends who come seeking advice once they've had an argument with their lover. It's rather a simple equation: Lover seeking advice + virgin = crap advice. (Don't know why they bother)

What you have is freedom and every once a while you will go out on the town and meet someone and get chatting and click and it's that simple. You don't need to feel guilty for the girlfriend waiting at home, you don't need to care about what boundaries surround you, because, bar the virginity, there are none.

And during the late life of a virgin you will come to see your virginity as the biggest burden that exists. Take a step back and think. If you were like your friends, going from one lover to another, would you be as controlled, as happy, as curious, as excited? The answer is no. And then, switch on Pamela, or Ron and give yourself to yourself. Afterall, you can't really know what you're missing if you've never had it.