Mothers

On how to tell your mother (or any mother for that matter) of your intentions to become an escort.

Now, the thing is, the parents are currently planning a trip to Italy during the summer. How I managed to persuade them to take me along despite no reasonable grounds for spending yet more time and money on travelling after last years trip of a lifetime, is besides the point.

Needless to say, I will need to fund this trip somehow, for not only are we going to Rome, Venice and Florence, but also to Milan ( and for those of you who remain unaware, this is where you can buy a whole load of posh clothes).

‘Well you’ll have to work. If you want to buy nice clothes, you can all work for them,’ said my mother on the subject of raising funds for this trip.

‘I might just work as an escort’ I confirmed. Thankfully my grandparents who were present are unable to speak English and, much to my joy, sought no interpretation of what I’d just said and were far too caught up in an Indian film that was on the television.

‘Would you have to do whatever they asked you?’ continued my mother, a miniature frown creasing her lips. A twinkle of bewilderment in her eyes.’

‘Oh no, you can do as much as you’d like. You can just go out for meals and make a whole load of money.’ Of course, this is true. Sex is always an added extra much up to my discretion. I don’t particularly want to put up with a wrinkled fanny in the name of saving funds.

‘Oh okay.’ And that was it. She said okay. Though, a part of me wonders whether she doubts that I might actually do it. That I might have, in fact, spent a great deal of time working up to the moment where I could prostitute myself quite happily and make enough money to last me through five meals at Michelin star restaurants.

The thing about mothers, is that they always assume you’ll know right from wrong. That you wouldn’t dare do anything they themselves wouldn’t do. If I became a fully fledged whore, she’d see it as an indication of her own failings and inadequacy as opposed to my sexual emancipation.

I suppose I could just get a tattoo and shock her in that way.

On a serious note, my decision to look into escorting has nothing to do with what other people will think. It’s more an avenue I feel might reward me with intellectual discussion with a scope and variety of people I might otherwise never come across. And the sex, if I chose to have it, would be on my terms.

Needless to say, my brother and cousin who were also present at yesterday’s discussion looked slightly puzzled at my mother’s acceptance. That she didn’t pull out her rifle and shoot me there will remain a source of mystery to us all.

The thing about mothers is that sometimes they’re just as good as us, at delivering the unexpected.

So in answer to the question, how to tell your mother (or any mother for that matter) of your intentions of becoming an escort? The answer is this:

Do it with poise and confidence. And wish for the best.