Conversation

B- So have you seen the organist again?
Me- no I haven’t...he's far far away now, with a bf in fact....
B- Boyfriend? Goodness. Did you know he had one before you slept with him?
Me- no he didnt have one then but I don’t think it would have mattered if he did
B- nah, i didn't think it would:)
Me- and your love life>?
B- so are you glad to have it all over and done with then? Losing virginity?
B- my love life is dry
Me- well i am, and know the potential that could exist with somebody i really fancies
B- Met a bloke on Saturday actually, but there was no flirting, very platonic
Me- Oh right
B- Was it what you thought?
Me- it was, but there wasn’t much sexual chemistry...
B- Better or worse? was there anything that wasn’t what you expected?
Me- And I wish he’d dominated a little more
B- Ok
Me- Um, his foreskin was long, didn’t expect that
B- Hehe! well, you'll get the chance again, it's all about learning what you like I guess...
Me- absolutely
B- As in extremely long?
Me- no, it sounds worse than it was, it was longish, wanted to bite it off and remove it
B- Yeah. But you have the rest of your life to focus on it though.
B- Hehe
Me- I’m so surprised you’re still single, you’re so attractive, can’t think what could be wrong
B- Don’t think I've ever seen very long foreskin
Me- lucky you
B- Thank you
B- I think it's because deep down I actually want to be single. It's a defense mechanism I think. That way I don't get hurt
Me- oh really....well that’s perfectly okay, I truly enjoy it
B- Yeah, I wish I cud enjoy it like you do. I'm stuck in a weird place where I can't decide whether I want to be with anyone or not but I don't just want to have sex anymore. I want to experience what it's like to be in love. At the same time I want to be on my own.
Me- yes, but having a few dates along the way is no bad thing
Me- you won’t find love automatically, it’s all a process
B- No, but dating is very stressful I think
B- Yeah probably. Maybe I'm not ready for that whole thing
Me- Um, its confidence boosting In my opinion
B- Maybe I should go back to having flings
B- Yeah, or devastating! I don't handle rejection particularly well
B- Don't you want to fall properly in love some time?
Me- Um, I only want it if the person I’m with has the same definitions of commitment and love as I do, otherwise not really as there is little point.
B- But you don't think you'll ever "settle down" with one person?
Me- Maybe one day I’ll meet somebody who is enough for me and then perhaps I will
B- yeah
Me- But I don’t buy into this whole fantasy of finding the right person and having the right kind of life, because it’s all just that, a fantasy. People do it because they think they should, because they think it’ll make them happy and then they think, I’ve got it, so of course I’m happy even when they’re not. And then you start having children in order to fill the holes of your lonliness.
B- I think you are right and I think that's where part of my own problem is. The part of me that really wants a bloke is just insecure because I haven’t got one. Because I'm not meant to be normal without a bf. Society says so! We're all meant to coupled up for some reason!
Me- I just get frustrated when so many people so early on want to create this whole 'perfect family' photograph. What happens after you’ve had ur kids and family and all that’s left is wrinkles and disappointments at having spent your youth?
Me- Exactly, society dictates our life in that way. I think it takes a strong person to resist in that way..
B- yeah.
B- But it's difficult when you get stigmatized for being single. Single equals loner or freak (in some eyes, like my mother’s :)) but I'm pretty sure I'm a single girl for life... And hopefully it won't bother me.
Me- No, I think life has a funny way of twisting and turning when you least expect it
B- or I mite turn into a thriving lesbian...
B- Nah. I'll let you know if things should change
Me- Lesbians, in my experience, are very uncomplicated and generally very nice
Me- I want to meet a girl now, I really have this urge. I just don't really know where to start with it all.
B- I'm ashamed to say I have never known any lesbians.
B- I think a girl would be interesting for you..
Me- You should have come to my birthday, one of my closest friends is gay, you would have adored her I’m sure.
B- Is she butch?
Me- Not at all
Me- And on new years I saw the most beautiful lesbian ever, she was stunning
B- Wow. I have this awful stereotypical image in my mind when I think of lesbians. It's because I once went to Brighton and all I saw was really butch women holding hands
Me- Yes, no, some are, but not all