Ha Ha!

So, the girl in my class, with whom I had the joint celebration, celebrated her birthday today. And it was Ophelia's birthday yesterday. May we all age gracefully and never have to wear our flab over our shoulders like a Pashmina.

This afternoon we went out for lunch and strawberry beer (the extent of my attachment to the red stuff has surprised even me). And this is where I wrote in her birthday card...

I don't normally know quite what to write, other than Happy Birthday, here's to a great year, many more birthdays, have a great day, love...so I went for something a little unusual, though strikingly something that might only come from my mind:

'Happy Birthday dearest. Here's to rope burns, handcuffs and cock rings. May you enjoy a year full of sordid promise.'

She burst into laughter which is always a positive sign, and informed me that she'd have to hide the card when her mother came to visit. What a shame that is I thought.

Also over lunch,

I heard the funniest thing I've heard in a long long time...

A friend of a friend was fooling around with her boyfriend one afternoon while her parents were out. Mid-fooling the boy asked her to poo into a sock allow him to whip her with it. Not even shit can get in the way of true love I suppose and she agreed.

And then came the anal sex, all of which was conducted on her parents' cream sofas (if the symbolism was in any way intended I'd be impressed). So, needless to say, shit on white is a bad idea. More so once you're done and realise that your love has spread itself over the pale fabric.

Upon returning to their house the Mother and Father looked at the sofa with a mix of horror and bewilderment.

'It was the dog' said the girl to her mother, placing the blame entirely on the clueless fluffy creature perched in front of the fire.

'Oh no' said the father, we can't be having any of that. And a few days later they had the dog put down.

No doubt she's learnt to clean up after herself since that time.