Pubic Lice

Text to the Organist:

‘Hi there, I hope you’re ok. Just a quick note to let you know that I’ve contracted pubic lice. Since you were the last and only person I’ve slept with, I think you’ve probably got them too. I hope you’ve treated them seen as now you’re in a relationship. We wouldn’t want Yorkshire suffering an epidemic. ;)’

Sufficiently merry I thought. Bearing in mind he took my virginity and gave me in return something ghastly.

It had been itchy down there for quite a while. I suppose new non virgins don’t really think they’ll contract diseases the first time round with a condom in place. How very presumptuous of us.

Either way, it’s almost history now thanks to Derbax (The one stop solution to all forms of lice and crabs). And having lathered my body completely yesterday I feel slightly better, and more than a tad less itchy today.

Of course, in the process, I’ve
a) shaved my balls and trimmed closer than ever before.
b) Felt what it’s like to have soft squigy balls.
c) Revealed my true self to the lady at the Sexual Health Clinic (now there’s a place I never thought I’d visit), and had her finger my balls after which she exclaimed: ‘Oh look they’re moving’. Yes indeed they were.

The thought of them makes me feel icky inside. Things crawling over your privates, breeding over them, it was probably like a set of Eastenders before the Tsunami hit. Let’s hope Pat Butcher is well and truly out of the way.

If every subsequent sexual encounter begins with my having a furrow down there in search of lice, you’ll forgive me won’t you.

And there was I, thinking sex was perhaps the most positive thing in the world.