The Land of Lesbo

Two minutes after I'd seen her and as we made our way up the escalators at St Pauls tube station, The Dame asked me if I'd 'been drinking'.

I'd come straight from work and there was nothing alcoholic within a two mile radius of me that whole day, or even the day before. And here she was, telling me I 'smelt like I'd had a couple'.

No I hadn't.

So, an hour later and we were back at the Maison de Tainted where I cooked Her Majesty a supper of hand battered (that's correct) Fish and Chips. And this was followed by Cheesecake (Tesco bought).

And then we got dressed; The Dame distraught at having forgotten her hair gel but savvy enough to include her hair straighteners in her travel rucksack. I swear she's becoming more of a woman day by day.

And finally we embarked on our gay parade, in the rain and the cold. Because she was 'up for it'.

The first stop of the evening was Rush Bar in Soho. The second most well known Lesbian joint (Candy Bar ranks a little higher), its a first floor and basement bar and disco area.

To be fair, there wasn't really a butch lesbian in sight.

'I'm the most butch one here', declared The Dame, corona in hand, as we sat side my side on soft leather padding, oogling at the other gay women that were there.

'Look at that stunning girl over there' she continued, ' you can't tell me she's a lesbian'.

'Well, this is quite openly a gay bar isn't it, so why would she be straight?'.

'You can just tell' she concluded, a marked tone of disappointment seeping out with the words.

This is something that riles me about The Dame. She seems to think that only ugly women are gay. The pretty ones all have to be straight. But why? Just as there are gay men who look incredible, there are gay women who look equally incredible. What i fear The Dame suffers from is a devastating lack of self esteem.

'Let's dance', I said, barely unable to control my hips and shoulders any longer, but again she refused and said 'not yet!'.

And the one girl she did like, she hadn't the courage to talk with.

'If I see that girl again tonight, I'll consider it my fate and ask her out'.

What bollocks, I thought.

Now, as we have seen, there are some people in this world who have never pulled, and, chances are, will never have to. Katerina and Cassandra are, however, limited edition. For the rest of us, it can prove a long slog up the many rungs of the dating ladder. For some of us, we have to try if ever we want the chance of finding somebody sexy and potentially dateable.

With this in mind, I firmly believe that there is nothing wrong in making the first move and that, more than this, failure is something that we must all experience and learn from. The guts it often takes to say that first word is an indicator of great courage. And to imagine, had The Dame plucked up a little courage, she may have herself a date this evening with, let's call her, that girl in green jumper.

Stop 2 - It was a toss up between Candy Bar and G.A.Y and we chose the latter.

It was shyte.

Talent - Nil
Music - Campest of Camp 80s and 90s (we didn't know! Honest)

Wake me up, before you go go! Well there was no danger of that. We were go go pretty early.