Men

It's not so much men in general that piss me off. No. It's more men who think they could do better than me and let their judgemental arsehole self guide their penis. The truth is simple - they can't. AND, they won't.

We all have our types, it has to be said. But whatever happened to meeting before dismissing? and some of these men!? Some of these men would have grave difficulty humping George Michael in the night bushes at Hampstead Heath.

And so to my new plan of action:

a) change my profile pic on Gaydar to something topless, fun and sexy. In fact, let's put a whole portfolio up there for these gifts of the Lord to see.

b) be a little more proactive in social settings, especially where these concern herds of gay men. Talk openly and tell them you find them hot. Because, although some may turn their heads or attempt to disguise a frown with a smile, somebody out there will have their day made and you, yes, independent, strong, confident, sexy, intellectual you, may even get laid.

c) only date people who you find attractive. There is little point in meeting a man, enjoying the conversation but feeling an urge to leave without an imprint of his cock on the palm of your hand.

d) When dating somebody over the age of thirty exercise due caution. Convince yourself and be utterly convinced that the photos you have seen aren't pre-fat, pre-age, pre-stretch marks, pre-marriage. Because, whilst many of these things are bearable, you can do better than a pretentious (desperate) liar.

e) keep up the levels of confidence. Because if you don't get it, nobody is going to give it to you.