“People who are 'ready' give off a different vibe than people who aren't. Animals can smell fear; maybe that's it.The minute you become ready is the minute you stop dreaming. Suddenly it's no longer about 'becoming'. Suddenly it's about 'doing'.” – Hugh Macleod
On the phone to M earlier. I want M to send me a photo of M’s feet. I don’t know, perhaps it’s a foot fetish. Nice feet are a turn on and ugly feet are a definite turn off. In fact, ugly feet and I’d have to reconsider the relationship. Is that an odd thing to say? Having said this, toe sucking or indeed any-part-of-the-foot sucking is a no go. I like to look at nice feet, that’s all. And as M informs me, it’s the most common fetish of them all. That such a simple fetish could be more popular than wanting to have a gherkin stuck in each orifice has shocked me. What on earth are people thinking.
M was also mid-bake. A tart for a New Years Celebration. That’s the dish, not M. I called ten minutes prior to there being a fear that it all might split into a horrible chocolatey mess. I hope the tart turned out trumps M. Though, in my experience, not many people complain.
Yes. The door IS finally open, although this doesn’t mean any willy nilly can find its way in, so to speak. What have I been saying all along? Standards come before orgasms, before, now and in the future. Although, this new open door does fill me with a certain fizzing excitement. The kind you feel when you know Little Britain or Nigella are about to appear on the television. And before I forget, god forgive me, Nigella…Happy New Year Darling.
‘Why has the Dame got an infinite deadline?’ asked M towards the end of our conversation.
‘Hmm, because I don’t really care when I see it, as long as one day I do. Even if she’s fifty and it’s coming off in her hand.’
‘eww, that’s disgusting.’
‘eww, it is!’.
Be assured, The Dame’s fanny will one day find its way into my realm, and she won’t have even have a clue that it’s happened. Friendship is the only loophole I can think of to rape. Wouldn’t you agree?
Before that can happen, we need a hungry lesbian to gorge on the fanny. The Dame is being rather slow (might have used the expression pussy footing around had it not been for the million mental images it might conjure in one’s mind) at whoring herself out on the Internet. Nothing comes to those who wait, at least, not when it comes to the dating game.
‘You need to keep doing it. Not everybody will like you and not everyone who contacts you will you like. The trick is to keep sending off emails and something will come of them. The lesson to be learnt of course is that patience is required AFTER the emails have been sent and not before. It’s also a truth that certain dates won’t work out. It’s all a steep learning curve. Emailing, dating, kissing, groping, fucking, excursions to sainsburys, death. But you have to be in it to win it. And once you are, your cuddly toy won’t be far away, I can assure you.
With that in mind, I have devised an AD for The Dame. All she has to do is stick it in a temple of lesbian and watch as they buzz around it before 50 send her a response.
‘Do you want to ride the wave?
Hello there!
About me: I’m 23, attractive, confident and intelligent. The only snag is, my faith in womankind has, of late, been lost. With this in mind, I’m looking for somebody who’ll inspire, be inspired and resurrect my faith, so to speak. Having said that, if you don’t quite look like Jesus Christ, it won’t be held against you, I promise.
Would like to consider myself a cultured social butterfly. I enjoy literature, good food, good company (conversation ability is a prerequisite), theatre, the cinema as well as a quick pint down the local pub, or a night in watching friends (as I never tire of the repeats, EVER).
About you: Intelligent: because I enjoy meeting people I can learn from and admire.
Fun: because without this, life would be boring and so would you most probably.
Open minded: as I’m currently riding the wave of a relationship revolution. You must be willing to try different things. A closed mind simply won’t do.
Sexual ability, or at least, the willingness to try: there, I said it. It’s what I want. An interesting relationship with somebody who knows how to have good sex.
And in return for these qualities I will give you my time, loyalty and orgasms to write home about. I want somebody who is laid back and has a positive attitude to life. Riding the wave is so much better when there are two people doing it. Wouldn’t you agree?
If any of the above sounds interesting, please send me an email and we can have a chat.’
The quote at the top of the page made me think of the Dame. Animals can indeed smell fear. And you have nothing to be fearful about. Let’s go out there and find you what you’re looking for. I can’t imagine it being too far away.
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7 comments:
My Duke, my love,
Let it be understood I would marry you tomorrow if I could, and never fear one day my lady garden will allow public visitation with a VIP ticket for your dear self.
The second issue of the day to be discussed is my apparent lack of the sex for quite some time. We both know it to be true, however there is a stethascope and some rubber gloves on the horizon. Yes, readers, The Dame is corresponding with a young female doctor who may indeed be the one to both ripen my fruit and to add the final stitch to life's great tapestry. I am flattered by the profile however, with thanks my dear. We shall have to see, of course, updates will be forthcoming. I do realise I have been slack of late. My apologies for this reprehensibile behaviour.
The next issue is one close to my heart and one which I direct in the direction of the infamous M...
My dear, this part of my entry is in no way intended to hurt or demoralise you, it is simply to find out what your intentions/motivations are regarding Tainted. For some time now I have been privy to a rather bizarre 'relationship' unfolding in front of me. My understanding of this matter is that up until some time ago you engaged in sex of the telecommunications variety with my dear friend, whilst employing a boyfriend. The sex has now stopped but the friendship has continued. I have known the boy for some time and know him well and let me tell you this: he is confused, for he fully enjoyed the sex with you but didnt anticipate the false hope and emotional turmoil that came with it. And what of your boyfriend? Doesn't it appear to you, metaphorically speaking of course, that Tainted is filling a hole that exists in your relationship with your boyfriend? If everything is right and how it should be with him why do you need Tainted to fill this sexual/desire ridden void?
Please feel free not to answer my questions and please let me reiterate the questions are not intended to cause distress. However, I must say (until, of course, myself and other readers are told otherwise), in my eyes it would appear that you are using the boy to fulfill your own needs with an apparent disregard for his own.
Yours,
The Dame
My darling Dame
I - unlike our mutual friend, I am told - am confused: "infamous", "bizarre", "false hope" and "apparent disregard" are juxtaposed very nicely against "in no way intended to hurt or demoralise you" and "not intended to cause distress", and perhaps more accurately reflect your views. Tainted and I went through a very difficult stage in our friendship some time ago as, no doubt, you are all too fully aware since this medium was involved as it played out, not privately between individuals who care very much for each other but rather in the glaring light of public gaze.
I choose not to discuss our relationship here because it is just so inappropriate. However, I will ask you to reflect on this point: have you spoken directly to our mutual friend about your views? I have, and one of us is labouring under a misapprehension. Perhaps our mutual friend would care to clear it up for us?
As for your protestations towards a desire for mere clarity, I would like you to know that I am distressed by your implications that I am continuing to hurt our mutual friend. I am assured that is not the case, but if it is then, my dearest Lady, be certain that I will withdraw at once.
Confusion is a terrible thing! Let it be said, I believe The Dame and M are harbouring under complete misapprehensions about the relationship M and I share.
It's true, some time ago M and I had a 'talk' and clarified our relationship. As the current position stands our friendship continues to blossom, although the dynamics have changed some what.
And, I never quite thought I'd say it, but I've come to terms with the relationship and in fact, I celebrate its evolution.
M has provided me with something necessary, something crucial to my development, soemthing I'll never forget. And M knows this.
Most importantly, M has helped me open the door and I feel perfectly able to go out the rest of my journey alone (with the voice of M in the background).
Now to the Dame: I believe The Dame's comment stems from something she experienced before M and I had our 'talk'. Thus, her comment is based on a different set of circumstances to that which currently exist.
Having said that, it fills me great joy to hear The Dame show such concern for me and how I feel. Our friendship is strong and comfortable and I understand your comments fully, based on what you've read (bearing in mind we don't really discuss M when we meet, apart from the odd comment). And I know that, had I a problem, I could happily discuss it with you.
I am not being hurt by M and want this myth to disappear. The truth of the matter is that I chose, and have always chosen my own destiny. I've gone into the relationship with my eyes open and yes, although there have been times of confusion and distress, M is not to blame, for M and I are both equal contributors to our relationship.
The most important thing now is that The Dame and I and M and I have successful friendships which have enabled us to grow as individuals.
Regarding M's comment about playing out the relationship in the public gaze, well it's true and that is what this blog is about for me. It enables me to talk about things that bubble up inside me. Writing is so much easier than talking. It's my way.
Not every aspect of our relationship has been dissected on the blog, although all I have written has been my truth, and I regret not one entry. This is me, this is how I do things. It may be different to your method, but each each individual has a right to their own creation.
Let it be said, I believe the matter has now been clarified and I am both happy and comfortable with the explanation given. It pleases me to know that M causes you no pain, and equally that an equilibrium has been reached in your friendship following your recent discussion.
M, never fear, there is no need to withdraw for I feel there is room in Tainted life for both of us..Thank you kindly for your time.
Yours,
The Dame
Reading as an outsider - I would say that both the Dame and Tainted rely upon each other a lot more than they may like to admit.
The Dame quite clearly needs Tainted to 'fill a void' in her releationship.
After much consideration of the above comment from an unknown contributor I have the following to say.
Firstly, you are very perceptive and (speaking only for myself) I to believe Tainted and I rely on each other a lot. However, this is not a bad thing and I'm not sure we have any problem admitting that fact? Having met at university we have indeed become very close. We share the same outlook, ambition and general zest for life. Our thought processes tend to be synonymous and of course we can both appreciate a good woman..
As to the last part of your entry, oh how I wish you were right regarding this. However, a little more careful reading of the blog should allude you to the fact that I am not in a relationship for there to be a void in, and, indeed have no lady to make my queen (yet)..
Yours,
The Dame
It's always nice to receive comments from 'outsiders', so thank you first and foremost.
Correct me if I'm wrong, and without wanting to sound defensive with regards to your comment, isn't the stamp of friendship the ability to rely on your friends?
The Dame and I are close the way friends often are. We share similar interests and a similar view and passion for life. Consequently, our comfort levels are clearly visible, as you've no doubt observed yourself, in the things we write on this blog.
Whether we rely on each other, more than we care to admit, I doubt this is the case. We rely upon each other to the level of friendship and though it might surprise you to read this, The Dame is a Lesbian and I have had a few fumbles with men.
Despite my desire to view The Dame's fanny/fountain, this is merely a desire. And occassionally, some desires are left best unfulfiled.
The Dame isn't in a relationship and therefore there isn't a void, as such, for me to fill. And even if The Dame and I were lover, I doubt she'd want a man filling it anyways...
Please keep commenting, tis great fun!
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