The AD

Hello dearest slags,

Revision for exams is a bore. Yawn. Fitting in the odd Gumtree search, blog entry and revising (something I can do hardcore with there being little sexual gratification) is ample support for my theory that some men can multi-task. If you can eat a woman out whilst doing a headstand, does that count too?

So, it is with great caution I inform you all of the following:

The Gumtree AD has been successful. 10 Responses. 5 Days post-posting. Excited. If I were a woman I’d have moist undergarments.

Here is a selection of the varied range of responses the AD has yielded. Enjoy

No1. “hey mate.......you sound cool and I really want to make some good friends out of this site and of course have fun. and yeh free all evenings and some days too as I run my own business. building/refurbs company.....work mainly in london..but also some random places///so me always driving about and am a 28 yr old brit born sikh(indian) guy, enjoy travelling, going out for meal, just chatting and stuff and yeh some fun...I am well chilled out and relaxed...dont let things get me down..I like meeting random people ...I like different people...someone u can trust and just chill out with...I want to meeta nice honest guy who is good to be around...and someone who I can look out for etc...as one thing I hate is lies and liars... anyhow mate...you take care and if you want to, then add me to msn on”

Now, I did try. After a brief conversation on the love machine that is MSN Messenger, I was able to quickly decipher that the bloke wore a turban and had a beard. Now, as much as I have told myself repeatedly to look beyond the surface, sometimes it simply doesn’t happen. Further, the bloke took issue with the fact that I wouldn’t classify myself as attractive once he’d asked whether or not I was. It’s all in the eye of the beholder I held, and indeed it is. In fact, my silence would, in the Bloke’s mind, surely indicate a propensity to look like a cross bred Dame Edna Everage and rough Alsatian. Blocked and Deleted. P.S I really wasn’t looking for a chaperone or guardian angel. Somebody with a nice body and nice words would have proved sufficient.

No2. “You seem quite attractive and I like your type of personality. I'm 20. good shape. open-minded. funny and explorer...also good kisser lol”

Now, I did respond to each one although I remain baffled as to how somebody could gage both my physical attractiveness and the attractiveness of my personality through a written advertisement. Surely the point of an ad is to facilitate further getting-to-know-your-personailty-before-we-have-a-fumble. Surely.

No3. “Hi there Your advert is intriguing. I am British Pakistani, educated, simple and easy going person. I am new to this man to man thing and just trying to explore my sexuality. (words which made me type a response quicker than you can say come)

I have been with woman before but haven't tried with a man. So what’s up? How would you like to go about it. As I am interested to find someone who is willing to be used...who is ready to suck me slowly and deep throat, and if everything goes fine, let me fuck his ass. Being new to all this I am neither pushy (what a joker! I’m sure even as he thrusts his phallus down my throat he won’t think he’s being pushy. Smile) nor would like get pushed too.

Safe sex is the top priority. So if you think that you can be a good start or a good partner to start with why not get back to me and tell me a little more about yourself. And then we can either speak to each other on the phone or meet somewhere for a drink and will take it from there.

Oh by the way, I can accommodate as I live on my own around High St Ken, and I expect and assure discretion. Pic please Look forward to hear from you”

Did reply, though received nothing back. Time waster.

No4. Hi there, I'm (x) and I’m replying to your men seeking men ad. I'm a 38yr old versatile business man and I’m looking to meet a man that we could have some nice time together and possibly a relationship. Don’t have preference for age or nationality, just be a good guy. I like to be rimmed and switch positions. I'm a sex freak but not forgetting the bond that exists in a relationship. I want a trustworthy man that we could plan a future together (UGH!) and make both our dreamscome true. I want a man that I could be there for and would show me true love in return, a man that would understand that distance is not a barrier in a relationship as I often have to be away on business. I love sex a lot and have a lot of turn ons just mention it we could try it out I guess my only turn off is dishonesty. (I’m sure I didn’t ask for love and a secure future. Positive.) Pls get back and lets get acquainted, photo(s) would be appreciated.

No.5 “I am slimtallwhite male 27 y old with a 9inch kok my fone is xxxxxxxx”

When the response takes up one and a half lines and the person can’t even spell cock or insert spaces between the words I like to sit down and shed a tear as I mourn my loss of sanity (and his).

No6.“hi me Indian my name is (x) 27 m London very decent and caring. Currently working for accounting firm. plz do call me for more info about me on xxxxxxxx”

No7. “Hello Im 5.8ft, average/slim body, black short hair, brown eyes...... and yeah..... Im Indian.I’m very outgoing, laidback, intelligent, honest with a good sense of humor who knows how to have fun but yet take things seriously when need be.Living in a big city, which gives a lot of possibilities, but makes me blind of being myself also. I could do my best here, to be happy somehow, but otherwise I see people around, who are like me, people who they call friends, spend time together and make the best of their time...Get back if you think we can communicate with each other.”

Yes, we all want somebody with whom we can communicate and communication I did try with this fellow. And then he sent me a photo. I then stated in very plain English that he wasn’t exactly what I was looking for and that I’d like to meet and perhaps progress from there.

A text in the middle of the night woke me and this is how it read :
“ Hi Honesty is good!. Well… I don’t think there is any point meting since I’m not ‘your type’. It would not make sense to meet up as I am what I look like in my pic. Good luck 4 ur search anyways.” HMM. Some people just don’t seem to understand me do they??

No8. “Hay. check my my space out om http://www.myspace.com/joaofreitaspedro text me on xxxxxxxx”

This was more an advert than anything else. And yes, I did check it out. His friends may include Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but the Afro tells me to stay well away. When confronted with an afro and the prospect of sex, one must exercise due caution as to what may lie beneath.

No9.“(x)here, 28 Male London SW. I'm from Pakistan.I'm not openly BI.I'm not into PUB, Club or Saunas. Non-smoker andNon-Drinker.I'm discrete.”

What does the bloke actually do apart from lust over men? Pub club and sauna is where it’s at mate, somebody tell him.

Don't know about you, but I feel shattered.