Miss e-numbers - ingredients for a healthy relationship

Miss e-numbers and I went for lunch the other day. On the table was discussion as to why she felt it necessary to wear her BoyF down with fortnightly marriage proposals. Now, having some experience of the perpetual bunny boiler, what she had to say didn’t impress me at all.

‘The thing is, I’ve been trying for a long time to get him to marry me. And before, it seemed he wouldn’t, but I think now that he might. I just need to wear him down until he says yes, get him drunk or something.’

‘Fabulous darling, I doubt anybody’s ever tried that one before’, I offered.

She began to laugh. It has sort of become an in joke at the office.

‘Oh, how was your evening?’ They all ask.

‘Oh, you know, had dinner, asked the boy to marry me, again.’

I dare say, the reality for the poor BoyF, living under the constant gaze of an e-number loathing bunny boiling sweet lass must be excruciatingly painful. But she doesn’t deter, this one. At least, not until yesterday.

‘Two weeks ago, the BoyF went away and I was moody that he hadn’t invited me. That Friday we all went for drinks after work, do you remember?’

Of course I remembered that Friday post-work binge where everybody thought it was funny to put flowers in their hair and take photos of us looking, er, Hawaiian. Of course I remember drinking three slippery nipples which were served to us in flute –like glasses, ever-so-pretty. Of course I remember that the night had ended with an overly serious conversation about the merits of performing oral sex on menstrual women. Of course I remember these things.

So, Miss e-numbers had great fun that night and began to realise just how much fun she used to have when she was single. So much fun that the following Monday she asked me to go for drinks again and then again on the Friday. But I was flu-ridden and told her to bugger off.

So, now Miss e-numbers isn’t sure whether she wants to pursue the relationship but feels that a lacking sex drive (the primary factor) is not reason enough to end a relationship. Thank goodness he hasn’t accepted her proposals yet.

‘I just don’t ever think about or want sex regularly. But there are other things which I’m very happy about in our relationship, and he seems to desire me constantly’.

Again, we’ve reached that age of dilemma. How much longer before the sex fizzles out completely.

Even asexual people eventually succumb to lust, it’s my modest opinion. Even they want to stick it in and have somebody moan in response. They just don’t know it yet, that’s all.

A positive to emerge from this deliberation is, however, that we’ve avoided talk of artificial colours and preservatives. And instead, we have lessons on how to wear down men enough for them to accept a marriage proposal, regardless of when they want to. If she wasn’t such a bunny boiler, I think I’d say Miss e-numbers has certain spunk.

Slag Meetings

There have been two Slag Meetings over the past two months. I should have written about this earlier, granted, but things are better late than never, are they not?

1) Slag Meeting held on 6 February – those in attendance Ophelia, Katerina, Adriana, The Dame and yours truly

We discussed, among other things, the importance of hiding the evidence which accumulates once somebody begins to cheat. One must keep a tab on text messages, voicemails, dirty knickers and the like, and stay one step ahead of the game. The clever whore knows how to cheat and also how to win without anybody ever knowing any better. Katerina appears to be perfecting this art more and more. Her ride on the dual carriageway has been on going for three months now and still neither The Boy nor The Dude appears to know any better. Throw into this another man who is lusting after Katerina and sends her photos of his erect penis over this phone, things become all the more complicated. As The Boy prepared to take Katerina for a drive the other night, she stood in the kitchen deleting as many of these messages as possible.

We talked a little about The Dame’s almost flourishing love life. The Dame who was at the end of her tether had finally met somebody who she thought might be what she was looking for. If I remember correctly, however, they hadn’t yet slept together. They were still at the ‘watching DVDs’ phase.

Details of the second and most recent slag meeting to follow…