Hens

My current annoyance is aimed at those women who come down to London for a hen party and insist on dressing up like drag queens. Yes, we’re talking pink glittery cowboy hats, silly T shirts and belts the size of Waterloo Bridge.

Don’t think of me as a miserable prude now will you? It’s just that this leary sort of woman, London could do without. I’m all for a spot of fun and games. A drink, or even twenty, but when they cackle that awful cackle, I can only think of getting a hammer and doing my worst.

So, it’ll come as no surprise that just the other night, on the Piccadilly Line (which isn’t so surprising to be frank), I came across a harem of women dressed like the campest of gay men who, whilst slurping cans of Guinness, sang French songs (song is perhaps a strong word for that frothing at the mouth).

And then it happened. We were all joined by a bunch of amateur drunken letch footballers. You’ll forgive me for thinking I was in a set of Eastenders with all that rough and tumble.

‘Ello Ladies’ said the leader of the pack
Silence
‘Oooh, they’re a miserable lot these ones are.’
‘We’re not miserable’
And then they started talking, singing and flirting, voices louder than you’ll ever imagine. All good until the men decided to put on a striptease. We’re not talking elegant Demi Style stripping, it was more a frantic pulling down of jeans from Primark revealing dark pubic hairs.

I told myself time and again that they were having fun, that I should rejoice with them. But there was something about his podgy belly and that field of pubic hair that made me want to be that ‘person under the train’ casing delays.

And then, for the icing on the cake, the leader proceeded to walk up to each hen in turn and attempt to get her head inside his trousers so that she could no doubt see his smell old willy.

Londoners are varied, classy, determined, clever, arty,

rude, filthy, inappropriate.

At one moment during this episode, as a woman tried to fight off the willy flasher, I wondered whether this might fit the definition of torture under the Geneva Convention.